Because it is one that's been rolling off my tongue a lot more than usual this year, and I want to tell you why saying "no" has become a part of showing up for myself.

Olivia Reed took this photo of me; getting in front of the camera is one way I'm living out showing up for myself. 

I am learning that showing up for yourself (or rather myself) can sometimes mean saying “no” to thing that are hard or even uncomfortable to step away from. It can mean disappointing coworkers or clients. It can mean weighing two equally valuable opportunities against each other knowing that only one can be the focus of precious time and energy despite desperately not wanting to choose. 

You might remember my enneagram number from my last note (hey there fellow 2s). It means I'm a people pleaser to the extreme. I love helping others. It gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction. And like so many others who have a servant heart, I also struggle to show up for or take care of myself. 

"No" is not a word that is comfortable in my vocabulary. However, right now an important part of taking better care of myself means getting comfortable with saying "no" so that I have more room to say "yes". 

In my business, this year, I'm not accepting home and pet portraits during my annual custom ornament project so that I can simplify my offerings. Instead, I am focusing on the heart of my work: landscapes and nature painting. That "no" has meant disappointing some clients, and honestly I struggled to stick to the changes this year knowing that I couldn't meet their expectations. 

In my home life, I’ve stepped away from things like grocery shopping and running errands (thank you Amazon & Prime Now) so that I can spend time in the kitchen—something that really fills me up creatively and helps me de-stress. I feel some guilt over choosing to use a convenience service to conserve my energy and free up time for something slightly indulgent like home-cooked meals.

I also say no to practical things like regular driving, which fatigues my eyes and arms very quickly, so that I can spend as much time as I do on the computer for work or painting. That's a harder "no". Less of a feel-good self-care showing up and more of a self-preservation type. 

Spoiler alert: it is still hard. I still say "yes" to things I should say "no" to. I still worry a lot and am tired frequently. And yet, I'm trying.