We were invited to a party on New Year's Eve.
I've never actually been to a New Year's Eve party I didn't plan every detail of myself, so to receive an invitation was thrilling. But then we moved. And we thought we were going to be out of town. And I didn't RSVP, because the invitation may or may not have gotten lost in the aforementioned move, and I didn't buy a Roaring 20s-appropriate dress, and honestly? Exhaustion began to set in.
One more thing -- even one more fun thing -- just couldn't be done. We had said yes to everything prior: to moving, to making hard decisions, to traveling, to celebrating. And I just couldn't say yes even one more time.
So on Wednesday afternoon I headed to Ruby Tuesday's for a late lunch and a second viewing of Little Women like the 70-year-old woman I am. I RSVP'd no to the party, and for the first time in our entire marriage, Jordan and I rang in the new year alone, in our new home, just the two of us. And there was a part of me that was a little sad about it. Making friends in a small town doesn't happen by turning down invitations. But I was also relieved. Because I needed to say goodbye to the past year quietly. I needed to reflect on who these past 12 months made me, because I assure you: I am not the same person I was last December 31.
I haven't had a lot of time, these days, to reflect. The holidays were not peaceful or particularly relaxing, and maybe they weren't for you, either. Until this week, I hadn't really had a chance to make my peace with all the things 2019 held, and the Internet -- for better or worse? -- moves on so quickly. We all posted our Top Nine, reduced our 2019s to a caption or two, and created a series of resolutions for 2020 in what seemed like a matter of days. Christmas trees are coming down -- if they're not gone already -- and it's almost like none of it ever happened.
And maybe that's okay. It's hard to move forward to the next thing if we're still chained to the old. But I also don't want to move at the same pace as everyone else if the pace isn't working for me. I work retail, and I moved during the busiest time of the year. I haven't picked a word or a phrase or an affirmation for 2020, not out of disdain, but out of sheer fatigue.
So this New Year's Eve, I stayed home with Jordan. I can't even tell you what we did, exactly. I started a puzzle, I think. We watched Ladybird because I'm down a Greta Gerwig rabbit hole, and I don't care who knows it. We drank sparkling grape juice and toasted at midnight, then we watched The Office and went to bed. The next day we watched more TV and ate cheese and worked on the puzzle and went for a walk and discussed 2019 at length, like I'd wanted to but hadn't made the time to. And you know what? I didn't feel like I was behind anymore. Instead I felt like I was right on time.
Perhaps you need to hear this (I know I did): Your reflections on the past and your visions of the future aren't any less valid because they're happening on your own time frame. January has just begun. Resolutions and resets can happen whenever you're ready. I promise: You are not behind.
May we enter 2020 and all it holds in the best ways we know how, in the paces best set for each of us. May we cheer one another on as we reach for goals and stretch ourselves, and may we rest alongside one another as we falter and fall and recover.
