Feelings have never been my strong suit. I suppose this is due in part to nature (Korean stoicism FTW), but I'm also certain nurture is part of the equation. My childhood was very chaotic and expressing your feelings—especially in times of duress—meant drawing attention to yourself, and drawing attention to yourself could lead to bad things. So I quickly learned to only show "happy" feelings; any other feelings got jammed into a box that I labeled singularly as "angry."
This past fall, a distressing situation lead me to seek emergency therapy and I (reluctantly) agreed to work on tuning in to emotions beyond my two-point happy/angry scale. I apparently talked about this therapeutic work enough to be gifted the above "How Are You Feeling Today?" poster at Christmas. I hung the poster inside my office closet door (read into that what you will) and decided that whenever my default "angry" feelings arose, I would work on getting more specific and nuanced and point to the best-fitting emotion on the poster.
And you know what? My feelings poster kept falling off my closet door! WTF?! OMG IT MADE ME SO ANGRY! I guess that means I wasn't doing so great on my emotional homework...until this week.
The universe has always shown me it is in charge and has lessons to impart, and it's taken a pandemic for me to realize how crucial it is to express one's full range of emotions. One of the most challenging things about this period of time (which, OMG, has only really been one week) has been the epic amount of shit we need to carry; for example: anxiety about the pandemic itself, nervousness about whether we have enough toilet paper, embarrassment over feeling nervous about toilet paper, fear of losing loved ones, rage about the Trump administration, frustration over lost work and opportunities, disappointment over jettisoned vacation plans and money already laid down, loneliness over sheltering in. And if you're a parent, massive overwhelm over how to be all the things—educator, cook, source of emotional support, hug factory, art teacher, music instructor, gym teacher, tech support specialist, general cheerleader, etc. I realized that even though I technically have been getting enough sleep, I'm perpetually exhausted because there is no reprieve from the carrying. And also, that angry carrying of all the things serves no one.
And that, my friends, is why I encourage you to feel all of your feelings. One of my big concerns during this incredibly stressful time is that parents feel the need to hold all the shit together and not let kids see their imperfections and tough moments. But what a gift it is to show kids that things can be hard and uncertain, yes, and that resilience is about clawing your way out of the fog. And also, that expressing your feelings—even if you don't understand them—can be powerful in preventing misunderstandings. Just the other day I said to my family, "I am incredibly irritated and it has absolutely nothing to do with anything any of you have done. So please don't take it personally; I just need to be grumpy." People understood, knew explicitly that they didn't have to feel bad about the situation, and gave me space.
So as we continue on in the marathon of life that is COVID-19, feel all your feelings. Give voice to the negative moments, search for the positive ones, and give yourself permission to feel everything in between.
