Hi friend,
I didnāt learn to start setting boundaries until adulthood, and let me tell you, it was a revelation. I wasnāt required to accept every behavior that any other human wanted to inflict on me? I was allowed to say no? I was allowed to protect myself? Amazing!
I started out small. Movies and movie theatres stress me out ā theyāre too loud, too dramatic and too overwhelming ā so I stopped going. When friends and family want me to go with them, I suggest other ways we can spend time together instead.
Direct boundaries around behavior were, and still are, more challenging. I could have sat down with the office body shamer when I worked with her a few years ago and let her know that her behavior and words around my body werenāt okay and that I would no longer accept them. But knowing I would only be working with her for a few months, it was easier to simply change the subject every time it came up.
In-person, one-to-one relationships arenāt the only place I found opportunities to explore boundaries, though. It occurred to me a while back that community management and internet relationships are very much intertwined with boundaries. My social media presences all have a set of boundaries Iāve enforced for years now.
Setting boundaries doesnāt mean that no one gets to disagree with a post, or that discussion isnāt allowed. It simply establishes what kind of energy is welcome and what isnāt.
When I remove comments and block trolls, Iām setting a boundary.
When I decline to engage in endless debate about my humanity and worth, Iām setting a boundary.
Our online spaces are extensions of our homes and our minds, particularly for marginalized and oppressed folks who find community and safety in them.
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