Hi First name,

Avoidance is a core component of an insecure relationship attachment…. Yet something which is …. Well…. Avoidable 😉

What does this mean? 🤔 

In the simplest form, when we have unconscious insecurities, fears or anxieties about a particular issue, whether those are directed at yourself, or directed at another person’s response to you - you will probably engage in a form of avoidance towards that thing or person.

Example: Let’s say you have the same task on your to-do list each week, but for whatever reason (despite having time to repetitively scroll through Facebook’s newsfeed), you have been unable to get to it…. For a few weeks now…

OR, A good friend has sent you a text to arrange a date to meet for lunch, but you are still quite miffed that she look so long to reply to your last message and so even though you are usually quite quick off the beep to bounce back replies, this time round you just seem to keep getting distracted and before long realize you haven’t replied, but now it's been a few days and so you feel bad but still don’t quite get round to it. You have every intention, of course… but it just keeps slipping your mind…

I am sure you are able to come up with many more examples in your life… as except for the really enlightened of us… avoidance, in its many shapes and forms, is a quality that even the best of us possess. 

But why do we do it? It doesn’t really help us, nor our relationships...in fact mostly it makes things worse for us in the long run…. Yet, just like driving past an accident scene, we turn our head anyway and just can’t resist looking! 

Here is my three-step process to managing avoidance:

1. The first step is acknowledgement. This means stepping behind the denial of what is actually going on. It means putting away the excuses, the stories and all the justifications about why x has not taken place as yet and simply acknowledge: There is A PART of me which doesn’t want to do this. e.g. There is A PART of me which does not want to tell my partner that I'm upset with them working late.
   
   (Note: It is very important to separate it as “a part” because of course there are other aspects of you which are in real alignment with wanting to do the thing, and in fact these other parts may even get really frustrated with you and your “not doing” this thing)
    
2. Check in with that part of you and get curious with the “why”: Ask yourself, what am I really afraid of about doing this thing? Or, what am I not wanting to confront or experience? What am I not wanting to express and why not? 
   
   Perhaps you are concerned that you are going to offend another person, or a fear that people may judge you, or even a fear of failure (the classic case of the perfection trap: if I do it, it might not be perfect, therefore let me just avoid doing it in the first place!) 
    
3. Checking in and Chunking down. Once you have identified what the underlying emotional avoidance is behind the action being avoided, you can break-it down into parts until it feels like a comfortable action that does not overwhelm you…. I.e. something that is manageable and does not provoke the avoidant energy. 
   
   Part of this will be to “fact-check” the thoughts and feelings being avoided.
   
   Example: You may be avoiding having a conversation with your partner about money/sex/the kids/last night's argument etc because of a fear of vulnerability i.e. you may have a strong desire about something (even a need), but the thought about asking for this and the perceived rejection that it might attract is scary. 
   
   Question yourself on your perceptions - is what you asking for really extra-ordinary? If your partner says no, does this really mean that they don’t care about you? (or whatever narrative you have attached to a no). Is it possible that the no is just circumstantial and it could be a yes at another time / under different conditions - i.e. is the rejection related to your partner more than to you etc. In other words - really question what your narrative and beliefs are around what you think. Are they really true? (FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real)
   
   An example of steps 1-2-3 in practical terms:
   
   Step One: Acknowledge: There is A PART of me which does not want to send an email to my list. (There is another part of me which knows that avoiding contact is outright avoidance and relationship building requires consistency and showing up)
   
   Step Two: Check in with that part and ask why: This part of me worries about perceived rejection, about getting it “perfect”, about being valuable, I want to avoid coming across as irritating, filling up people's mailboxes for no real reason, a fear of being obsolete.
   
   Step Three: Checking In and Chunking Down: Is this really true? People have signed up for my mailing list in order to learn more about me, to get to know me / my services / what I can do to support them - am I serving them by hiding away and not letting them get to know me? No. If people unsubscribe, does that mean I am a worthless person with a worthless product? No. Are they rejecting me as a person or could they just be overwhelmed with other things in their life / their inbox / what they need at the moment. I.e. Can I accept it isn’t about me at all? Yes. 
   What can I commit to? How can I make this task easier for me to do and not avoid? Well… I can worry less about coming up with an inspirational topic, I can not worry about trying to turn it into a new business pitch and I can detach it from any idea from being prepared to “launch” something (i.e. ignore any concept of marketing which evokes too much overwhelm and avoidance in me and just view it as building relationship, as being committed to consistency which is a value I am aligned with as a personal 2021 goal). Great - a re-shift of perspective has brought about space for movement….

Relationship building through consistency is a goal of mine for this year. It is a muscle that I am keen to grow. How I am going to apply it to myself and my business:

• Choosing movement goals (rather than weight-loss goals which make me feel powerless and not good) Movement goals make me feel empowered and give me the chance to develop consistency.
• Focusing on relationship first with my horse rather than training objectives first. This allows me to keep showing up, listening and connecting rather than showing up with an agenda to accomplish which puts stress and strain on both of us.
• Committing to build and nurture my list through engagement, even when it’s scary. Taking a long-term view of relationship and trust building.
• Meeting every two weeks with my business-accountability coach, even when it’s convenient to reschedule - to keep showing up and allowing the magic of the transformation to take place in the gaps.
• Seeking professional support where I receive the trained eye and attention to move me past the parts of myself which I just don’t see. Investing in my growth and moving away from my insistent do-it-myself method of isolation.

These are my goals to challenge my current avoidance traps. What are yours?

Is avoidance something which affects you? What situation will benefit by you adopting this three-step method? Let me know via reply, I would love to hear your feedback!

With love,

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