Dear First name / Friend,
I hope this email finds you well. I want to share some musings and skills about the age old human condition: judgement. We all have a tendency towards self-judgement (passed down for generations) which can prevent us from befriending ourselves. We tend to operate, consciously or unconsciously, by holding ourselves up to some “rule book”. Believing that life, and being human, is supposed to look a particular way (kind, successful, humble, fit, etc) These internalized expectations cause stress and striving, they prevent us from truly getting to know ourselves just as we are. Yet how do we lay down our defenses and openly accept ourselves, in a world where judgement is reinforced?
The answer is intentional practice. We must change our habitual neuropathways. Through mindfulness practices you begin to notice - without judgement - the pervasive judgement inside you (you read that right - don't judge the judger!). As we begin to acknowledge the depth of judgement, we open the doorway to shift what's called black and white thinking. A belief there is a “right” way or a “wrong” way to be, or that your feelings are “good” or “bad”, or a belief there is a specific route and destination for your life. However, we can't do this intellectually! I have valiantly tried. We can only do this by activating the heart and softening, from this space our mind shifts. We begin to tolerate the grey of life. We learn to embody who we really are, improve confidence, and connect unconditionally to our loved ones.
So here's a practice.
Inquire internally to yourself daily, “What do I need?” with an intention to listen as if you were asking a beloved friend. Common needs: a walk or bath, reminders of your goodness, more sleep, time for play, words of encouragement, connection. Kindly tuning inward and listening without an agenda builds resilience. Practicing this way of relating to yourself builds neuropathways of care and compassion. It cultivates a sense of stability from the inside out and builds the skills of non-judgement.
After listening to what you need, respond as you would to a loved one. We often give to others the very responses, support, and advice we ourselves need. You have your own medicine, remember to give it yourself.
I can't tell you how many times a therapy or coaching client works on something with me - and that very night or next day I encounter needing exactly what I offered them! It's my chance to practice what I preach, and drink my own medicine. I respond from a place of genuinely caring for myself, as I did for my client just the day before.
Enjoy this practice. Feel free to respond with questions, reflections, or just to say hello! It's a joy sharing this journey with you all.
