I used to be a huge enabler but was not aware that was what I was doing. I thought I was helping people. It was a hard lesson for me to learn the difference between enabling someone and empowering someone. So, what is the difference? Simply put, enabling is doing something for another individual that they can do for themselves, while empowering someone is teaching them to do it for themselves.
When people asked me for help whether it was giving them money or doing a task for them I always did it for a couple of reasons. One I honestly thought I was helping them and two I wouldn’t feel guilty for saying no. But an incredibly wise person once told me that “by enabling someone I was robbing them of their opportunity to learn lessons they are meant to learn.” That was a game changer for me. What right did I have to rob anyone of anything?
That is when I began saying no to people. I started asking myself “will this enable them or empower them?” If the answer was enabling the answer was no. I would however make suggestions of things they could do to help themselves or direct them to resources that could help their situation.
Some people would get mad at me, some even stopped speaking to me, but I knew in my heart if I enabled them, I was not doing them any favors. They needed to learn how to do for themselves. I see this a lot with mothers especially. Their adult children are still dependent on them for money, food, shelter, cars, and even jobs, and then the mothers although they love their children regardless of age feel helpless and depleted and sometimes resentful of their adult child.
It is a parents job to teach children how to be independent of them, to problem solve, and how to make healthy decisions. But I see so many parents paying their adult children’s bills and solving their problems for them instead of teaching them how to solve their own problems.
By empowering our loved ones, we are giving them the opportunity to become more confident in themselves. We are teaching them that they are capable of living life without us. Why is this important, because one day we are not going to be here to give them money or to solve their problems.
Here are some benefits to empowering our loved ones, especially children:
- Grow confidence and self-esteem. Confidence and self-esteem enable children to feel happy and comfortable with who they are, as well as try new things.
- Encourage independence.
- Build resilience.
- Develop self-respect.
- Make them better learners.
- Teaches them to accept the consequences for their decisions and how to deal with those consequences whether they are good or bad.
So, are you a person or enables or empowers? Do you have the courage to say NO when it is needed?
Today I am grateful that I learned the difference between enabling and empowering and when someone asks for a “favor” I will always ask myself “am I enabling or empowering them” by doing this favor?
Namaste!
