Hi friend,
I wrote this in a moment of frustration recently and wanted to share it even though it's not really meant for my readers here, because the very nature of a newsletter is to be consumed.
To be clear, lurking is fine! No one owes me interactions or a relationship. But there are an awful lot of people who want to treat me like a fat activism vending machine and it makes my tender heart cynical.
Especially given my neurodivergence, it's difficult for me to tell who's messaging me because they think I'm great and want to be friends, and who just wants a pocket fat activist they can hit up when they want a free body image therapy session or don't feel like googling for clothing stores that sell apparel in a 1X.
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I am more than just a fat activist.
Love me because I'm intelligent and organized and I follow through, not because I'm a convenient source of free education for your enlightenment. Appreciate me for my power and my skill and my artistry, not as a source of trauma porn you can use to feel better about your own body.
Appreciate me for my thoughtfulness, not because you can turn that thoughtfulness to your own ends.
Talk to me about plants and books and video games and hopes and rocks and dreams, not just endless queries about plus size clothing. Let's talk about you and about me.
Be friends with me for myself, not just because I'm a convenient dumping ground for your body trauma. Treat me like a full human being, not just someone to message when you want to talk about your body image.
Remember that my body is a body that lives in an oppressive system, too.
Remember that fat people are not free therapists.
If you're talking, take some time to listen, too.
Defend me the way you would your real friends. Listen to me the way you would your real friends. Respond to me the way you would your real friends. My fatness doesn't make me less of a person, or less of a valuable friend, or less in need of care and tenderness.
I am a person, not a resource. Not a walking directory of plus-size clothing stores and weight-neutral doctors in your particular city. Not a machine in which you place all your body history and trauma and get back comfort and wisdom in return.
I am not a butler you can ring a bell for to educate you at 2 a.m., or wade into internet comment sections, or comment on whatever current fatphobic news made you mad, or convince you that my body is worthy of existence on command.
If you find that you only message or tag me when you want something, I'm not your friend, I'm your consultant, and you should probably start budgeting to subscribe to my Patreon or pay for a consulting appointment.