While watching the Emmys this week, I realized that an awards speech is really one long thank you note, spoken aloud and addressed to many people.

There are the spouses, like the sweet shoutout Ewan MacGregor gave to his wife Mary Elizabeth Winstead (who people say I look like? What do you think?)

Jean Smart’s homage to her late husband was so heartfelt and lovely: “I would not be here without him, and without his kind of putting his career on the back burner so I could take advantage of all the wonderful opportunities that I have had.”

Mentors and teachers figure in heavily. As Jason Sudeikis said about Ted Lasso: “This show is about family. This show is about mentors and teachers. This show is about teammates. And I wouldn't be here without those three things in my life.” (Important aside: Was anyone smiling ear to ear throughout the entire Ted Lasso rom-com episode? I picked up on most of these When Harry Met Sally references but oh boy. Reading this roundup makes me want to watch the episode all over again.)

Michaela Coel took it one step further and offered stellar writing advice. It was a moment of free mentorship to anyone listening. “Write the tale that scares you,” she said, “that makes you feel uncertain, that isn't comfortable. I dare you. In a world that entices us to browse through the lives of others to help us better determine how we feel about ourselves, and to in turn feel the need to be constantly visible, for visibility these days seems to somehow equate to success—do not be afraid to disappear. From it. From us. For a while. And see what comes to you in the silence.” So good. 

I found myself thinking back to a speech that Michelle Williams gave a few years back, where she was basically saying that she got the award because people listened when she advocated for herself, and what if everyone actually listened to all actresses when they voiced their needs? I remembered that she emphasized the words “thank you” to make her point.

I looked up her speech from the 2019 Emmy.

It's worth a read/watch

“I see this as an acknowledgement of what is possible when a woman is trusted to discern her own needs, feels safe enough to voice them, and respected enough that they’ll be heard. When I asked for my dance classes, I heard ‘yes.’ When I asked for more voice lessons, I heard ‘yes.’ A different wig, a pair of teeth not made out of rubber, ‘yes.’ All these things, they require effort and they cost more money, but my bosses never presumed to know better than I did about what I needed to do my job and to honor Gwen Verdon. Thank you, FX and to Fox 21 Studios, for supporting me completely and paying me equally.”

“Next time a woman, and especially a woman of color, because she stands to make 52 cents on the dollar compared to her white male counterpart, tells you what she needs in order to do her job, listen to her. Believe her, because one day she might stand in front of you and say ‘thank you’ for allowing her to succeed because of her workplace environment, not in spite of it.”

She’s touching on the underbelly of gratitude that Glennon Doyle talks about. Gratitude isn’t a given. People don’t need to feel grateful to be in the room, regardless of how people in that room are treating them. 

But I feel like that poisoned line of thinking—“you should just be grateful” or “I should just be grateful”—muddies up what gratitude really is. Please don’t accept bad behavior or circumstances and feel you should be grateful for whatever it is you’ve been given. 

I think the kids are calling this toxic positivity. And it is not gratitude. 

Gratitude is not pasting a smile atop your misery. You can feel and express all human emotions (rage, despair), and then, when you’re ready, come back to a gratitude practice that helps illuminate the people who are wonderful and positive in your life. 

On that note: What if we all took on the awards ceremony custom? Once we’ve realized a long-time goal or dream, what if we took the time to acknowledge the people who helped get us there?

Authors do this on their acknowledgements page (in mine, I note how tepid a word “acknowledgments” is, and proceed to wholeheartedly THANK dozens of people, some for not the first time in the book). 

But you don’t have to be an author or award-winning actor to thank your people.