For the most part, the Facebook memories function serves up pictures of my now 10 and 17 year old kids as adorable babies. But every now and then there is a doozy. Like this post I wrote in 2018 after Dr. Christine Blasey Ford's testimony against Brett Kavanaugh:
I have been overwhelmed today. Overwhelmed by the unbelievable bravery of Dr. Ford. Overwhelmed by the unconscionable victim shaming. Overwhelmed by the sexual harassment and assault stories of loved ones and strangers (I am holding you all with love). Overwhelmed as I think about my two daughters.... confident that I am educating them well about consent and healthy relationships and confident that I can't protect them forever. Overwhelmed by my own personal shame and rage.
This picture shows how old I was when a middle school teacher forced himself on me when I was helping him with a data entry project. I remember his hands on me and his lips against my neck and I remember my shock and panic and am grateful that I used my legs and ran. I was so scared of causing trouble since our family already had enough trouble so I just locked it -- and another advance by a high school summer school teacher and another incredibly emotionally abusive long term relationship -- away. I never told my Dad (now deceased) and it took me about 30 years to tell my Mom. I am continually haunted by the fact that staying silent meant there were likely countless other victims.
I'm sharing this through my tears because this is a time to be bold and brave. You don't need to share a story like this if you are not ready. But if you are raising human beings you need to educate them about sexual harassment and assault. (Don't use "it's awkward" as an excuse.) You need to tell your kids you will support them with love, even if shit goes sideways and they are ashamed of something. (Just praising the high moments isn't enough.) And you need to get your ass out and vote on November 6 and vote out these horrid Republicans who continue to wage war on women. And if you are a man reading this, man up. Speak out for women. Shut down "locker room talk." Stop objectifying (seriously just today I walked to the post office and had men leering at me in both directions). I know we can be better. We are highly evolved mammals and can do hard, complex things. Let's do the work.
I am grateful to now be on the other side of the shame; the onus of shame is on the grown men who targeted me, not my adolescent self. And while sometimes I feel on the brink of rage stroke as the patriarchy continues to wage its war on women, I know that the thing I can do is have honest, compassionate conversations and encourage parents to do the same. As I said, I know I can't protect my daughters forever, but I can give them the tools to help protect themselves.
If you need help on the talking part, I garnered so much wisdom and perspective writing this CNN piece on consent. I hope it will help you through an upcoming conversation. We can do hard, complex things.
