She was born on October 20th. 7 pounds, 13 ounces. 21.5 inches long. 

She's so perfect and the best little gift we could ever ask for!

I am sure nicknames will come over time, but we are loving calling her Alberta 💗

As I write this, I am 38 weeks pregnant and have been thinking so much about preparing our home and family for this baby. But you know what I wasn't expecting? How much I would be caring about preparing my marriage for this 4th baby. Perhaps it has come with the experience of having three before this one, or perhaps it's coming from a place of anxiety about the expected demands of four kids. Either way, I have been thinking about and communicating with Nate about what this next season will actually look like more than ever before. 

 

Luckily, much of the amazing lessons I have gleaned from other women along the way that have greatly blessed my marriage have also come in handy as we prepare for this new baby. 

 

Y'all, I might be the most excited to write this newsletter than any other! I am in no way a marriage expert, but I care deeply about helping my marriage to thrive amidst the chaos of having young kids. The last thing I want is to be fighting with my husband while also trying to navigate a new season. Nate and I do not do this perfectly, and we both have to apologize for being buttheads often. We all know this: no marriage is perfect. With that being said, I want to share a few bits of wisdom I have received over the last few years that have been really, really helpful for me. 

 

 

 

This bit of wisdom comes from my dear friend Erin Colby, back when we attended Good Shepherd Wednesday morning Bible study in Durham, NC. I have no idea why this topic came up, but Erin explained that she and her husband Robbie both worked all day in their respective jobs, and then saw 5-8pm as the second shift for both of them. She went on to explain that as a stay at home mom, it can be easy to resent your spouse when they come home from the office and want to rest. How dare they! You have been with the kids all day. You need the rest! Likewise, as the husband, you can resent coming home from a long day at the office and being expected to jump right in at home. You have been working all day! Can't she see you just need some time to sit?!

 

 

The second shift gives validity to the jobs of both parties, while also recognizing that there is a second shift that requires workers. One partner might work hard all day long outside the home while the other works hard inside the home. Regardless of the demands of each person's particular job, 5-8pm is a second shift for both. The responsibilities might be divided, but both are on the clock and needed. You each worked first shift at your respective jobs, and now you both clock in for the 5-8 shift.

 

This might look like your spouse coming to you after dinner and saying: “Hey sweetheart, would you rather do the dishes or bathtime?” 

Both need to be done in the second shift. 

 

And hey, if you have more margin, maybe only one person is needed for the second shift and you switch off who gets a night off! But at the end of the day, this mindset is about recognizing that both parties are likely exhausted and want a break. But there's a second shift both are signed up to work and needed for. 

This next piece of wisdom was worked out in conversation with some of my best friends, and it is something I cannot get out of my head. We were talking (and complaining) about how frustrating it can be to have a husband who is constantly asking questions about things that go along with the daily tasks of running the household. One of my friends had the amazing insight that if any of us were to go to the place where our spouse works, it would be ridiculous for said spouse to be frustrated with us for not knowing where the paper clips were, or what time we usually take lunch, or how to work the copier. 

 

The reason it wouldn't be fair for our spouse to get annoyed with us if we had questions about these things is because it isn't out primary place of work. It isn't where we spend the bulk of our time and energy. 

 

And yes, I know to a certain extent the spouse who isn't home should still know where the silverware is kept and when the dishwasher needs to be unloaded, etc. (*Remember, the Second Shift requires both parties to be all hands on deck.) But I don't think it's fair to expect them to memorize the intricate schedule you keep while they are away at work. 

 

This mindset shift has been so helpful for me when it comes to talks around the house with Nate, and has greatly changed how I have been preparing him for this fourth baby. Nate is a very, very hands on dad. He also helps a ton in the kitchen with dishes, trash, etc. But that doesn't mean he knows what needs to be packed in the girls book bags, or what time the carpool line begins for John Robert. He doesn't ever do those things, so why would I expect him to know those details any more than he would expect me to know the details of what he does at work. 

 

What I have tangibly been doing to help him is making lists and schedules that are all being taped to the front of the fridge. A checklist for JR's bookbag. One for the girls' bags. A daily schedule with all the drop off and pick up times. Phone numbers for both kids schools. All in one place. All easy for him to access and stay on track for the things he will be helping with in those first few weeks postpartum while he works from home.

 

At the end of the day, I am the House Manager. I order groceries when we are low, I keep tabs on the daily schedule. It's not worth it for me to resent him for not knowing things that aren't part of his daily schedule. Instead, I am trying to set him up for success as the Interim House Manager (I will be sure to have some sort of ceremony to bestow on him this highly esteemed title). 

The fridge is acting as our command center. All the info Nate (or anyone else stepping in to help with the kids) will need is right here. 

I finished Parenting by Paul David Tripp. Finally! Only took me four months. It's challenging and giving me a lot to think about and I had to read in small doses. I tend to read before bed and don't know if I would suggest this book when your mind is already tired. There's so much good material in it, I think it would do better as a part of morning devotional time or even book to read with a few friends and discuss. If you want a small taste of what it's about, my friend Nancy Ray did a book review on it on her podcast. 

 

I also finished The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids who are Grounded, Generous, and Smart about Money (again, only took me four months). This book was a great read! I don't agree with everything he says, but isn't that the beauty of reading books by other people? This did give me a great starting point for thinking about money and how to talk to the kids about it. I am handing it off to Nate, who will likely read it in under three days. I think having him read it and then getting to discuss it will be where we can really make some decision regarding the kids and money. 

 

We have listened to way too many of these Disney Stories with the kids. There's a whole Spotify playlist dedicated to them. But really, they are awesome! Short, entertaining, and they even pull in the actual voices from the movies. These keep my kids' attention really well. Sometimes we listen to one for a movie we have seen, and other times listening to one makes my kids want to see the movie. It was so fun to watch Tangled with the girls after we listened to the book tape (do we still call them book tapes?). Same goes for Cinderella! Putting an image of what it looks like on Spotify below so you can find the right playlist. 

Alright everyone. Thank you for reading! As always, I welcome your responses and will likely make my way through them at a much slower pace this go around. Please forgive me if I do not respond. Blame the newborn sleep deprivation!