Getting together with friends and family while teaching your child that it is ok to listen to their own boundaries can seem like a big task. Let's break down the situation and talk about how we can support your child and whomever you are visiting so that everyone leaves the situation feeling good.
Two hours past bedtime, Jenny sat rocking her son in the dark, quietly singing a lullaby. Both were finally starting to feel calm after the two-year-old had a meltdown in his crib. Once she finished singing it felt like the right time to try getting her son back into his bed. She quietly posed out loud, “Hmm… what’s going to make being in your bed feel better?”
She offered a few solutions, but the last two had the most interesting results:
“Do you want to give kisses to Puppy, Blue Monkey, and Lola?” (the must-have bedtime lovies) “No,” responded the toddler.
Jenny thought for a moment. “Do you want Puppy, Blue Monkey, and Lola to give you kisses?” Her son also thought for a moment, then answered, “Okay.”
The difference between asking for and offering affection
These questions may sound the same at first, but they are very different. A fellow teacher helped us see this by pointing out the different ways parents say goodbye.
Some parents drop off their children asking, “Can I have a hug?” or “Where’s my hug?” Whereas, others would ask, “Can I give you a hug?” One approach is a request, or even a demand. The other is giving a gift.
Now don’t get us wrong - we encourage any parent or child who wants a hug to always ask for one! But the emotional weight of expecting or telling someone to show us affection is very different than offering to give it.
Think about what would be appropriate (and inappropriate) in the workplace as an example. Our coworkers, whom we see day in and out, sometimes feel like our other family. A boss may even be a parent-like figure to some of us. Even so, many of us would not feel comfortable hugging all of our coworkers, and the idea of a supervisor demanding a goodbye kiss is a legal nightmare!
Is this so different from the experience children have with friends and family?
Small moments teach big lessons
It’s natural to want to receive and give affection, especially with those closest to us. The small differences in how we ask for it can send a big message.
When we expect people to hug, kiss, and show us affection, unintentional messages can be sent:
- My happiness is dependent on your actions
- Love and affection is owed like a debt
- It’s not okay to not want to hug someone
If we offer a hug, kiss, or affection (and respect others wishes when they decline it), we are intentionally sending these messages:
- My affection is unconditional
- There’s a surplus of love to go around
- We each get to decide how our bodies are touched
- I value your feelings
Getting together as an empowered family
When young children are exposed to new people and busy gatherings they may feel scared or overwhelmed by the drastic change from their everyday life. Let’s talk about navigating these scenarios with friends and extended family.
You can empower your kids by talking about what to expect beforehand and giving them choices about how they interact with those around them. By doing this, they will have a better idea of what to do in the moment. This empowers them to decide what to do with their personal space. Offering these alternatives makes the situation less intimidating and teaches children about consent from an early age.*
Let your child know what to expect and how they could possibly react. This may sound like, “Tomorrow we are going over to Aunt Jane’s house. Aunt Jane is my sister and part of our family. Sometimes family members like to give hugs and kisses when we see them. You can give hugs and kisses or you can choose not to. We can also give high fives, waves, or come up with a fun handshake that is special. What do you think you would like to do?”
Get adults on board by letting them know what you have taught your child - that it’s okay to refuse a hug or kiss, and it doesn’t mean they don’t like someone. You have taught them that it only means that they get to choose.
At the end of a fun get together children may want to avoid saying goodbye. They may feel sad or angry and walk away. This may be an attempt to ignore or process the uncomfortable feelings. You can reassure friends and family that a child’s decision to say goodbye is most likely a reflection of the child’s feelings about leaving and not their feelings toward that adult.
*We urge parents never to force a child to hug or kiss anyone. Despite the hype of “stranger danger,” the staggering majority of sexual abusers are people that children know well. Empowering children to set boundaries about their bodies with loved ones and strangers alike is a powerful tool in preventing sexual abuse. Letting them say “no” at this young age makes it easier for them to say “no” later in life.
