Dear Kev,

 

In the world of emails, newsletters, tweets, and social this email is going down in the annals of the history of ‘how not to do things.’

 

I send it out sporadically > spam filters detect this, good email marketing ‘is sent out with a steady cadence’ > trash.

I curse occasionally > spam filters believe you're a born-again-Christian > profanity can't be good > trash.

I include too many links > ‘you lose the readers attention’ >  reader starts watching a cat video and > reader unsubscribes.

I only send 12 per year > spam filters believe you're irrelevant > trash.

I don't address the reader personally enough > reader feels unloved > reader unsubscribes.

 

So I've developed an algorithm that will ensure that this email is tailored exactly to you, each section will reference a moment we interacted together and the cadence, frequency and language will be customised towards your preferences. Enjoy.

 

WeCrashed. Barbara, remember that time we walked into a WeWork and walked out because it felt so lame and full of MDF. Well, we were right. The company was and is a vacuous shit-show run by an Elon Musk-type megalomaniac BUT this TV show is very, very good. Jared Leno is brilliant. I think you'll like this. Knowing you you'll probably buy the stock now.

 

Playground. Fanny, we didn't know each other at primary school, but I sincerely hope you never had to go through anything like this. A Belgium film that will leave you angry and enraged, but take a step back and think about the children acting in it. This is a masterpiece by director Laura Wandel. You are going to hate me for this initially, but love me later, I promise.

 

Drinking Well. Gary, please don't call me an obnoxious c*#t as you do sometimes when I talk about wine. But I think, (although a little stiff) this podcast from the lovely, ever-so-British Berry Bros and Rudd is a great listen. And tbh you could do with some advice our gardener uses your wine gifts as weed killer.

 

The Superhero Complex. You are going to like this. It's not remotely pretentious and in fact I think you might relate. A podcast about a regular person by day who dons a costume at night and heads out onto the streets of Seattle to keep the streets safe. This is bat-shit crazy. Right up your street. 

 

Dead Eyes. Oleg, do you remember when you were rejected for the part of a beggar in Oliver Twist in 5th grade? You were too rugged-looking?! Remember how you felt? Well, this is that same situation. A podcast about comedian Conner Ratliff as he endeavours to figure out why he was fired from a tiny role in the  HBO miniseries Band of Brothers two decades ago by Tom Hanks for having ‘dead eyes.’

 

Danielle Ponder. Only one suggestion here and that's mainly because I know your attention span is nearly at its max. But I think you're going to love this artist. She's 40 years old and a criminal defence attorney from Rochester, NY. (Amazing, and if Tom is reading, thanks!)

 

As always, I am suggesting two artists to follow or support. I know you thought that my last recommendation was less capable than your cat, but I'm trying to open your mind. Give them a chance. 

 

Mia Chaplin. A South African artist who has an impressionist approach to her work that just feels dream-like. Please don't ask her to paint you naked Richard your birthmark is not that remarkable. 

 

Alejandro Cardenas. A Chilean artist living in Los Angeles, born in 1977 just like you and me Melanie, Alejandro produces abstract characters in futuristic settings that feel quite normal and peaceful. Strange just like you Barry.

 

Lastly, Tiffany, you know why I haven't gotten back to you for a while. Well, it's because Riz Ahmed and Aneil Karia won an Oscar for the film we funded called The Long Goodbye. So I was in Hollywood darling. And before you ask did I see ‘the Will Smith slap’ - no I did not I was busy.