Two Thursdays ago I had a good day. Below I detail the minutia of that morning because it’s wild to me how it led to momentum for the rest of that day.
***
Sun floods my studio (it always does). I wake up before my alarm (I never do).
Barely 7:00am, it was already warm outside making it easy to jump out of bed—a contrast to the lingering April winters I’m used to.
I turn on a playlist. I clean a little because the brightness in the mornings spotlights any ounce of dust.
On a rug in my kitchen, I do the daily ab routine that should take 10 minutes but usually takes 20, this day it took 10.
I douse myself in sunscreen and deodorant, and put on an outfit without second guessing it. I walk 25 minutes down my street still listening to this but taking breaks to listen and respond to voice texts from pals near and far.
I arrive at the coffee shop hoping to see friends. It is crowded but not with anyone I know.
I order, he needs to make a new pot—it will be a while. I'm relieved, the longer it takes, the more likely I am to run into a friend.
This is where I go for water cooler talk before going back to work. I look at my phone, then stop myself. I bring my drip coffee to the back patio, switching from longing for camaraderie to being content alone in public reading for a few minutes.
But not for long…
“KATIE!” I hear. Two friends join me.
“What are you reading?” one says.
I tell them about my friends Crystal’s zine, Four Seasons. I read some out loud. They play me a song on their phone that it reminds them of. I pet their dog Snowflake. I have to go and they are disappointed, which makes me feel loved.
Before I walk away, they tell me they’ve been listening to the last few episodes and it is the only podcast they listen to. I’m shocked and my ego loves the compliment.
High on caffeine and the unexpected external validation, I'm beaming. Out front I hear someone else yell my name. I walk over to him and another old friend leaning against the shop. The sun shines on them and the scene could be their album cover.
“We conjured you,” he says.
“You talkin’ about me?” I joke.
I stand between these effortlessly cool dudes laughing and squinting. One of them rushes off, the other invites me somewhere. Then he asks if want a ride home.
My two comforting constant wishes: being invited & being driven…. my dopamine level soars…
***
The socializing, the caffeine, the sunlight, the endorphins, all snowballed. Only a few hours had passed, yet when I walked back into my apartment I felt different from when I left.
My mood shouldn’t be so dependent on attention from others.
Am I addicted to it? Maybe? Am I dependent on it? Probably?
But I would be okay without it.
I’m working on diversifying where I’m turning to for validation and connection so as not to put pressure on any one person, place, or routine.
However, as discussed in the episodes of the last few weeks with Val, Rosie, and Kyle (below)—we are built to connect, collaborate, lean on, and yes, even depend on each other. Sure, that can go haywire into toxic co-dependency but it can also just be nice.
The mundane bits of that morning two weeks ago, made me feel connected and well resourced for the rest of the day. My typical anxiety was replaced with some self-esteem, so I floated between tasks with focus. And focus, I've realized, thanks to last month's Nadine Artemis episode, is all I'm ever yearning for.
Later that afternoon waiting in a line, I almost went on Instagram until I remembered I couldn't risk that. As Crystal pointed out in her episode here, that app is a portal… it is uncertain. It has the potential to take my mood down completely: by seeing something I wish I was invited to or that the number of people following me went down yet again.
I wanted to continue to ride the wave of my unexpectedly lovely morning for as long as I could. I couldn’t risk going on there.
So I didn’t go on instagram that day or for several days and here’s what I noticed…
I worked on an essay I started a year ago. I read books. I meditated. I slept more.
There’s a correlation here, since Instagram fractures my focus. I’m not sure how to be on it regularly and be present in my life. If you know a way, tell me how.
***
I have not had a morning like that Thursday since…
Much of it was kismet and out of my control. But some of it I could try to manufacture, like starting the day full of focus and connection. Rather than what I often do which is isolate, linger in distractions like indecisiveness or comparison.
I tried to recreate it the parts I could but last week I was sad, so I moved like a snail. This heavier energy led to more coping mechanisms, a challenge in finding and sustaining focus.
When I did finally get focused, I was unable to linger in it because I was swamped.
When focus is fractured by scheduled calls, appointments, taxes, general car and home upkeep, working on the clock at a specific location, volunteering, etc. it is frustrating. Although, I was an active participant in setting up these fractures; some I enjoy, or enjoy having completed… yet they still pull me away…
Fractures in focus are inevitable so I’m trying to eliminate the distractions that are in my control to give myself as much uninterrupted space as possible.
Even time on one task inevitably displaces another task to later. This is a trade-off, so it can still cause stress in having to “catch up” later…. but what are you behind on? Who says you're behind? You? Things take a long time…or for me they do, and you know what makes all of them take so long? Half-doing all of them because I'm not concentrating on any one of them.
For me, eliminating FFs within my control means the following trade offs:
-Deactivating or pausing my dating app accounts -→ feeling behind and a little bummed
-Not watching TV → feeling out of touch, missing references and jokes
-Taking longer than I usually would to respond to someone I love → feeling anxiety about our relationship
-Not going on Instagram all day→ missing re-shares, messages, birthdays, what friends are up to, and losing followers.
-Getting behind in emails → having to start every one with “I’m sorry for the delayed response yet again…” missing opportunities that are time sensitive
-Prioritizing work, writing, walking, meditating, doing my taxes, -→ Missing friends I haven’t seen in a while and fearing they will think we're not as close or forget me
-Getting behind in errands, making returns, dropping things off to friends, etc. → feeling stress and incomplete
Life it all trade offs, these are mine today. What are yours? Making a list might be useful for you too.
I am still trying to figure out how to manufacture mornings where I am able to feel as well resourced as I did that day.
I tried to reverse engineer it… what was it exactly that got me so high other than focus?
Being paid attention to by people I admire?
Being fully present with what I was doing without distraction?
Feeling connection?
Luck?
...how can I give that to myself? How can I feel connected when alone?
IDK but I’m journaling on it…
Maybe a self-inquiry journal prompt for all of us on this subject this week is:
-Where do you feel “high” ? --what is it about those bits of your weeks, days, life that makes you feel good?
-Are they bits that are distraction free? Are you focused?
-Are you able to do them more?
I hope in all of our answers to these questions that we are able to break down ways to feel well resourced, focused, validated, connected, and even a bit high ourselves. However, I know two things to be true:
- How we feel isn’t always within our control. We move through emotional cycles--times we are high and times we are low, like the tides…both always shift…both are natural.
- How we feel about ourselves is impacted by other people and that is okay, we are social and wired for connection…this too is natural.
I hope the episodes linked below make you feel less alone in some way.
Love,
Katie
PS.
Speaking of connection, we have a survey below that is related…
Previous podcast guest and friend of mine, author Kayleen Schaefer, and I are gathering stories about friend breakups. She wrote a book about friendship that I loved, Text Me When You Get Home, and I talk about friendship here all the time. But we don’t talk much about friendships ending. The language and rituals post romantic breakups are so well-known they're cliché—ice cream, sobbing on the floor—but when we split with friends, we don’t know what to do. Anyone coming undone over a friend breakup, at least publicly, isn’t the norm, even though it can hurt as badly as a romantic breakup.
That’s why we’re looking at friend breakups, along with other kinds of friendship difficulties. More people are questioning how to keep their friendships—or how to act within them. If you want to tell us about your friend breakups and ask any other friendship questions, fill out this survey.
And to incentivize it a bit, Kayleen is offering to give away a five copies of her latest book which I also really loved, But You're Still So Young… And I will give away five copies of our Break Up Kit zine (which many people have told me they use for friend-breakups). We'll pick winners randomly from everyone who fills this out. ---
Thank you!!! : ) Enjoy all the episodes below… or maybe you already listened….
I've been sick so I got quite behind in sending these over the last month.
