Your Kids Should NOT Listen to You, Here is Why.
I have taken a six-week course with my favorite parenting coach and author,
Susan Stiffelman called Parenting Without Power Struggles.
One of the tools she reminded us to use is the turnarounds, which is part of the beautiful exercises created by Byron Katie in her books and website
thework.com.Using the turnarounds as parents and caregivers means that we need to notice the assumptions we have about our kids and then turn them around by living on their planet for a little while.
For example, if we say: “My kids should listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” instead, we say: “My kids shouldn’t listen to me the first time I call them to get ready for bed” and then we add justifications why this turnaround makes sense; why, in their planet, they are right.
Here are some great reasons why the turnaround is also true:
- They shouldn’t listen because playing is more fun than sleeping.
- They should not listen because they do not like to sleep while adults are still awake.
- They shouldn’t listen because they want to spend more time with us.
- They should not listen because their prefrontal cortex, responsible for their logical reasoning, is still developing, and it will continue to do so until their early twenties. They can’t easily associate lesser sleep with their overall wellbeing and mood the next day.
- They should not listen because they only live in the now and don’t see how sleeping late is a problem.
- They should not listen because they still see it daylight outside, especially with daylight saving, so it does not make sense for them to sleep before nightfall.
Do you see how our expectations and the shoulds we impose on our kids could make us all miserable?
If only we pause and remember why they are also right to feel what they feel and not do what we say, right away, we will be a little more patient with them and take time to acknowledge their disappointment for stopping their fun activities. We will tell them we know it’s hard to stop, listen to them as they try to negotiate their way out, notice as they express their angry resistance, and finally reach acceptance.
Our job as parents is to let go of our expectations of how our kids should respond to our requests by anticipating their reactions and be ready for their no and non-cooperation, even taking it into account time-wise before transitions.
I also got beneficial advice from a workshop I took with the fabulous mothers’ coach and friend
Muna Shakour, who said, “Just accept the fact that you will keep reminding them to brush their teeth, possibly until they are ten years old.” “Embracing this reality”, she advised, “will remove frustration from our constant evening reminders”.
Being ready for kids to behave as kids by using the turnarounds technique is terrific and releases you from the grip of an ideal picture you are holding onto that could cause damage to your precious relationship.
What turnarounds could you apply about a belief you have?
Think of your situation and the should you believe about it, turn the should around by negating it, then make a list of reasons the turnaround makes sense.
Thank me and my teachers later.
