“Guess who’s getting a night guuuuuaaaard?” I sing to my husband, as if announcing I’ve just won a car on Oprah.
I am met with a few blinks, and then, slowly, an amused smile.
“Seriously?” he asks.
“Ooooohhhhh yeah,” I reply, “And wait! There’s more! I’m also getting a retainer! Night guard on top, retainer on bottom. Can you believe you get to be married to THIS?!” I sweep my hand across my mouth, flashing him a smile with my soon-to-be plastic-covered teeth.
I can practically see the flashback playing in his mind: us, newlyweds, me popping my hot pink retainer in before bed. Nothing makes for a steamier honeymoon than seven different sets of lingerie paired with a sparkly retainer that glows in the dark, amiright?!
I wore that retainer faithfully from age 16 to 26, but once I became a mom, I got lazy. Or perhaps I should say: while up in the middle of the night, eating granola bars in bed at 3am to satisfy my ravenous breastfeeding-induced hunger, at some point, the retainer fell by the wayside (literally, I think it fell behind the bed?).
I don’t remember making a conscious choice to stop wearing my retainer, I just know that eventually, gradually, I stopped wearing it. I went from nightly wear to 4x a week wear, to once-in-a-blue-moon wear, to oh-crap-this-doesn’t-fit-anymore wear. Once I realized I could barely get the retainer on my teeth, I’m pretty sure I chucked it in the trash.
In my defense, wearing a retainer for ten years is better than nothing. My teeth have remained relatively straight, although my bite has shifted quite a bit, and my bottom teeth are starting to move ever so slightly. Vanity led me to an Invisalign consultation a few months ago, where I was discouraged to learn my specific bite issues would not only require rubber bands to fix (#cute), but I'd also have to wear the clear aligners 22 hours a day for two whole years (!).
My mind immediately wandered to all sorts of things: recording podcasts, recording the audio version of my book, any and all vacations and travel we have planned for the next two years, not to mention simply … eating and drinking, which would certainly be more complicated.
I came home on the fence about both the investment and commitment, and quickly Googled “night-time Invisalign”—which, sadly, according to 99% of orthodontists, is not a reliable method.
This is a real bummer, because I prefer to save my humiliating vanity antics for bedtime. Just ask my poor husband, who used to climb into bed with a tan 21-year-old wearing lingerie and now climbs into bed with what I can only describe as part Gremlim, part Pippi Longstocking.
And the thing is, I’m not even sorry? My bedtime routine is what helps me look presentable during the day. Ironically, I work from home and rarely get dressed or go anywhere, but in theory, I could throw on a ballgown at a moment's notice and be ready to go, and that’s what matters.To be honest, I find a great deal of comfort in a high maintenance bedtime routine. Historically a terrible sleeper, I find that a multi-step bedtime routine soaked in copious amounts of mind-numbing vanity actually helps shut my brain down for the night.After my detailed skincare routine, in which I layer potions on top of potions until my face is as slick as Don Draper’s hair, I carefully apply a frownies patch (#notsponsored) to the center of my forehead.Then I take out my contacts, and put on my old lady glasses. If I have any zits (none right now, praise be!), I apply a zit patch.Then I wrap my hair with this satin snake contraption to curl my locks for the following morning. The whole combo looks like this:
