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it's summer girls & gays!
this month we're talking sunless tanning and sun care!
 
Fun fact: before I did whatever the fuck it is that I do now, I was a spray tanner.  Like, people would come in and get nakey and I would spray them down with what was essentially a house painting machine. And.. not to S my own D here.. but I give a MEAN spray tan. My art degree really prepared me to artfully spray naked people all day long.  Anyways, what I'm getting at is that I know my shit when it comes to tanning. 

 
LET'S DO THE DAMN THANG
 
 

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HOW TO GET A PERFECT BOOTH TAN
  1. Go ham on the barrier cream. Use a shit load on your hands and feet because the skin on your hands and feet pick up color more than the rest of your body.. idk why, but it just is how it is.  That's why the dead giveaway of a bad spray tan is overly tan hands.
  2. Put a towel down on the ground to stand on unless they give you sticky shoes cause the bottom of your feet will look absolutely wack if you DON'T.
  3. When spraying your front, make your hand into a lil claw and curl them down towards your wrists so that none of the spray gets on them (envision if you had stubs for hands.. that's what you want it to look like). The overspray will get your hands, do not under any circumstances put your hands in direct line of the spray!!!! Thank me later!!
  4. When spraying your back, flip your hands so your palms are facing down and the tops of your hands are facing straight up towards the ceiling to avoid spraying the hands while also getting the wrist creases properly
  5. You gotta pop your lil booty out to avoid getting pale lines under your asscheeks. Throw it back!!!
  6. Get a little self tan mitt and when you're semi dry blend out around your hands, wrists, ankles, feet, armpits, and asscheeks.
  7. Obviously avoid water for like 6-8 hours, but honestly, it's pretty hard to actually fuck up a spray tan.  Anything that looks questionable (including the color you are) will fix itself once you shower. I sprayed someone once who dumped a smoothie down their leg 2 hours after I sprayed them and once they showered it was gucci.
  8. Use some baby powder or body powder of some sort in the creases of your elbows, knees, armpits, and asscheeks if you feel sticky. 
If you feel like you look absolutely batshit insane a few hours after your tan, you do đŸ„°
But don't worry, wait it out and shower after the 6-8 hours. You'll look normal again I promise.
 
self tanning
we're anti orange in this haus.
 
No one wants to look like an orange psychopath. But don't worry, I won't lead you astray besties!!! Here's the real tea.. you want to find a self tanner that has either a green or a purple base. Bronze bases look good on SOME people but it's rare.  If you're already fairly tan naturally with a very olive undertone, you could probably get away with a bronze (which in actuality is red, hence the orange look on some people) base. 
Brands that use A violet or green base that won't require a citizen's arrest after application
—
1. St. Tropez (specifically the Extra Dark Mousse and the Ashley Graham version).
2. Norvelle's Venetian Line (also if you can get a spray tan with Norvelle, it's absolute top titties).
3. Coco & Eve (fair warning - it looks HELLA green when you first apply but it develops into a very fabbi tan)
 
JUST THE TIPS:
  • EXFOLIATE YOURSELF INTO OBLIVION BEFORE APPLICATION
  • ALWAYS USE A MITT, DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, USE YOUR HANDS
  • USE SOME LOSH ON YOUR HANDS AND FEETS AND THEN USE A KABUKI BRUSH TO APPLY A VERY VERY SMALL AMOUNT OF TANNER. BLEND THOROUGHLY BESTIES
  •  I LIKE TO TAN MY FACE WITH A MAKEUP BRUSH THAT I USE SPECIFICALLY FOR SELF TANNER

the actual sun
bring in the dancing lobsters!!
 
I think we all know that the sun is v hot star in the sky that has rays can lichurally burn the shit out of your skinny skin skin. Which beyond the cancerous implications also just genuinely hurts like a mother fucker. So I am a fan of sunscreen. I'm also a fan of some sunshine and Vitamin D, but I'm not trying to have the top layer of my skin peel off pls. 
The best brand of sunscreen is whatever one you'll actually use.  For myself I like the Neutrogena Sheer Mist for my body because it gives your skin a really pretty glowy and hoey sheen.  It's what Jlo's makeup artist uses for her skin in photoshoots and on carpets cause it looks bomb. OH, also, please miss me with the whole “sunscreen is cancerous” argument until you go through 12 years of schooling, have read several peer reviewed studies backing up your claims, and have a prefix of "Dr.".  I saw an influencer say that you only get a sunburn because of canola oil in your body and a fear of the sun.  It was then and there that I no longer had a will to live. 
 
For my face, I've got a few favorites. The holy grail in my opinion is actually a Japanese sunscreen that you have to import from overseas because in the good ol' US of A we have the worst sunscreen filters in the world. I hyperlinked it above.. I've seen it on Amazon before but I would beware of Amazon skincare products unless it is shipped directly from the manufacturer (which is not the case for this ‘screen). It doesn’t even feel like sunscreen.. I don't know how to describe it other than fabbi. It's suuuppperr lightweight and has never broke me out. I also am a fan of the SuperGoop Glow Screen and this CeraVe one from my favorite store in the whole wide world, CVS. The Japanese one is clear, the Glow Screen is glowy and hoey, and the CeraVe one is tinted but I'm not in love with the fact that its only tinted for white people.. its 2022, I mean honestly what the fuck. 
IF YA ASS GETS BURNT, I DON'T REALLY LIKE ALOE VERA GEL. BIAFINE IS MUCH FABBIER IN MY OPINION AND WORKS HELLA FAST.

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ALRIGHT BESTIES THAT'S ALL I'VE GOT! TELL YOUR FRIENDS AND FAM ABOUT THIS LIL NEWSLETTER IF THEY ARE ALSO FANS OF CONTENT PRESENTED IN AN UNHINGED MANNER! I ACTUALLY WORK EXTREMELY HARD ON IT DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT PROOF READ IT BY THE END. OKAY I LOVE YOU!!!! SEE YOU NEXT MONTH!
Nat xx
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