You might think it’s lonely out here, but that’s far from the truth. Even in this hellishly hot drought, we’re surrounded by life and the majority of that life is quite entertaining and interesting to observe. This makes for some engaging stories, sparks lively discussions at the markets, and provides the fodder for the newsletter.  Since John's struggles with the drought and the looming recession have dominated our writing lately, I thought I would give you a break by telling you about a certain group of hens who are dominating my porches.

For the past few years, I have been engaged in a battle royal with this small flock. The only casualties so far have been heat-related, and we have been stalemated for a year or more. For those of you new to the ranch, let me give you a quick overview. We usually have around 90 laying hens at any given time. Their home is a mobile coop we call Dixie Chicken, which is located next to our house in the chicken pasture. The majority of our hens are fine upstanding citizens who sleep in the coop, lay in its nest boxes, and remain in their pasture. 

There are two exceptions to this rule; the old guard and the vandals. The old guard is what remains of our original flock of hens. They grew up and lived in a smaller pasture on the other side of the house and barn. This group staged a major protest when we tried to move them into the Dixie Chicken in the new pasture several years ago and still live in the barn. I'm good with this group, we've worked it out. If they want food or protection from predators, they know where to go. Otherwise, they’re free to roost in the rafters of the barn and lay in the nest boxes I’ve provided.

The Vandals, on the other hand, are a small band of hens and their rooster who have migrated from their home in the Dixie Chicken and taken up residence on my porches. My epic battle with this marauding tribe has lasted for years, and though I am slowly gaining ground, the battle continues. You might ask, what's the problem with a few hens living on the porch? There isn't just one problem, there are many. First, and foremost, they are ravaging my potted plants for use as nesting spots and uprooting the plants in the 75’ flower bed in front of the house with their scratching and digging. The second problem is that they poop everywhere, fouling my porches, chairs, and tables every day. Third, they lay eggs in wildly random places including directly on the concrete and on tables, and finally, they’re LOUD. 

I have tried to discourage their nesting in ( and killing) my potted plants by placing pointed bamboo kabob sticks in their favored pots. I also placed the sticks around new plants in the flower bed so the hens wouldn’t dig them up. It worked for a while, but then they learned to push the sticks over and pull them out and went on squishing and digging up a storm. 

Then I tried sprinkling various strong smelling spices (cinnamon, pepper, and cayenne powder) on the affected plants. They ate the treated dirt and tracked the spices all over the porches (these are SPICY chickens). No matter what I tried, they would adapt and overcome. 

When the drought hit, I thought I had them beat.  I set up a cooling station under a peach tree in the orchard for the majority of the flock and hoped it would entice the vandals to leave the porch and rejoin their more conventional comrades in the cool shady oasis. I was shocked to see that the majority of the vandals wouldn’t give up the high ground, preferring to bake on the porches. I did lose one of the tribe to heat and I believe a few have defected to the Dixie Chicken, but I still have at least 3 hens and one rooster holding court here at the house. 

I finally decided I’m going to have to cover the mulch in the flower bed with rocks. I considered this last year but haven’t done it yet because it would make planting difficult and would reflect a great deal of heat onto the front of the house. I have concluded that this may be the only way to keep the hens out of the beds and potted plants, but only time will tell if losing access to their favorite digging and scratching spot will encourage them to leave or not. 

Today as I was returning to the house after walking around taking photos I stepped onto the porch into the shade and was immediately confronted by a lone hen. She stalked down the porch towards me squawking and hollering the whole way (I just knew she was talking trash) until I shooed her off. She thinks she’s gonna win, but I’ve invested too much time into this endeavor. Just as the Romans eventually ousted the Vandals, I will someday defeat this gang of marauders. As stated before, there’s always the shotgun :)