Dear First name / Friend,
This month I want to talk about the topic of forgiveness.
But this one may be a tough pill to swallow. Because it's about forgiving yourself.
[I see you through my computer screen, running for the hills…]
Most people have a hard time with self-compassion and forgiveness. This is because it involves addressing our guilt and shame.
We just do not want to go there.
One of the most difficult parts of my own growth journey has been working through shame - specifically, the heavy disappointment I feel when I think about versions of me in the past that kept me stuck and unhappy for long periods of time.
I think of the girl who:
-Chose romantic partners who could never meet my needs.
-Got super critical of others at work.
-Stayed in unhealthy and negative friendships.
-Put my needs on the back burner to keep the peace in my family.
-Played sports I didn't enjoy.
-Quieted or shifted my personality to fit in.
Learning how to welcome, love, and forgive this girl is one of the hardest journeys I've ever been on.
For most of us, it's pretty easy to extend compassion to others. Whether it's a friend, someone at work, your partner, or your child, I doubt that you make them feel bad when they're feeling ashamed. In fact, I bet you do the exact opposite.
But when it comes to ourselves, it's a different ballgame. We feel awful. We say unkind things. We get angry, anxious, and rattled. Then the shame spiral sets in.
For me, shame has been particularly hard for me to face, because of my “DNA.” I'm an empath. I've always been very mature for my age. My emotional intelligence is higher than the average person, and I'm a certified coach. These are some of my greatest strengths.
So when I screw up, repeat unhealthy patterns, or "behave poorly” - my immediate thought is: Shame on you. You should have this figured out by now.
But here's one of the most important lessons I've learned in my lifetime - and I want you to take this to heart, more than almost anything you'll ever hear from me as a friend or coach:
You are always doing to best you can, given your current level of awareness, courage, self-love, and healing.
[Read that a few times, because it's not up for debate.]
In order for you to make big changes in your life, you have to get to a place where you not only understand your patterns and the root of your struggles, but are willing to be vulnerable, forgive yourself, take responsibility, and move forward.
You have to be so clear in your vision and deeply rooted in your worthiness, that you make a conscious choice to do better. You decide that the pain of staying where you are is worse than the pain of moving forward.
Because if you TRULY knew better and had the capacity to do better (back then), you would have. Literally.
You are a human being who is perfectly imperfect and constantly getting to know who you are, and what you desire in your life. You simply cannot do everything “right” all the time.
Learning from your challenges and owning your story makes you beautiful and whole. And it allows you to claim you authentic power.
So - what do you do when your gut tells you it's time to forgive yourself and let go of shame?
Here are a 5 ways to practice forgiveness toward yourself:
1 - Write about it. Get out a journal + pen. Set a timer for 5 minutes, and write about how you're feeling, without stopping. Be bold, and get everything out on the page. You will feel better once you're done.
2 - Say you're sorry. Trust me when I say that apologizing can be one of the most freeing things you'll ever do (and it's extremely important as a leader, partner, and parent). Reach out to that person you care about, provide a little context, and keep your apology straight forward. Example: “I'm sorry about the time I ______ . I feel bad about ______ , and I wanted to let you know.”
3 - Try the Ho'oponopono prayer. This is a beautiful Hawaiian practice of forgiveness that helps with reconciliation, self-love, and balance. It goes: “I'm sorry, please forgive me, thank you, I love you.” Carve out five minutes in a quiet space, and say the prayer out loud a few times.
5 - Talk to a friend. Reach out to that friend who you can count on to provide a safe space for you to be vulnerable. Ask if you can share about something you'd like to get off your chest, and go for it. Practicing this will make it easier to do in the future.
Wishing you love, light, and healing as you extend yourself more grace. Please consider forwarding this newsletter to a friend who deserves the same.
