Seven years ago I was in a relationship with a bright, weird, funny, kind dude. The relationship had many issues, the most impactful were my consistent cheating and my inability to remain sober. I barely remember our breakup because I was so drunk, but I remember him telling me that he hadn’t seen me sober in weeks, despite our living together. After the breakup, I continued to reach out and flirt with him, lash out, try to rekindle what we had, and lean on him instead of dealing with my shit. I remember the last night we spent together; I showed up late at night, high off my ass and hysterically crying. The following day he walked me to my car and firmly told me that was the last time (looking back I am immensely grateful for his firm boundaries). I spent the next year drunk and high, eating grilled cheese and watching romcoms from my childhood bedroom when I wasn’t working a job I hated. Slowly in that year I quit taking hard drugs, smoking cigs, and drinking alcohol. I moved into my own place, made a plan to quit my awful job, and I began doing the things I used to love; running, practicing yoga, and writing. About three months into my amazing new lifestyle I called him up and asked to talk. I unleashed everything that I held in during our relationship and the last few years of my life, and he listened patiently. After we both felt the closure that we needed I started in again with the “so I worked on all my shit, can we be together now?” and was very strongly shut down (again). His inability to see how amazing I was fueled my determination to prove him wrong. I stopped having casual sex with people I didn’t care about and ended celibate for almost a year, which helped me heal the sexual trauma I had been carrying for half my life. I moved out of my house and into my car (a bold move, but one I am eternally grateful for). I leaned into continuing education while holding a full-time job, with the intention of growing through the career I was in. I ran, every day, sometimes all day. I would sleep in the woods and spend days by myself, running, crying, writing my feelings, reviewing them, and crying some more. I practiced yoga with the intention of breathing, instead of “getting skinny”. Very slowly, and unbeknownst to me, I stopped doing these things for him and started doing them for me. At the end of a multi-day backpacking trip through North Carolina, I realized that, while he’s still an amazing person, someone who doesn’t like dancing, spicy food and my loud, crazy family probably isn’t the best partner for me. With that realization, I set out to create a life I was in love with. I began really looking at myself in the mirror and I slowly became proud of the person looking back.
If you’re reading this letter and you identify with anything I’ve said, this letter is for you. Gone are the days of making excuses for your shitty life, allowing your past traumas to dictate your future actions and leaning on superficial words like, “yeah, I should get my shit together and go to therapy” without any real action to follow them. You are not responsible for how the void within you formed, but you are the only one who can decide how you fill it. So, what will it be? Booze and relying on someone else to make you feel better? Or self accountability, hard work and honesty?
Growth Mindset
The Maiden
Are you familiar with the seven main archetypes of feminine energy? To clarify, EVERYONE carries both feminine and masculine energy within them, you just either embrace it or suppress it. Feminine archetypes include the maiden, mother, crone, lover, wild woman, huntress and queen. I've discussed a few of these on here before and mentioned a Boss Babe podcast that explains them really well. Today I want to speak about the maiden, an archetype that I have been suppressing for my entire life. The maiden is playful, creative and social. She is also codependent and gives her power away by saying “I can’t do that because ____”. This week I enrolled in a six month mastermind course that explores different archetypes, addresses barriers and works around them. After the first class I was amazed by the process and inspired to create a guide/course to help other women live their most confident and creative lives. Once I brainstormed my options, I thought “I can’t do this, I need a project manager, which I can’t afford until I make more money, which I can’t do until I have a project manager.” A lightbulb went off - that’s a codependent thought. I am operating in the shadow of the maiden. I decided right then to start taking accountability in my life. The last two days have been spent doing all the things I have been avoiding out of hope that they would take care of themselves. Here is your reminder that life is one big science experiment and it will not start with you sitting on the side waiting for the amazing results to magically appear.
Moon Cycle Tracker
Menstruation
Last week I wrote to you saying that I started tracking my thoughts, feelings, energy levels and intentions, along with my menstruation cycle. Starting on the first day of my period I began journaling with cycle day specific prompts and I have to say, I had the best period I’ve ever had. Here’s what I have so far:
Day 1 - priority; rest, no caffeine. Self love affirmation; I am my own work of art. Journal prompt; Real change comes from taking an honest look at yourself, willingness to make tough calls and being disciplined. Take an honest look at yourself, what do you see?
Day 2 - priority; warm yourself with a bath, heating pad or sauna. Self love affirmation; I honor the divine feminine in me as I honor this time in my cycle. Journal prompt; What is your ideal? How does your body, mind and heart feel in this ideal life? What actions/feelings/thoughts/things are not a part of this ideal?
Day 3 - priority; A lot more rest, foods full of healthy fats and a cup of tea that warms your heart. Self love affirmation: I am kind, patient and loving to myself FIRST. Journal prompt; Write yourself a love letter
Day 4 - priority; new ideas, intentions and positivity. Self love affirmation: I give myself permission to “be it all” whatever that means to me. Journal prompt; You are worthy of your dreams. List them out, then go back and circle three that you are absolutely obsessed with.
Day 5 - priority; create a sacred space (with candles, music, yummy tea and cozy blankets or whatever feels good to you) and get intimate with yourself. Self love affirmation: I am stronger than my worst fears. Journal prompt; Visualize the future, what does it look like?
Day 6 - priority; begin to organize for the next three weeks. Self love affirmation: Every part of me is beautiful. Journal prompt; list your intentions for this cycle
Day 7 - priority; practice using your intuition. Self love affirmation: I forgive myself for carrying the weight of old beliefs & am ready to set them down. Journal prompt; List your fears. Don’t worry about changing, dismantling or fixing them, just acknowledge them.
This guide is meant to work for you, wherever you are in life. If you have a job that does not allow you to spend the first day of your period in bed, maybe rest means not cooking dinner, or socializing after work.
This is your reminder that masturbating while in a relationship is very healthy. It helps you love yourself, understand your own body to better communicate with your partner and satisfy your own needs without depending on someone else ~maiden archetype~
First, do you know about the bags of precooked rice? Most of them are trash and filled with 3x your daily sodium. However, I found a quinoa + grains bag that tastes great and is pretty healthy for being packaged. It's from Aldi but I'm assuming anything similar will be fine. You could also be fancy and cook your own quinoa ahead at home.
Taco layering includes:
Small tortilla (we should have heated these up on the stove)
Bag on quinoa heated over a stove (jet boil or other) with a little bit of butter, oil or water if you’re extra minimal
Guacamole, salsa, sour cream, lettuce
The toppings that made it - crispy jalapenos & taco bell fire sauce
The quinoa took about 90 seconds to heat and it took 30 seconds to assemble a taco. The clean up was super easy to because everything just stayed in their container/jars
Cheers to the journey, I'm so grateful you're along for the ride.
