Welcome to the third edition of the Life Outside of Work newsletter! 

 

I’m really excited about this month’s topic. I thought it would be fun to talk about . . . my marriage and relationship with my husband, Spiros!

 

It’s hard to believe that next month, Spiros and I will celebrate our one-year wedding anniversary. It’s even harder to believe that we’ve been together for more than eight years! Like, where has the time gone?!

 

I’m going to be honest: It’s taken me and Spiros a lot of work to get to where we are in our relationship today. It hasn’t been easy. We both have extremely busy careers, and on top of that, Spiros has a daughter (Evie, she’s 10) who lives in Michigan, and we travel to be with her every other week. Quite simply, our life is . . . bananas. 

 

Spiros and I have been through a lot in our journey together. But in many ways, our busy schedules have made us stronger. They’ve given us no choice but to prioritize each other and our connection; otherwise, there would be no relationship.

 

I am certainly not a relationship guru, but I thought I could share what I’ve learned about elevating my marriage while also elevating a business and my career, and what that juggle (and struggle) sometimes looks like. 

 

My hope is that whether you are married, dating, single and looking for a partner, or single and not looking, this post will inspire you to prioritize the relationships in your life that are important to you and remind you that no partnership is ever “perfect.” There will always be areas to grow!

 

You ready? Let’s do it!

Right before Spiros and I got married last year, I wrote one of my most favorite blog posts I’ve ever written to date: Our love story.

 

I was at a sushi bar, alone—my last “solo date” before leaving for our wedding—and I decided to write about how we met and what followed. I sat at the sushi bar writing for four hours. I remember that there was a gentleman sitting next to me, and he asked me what I was writing about. I told him I was writing about love.

 

Here’s an excerpt, which tells the story of our first date:

 

 

 

 

 

You can read more about our journey from dating to marriage here!

On our second date, I told Spiros my relationship “deal breakers.” I didn’t see the point in pursuing a relationship if we weren’t aligned in the values department.

 

Looking back, I probably came off a bit intense. We laugh about it now, but I wanted to make sure we were on the same page. I remember my dad used to always tell me that “the problems you have when you are dating only become magnified when you are married,” and so, after several failed relationships prior to Spiros, I guess I finally decided to take my dad’s advice and talk about the hard stuff right from the beginning.

 

As it turned out, we were really aligned and had a similar relationship philosophy. Our shared values have evolved as we’ve evolved together, and I would sum them up like this:

 

Independence and freedom: Spiros and I are fiercely independent. We like doing our own thing and don’t want to feel suffocated by our relationship. It’s important to both of us that we can do what we want, and we know our trust is what makes that possible. Sometimes this looks like me going on trips with my friends without Spiros, or Spiros going out with his friends while I make other plans, or having hobbies that are different from each other, or having alone time. I want to touch on the alone time part especially: There are so many times when Spiros and I will be in the same room but will be doing our own thing. We can literally sit in silence for hours and it’s not weird. We both need our alone time to refuel and to be at our best for each other. I think that’s why our relationship has stayed strong despite my traveling often for work. When I’m on the road, it gives both of us the chance to spend some time inwardly. And because we both value independence, we encourage it in each other. We never make the other feel guilty for wanting alone time. The best part is when we do spend time together, we treasure it so much and make it count because of how much time we spend apart.

 

Open communication: One of my favorite things about our relationship is that we always talk about the difficult stuff. We don’t avoid it and we don’t sweep it under the rug. It’s important to both of us to have open dialogue and to address our frustrations when we have them so that they don’t build up and become something bigger. Spiros and I have always prioritized this in our relationship, but I think that when we did long-distance in the beginning of our relationship, it really brought this value front and center. Because of the distance and a lot of time apart, our communication was all we had. We learned not to go to bed angry and to talk things out. Today, we commit to talking about frustrations soon after they happen. Sure, we may need a little time to process and get clarity before talking about them, but we don't let too much time pass. We are patient with each other; we do our best to listen and not take things personally; and we always end hard conversations with what we are each committing to so that we can do better for the other. Our open communication really matters when it comes to co-parenting Evie. It requires us to have very transparent discussions between us so that we can be aligned and be the best team for her.

 

Growth: Spiros and I both work to become better today than we were yesterday. We are passionate about growing as people and also about growing our impact and our careers. One of the reasons I love our relationship is that I never feel that Spiros is threatened by my career. He wants me to be the very best I can be, and he’s my number one fan. He doesn’t dim my light or make me feel like I have to keep myself small. If anything, he challenges me to step more fully into myself. I think about the Student Maid transition and how daunting it all felt to me. Spiros was one of my biggest encouragers. He helped me step outside of my comfort zone and chase the thing my heart was calling me to do, and I honestly don’t think I would have had the courage to go for it if it weren’t for his support. It’s equally important to me that I encourage Spiros like he does for me. There have been several times when career growth for him has meant less time together, and even a move from Florida to Houston, but nothing makes me happier than watching him go after his goals and make the impact he wants to make on the world. We both value our careers and our work very much because to us, they are the vehicle through which we make a difference. We share a passion for helping people (although I prefer my work, thank you very much . . . If you didn’t know, Spiros is a brain surgeon, and I can’t even handle a paper cut!).

 

Integrity: This is the most important value to us. Without integrity, we have nothing. It’s the foundation of our relationship. We commit to being honest with each other, to being consistent, to doing what’s right, and to doing what we say we will do . . . always. I truly cannot think of a single time when Spiros has gone back on his word or has made me question his integrity, and that means more to me than anything in the world. I’d like to think that he would say the same about me. When I think back to past relationships, I certainly had partners who didn’t act with integrity, and it was so hurtful. Spiros is my rock. He’s unwavering. He’s the person I can always count on, no matter what. And I believe that every person deserves that in a partner.

 

What are the values that are important to you in relationships? What are your deal breakers? Have you thought about them and clearly defined them? If you are in a partnership, have you and your partner talked about your shared values and commitments to each other? If not, I’d love to encourage you to spend some time on this. It’s the foundation upon which your relationships are built, and it can help you better navigate the inevitable challenges that you’ll face together along your journey.

 

And that leads me to . . . our vows. We googled “wedding vows” a week before our wedding and made our favorites our own. I think they sum up our commitment to each other and the shared vision we have for our relationship:

You probably know that I love business and leadership books . . . but did you know I am equally obsessed with relationship books?! Here are some of my favorites that have influenced my view on how to build healthy and secure relationships. Many of them I read long before I met Spiros, and I’m really grateful I did. I think reading and reflection is one of the most powerful ways we can grow and show up better for ourselves and those we love!

Attached | The 5 Love Languages | Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus | Love & Respect  The Mastery of Love | Mating in Captivity | The Science of Trust | How to Be an Adult in Love

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work | Nonviolent Communication

Do you have any relationship books that you love that aren’t on this list? If so, please reply to this email and share with our team! We love learning and growing in our relationships and would love your recs!

The Love Languages completely changed our relationship.

 

I was first introduced to Gary Chapman’s amazing work when we took the Love Languages assessment as a team. The whole idea is that people give and receive love in different ways, but that human nature is to give love in the way that you like to receive it. That means when you seek to understand the Love Languages of your partner, you are better able to meet their needs in your relationship. And it also means that when you know your own Love Languages, you are better able to communicate your needs to your partner so that you can be more fulfilled in your relationship. 

 

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 Love Languages:

When I took the assessment with our team, I learned that my primary Love Language is Words of Affirmation, and my secondary is Physical Touch. It helped me understand so much about myself and what I needed in order to feel like I was being loved well by a partner. 

 

Spiros and I met a few years after that, and a couple months into our relationship, I asked him to take the assessment (along with DISC, Strengthsfinder, Myers-Briggs, LOL. . . I’m that girl). I learned that his primary Love Language is Acts of Service, and that his secondary is Quality Time. I also learned that his lowest was Words of Affirmation . . . my highest.

 

What this means is that Spiros and I have had to work really freaking hard to communicate our love in a way that doesn’t come naturally to us.

 

I can remember days when Spiros would come home after a long day of work, and he’d walk in the door and say, “Surprise! I took your car to get an oil change today!” And honestly? I couldn’t have cared less about the oil change. What I wanted him to say was that I looked pretty or that the dinner I cooked tasted great . . . I wanted my Words of Affirmation. And I can remember days when Spiros would walk in the door and I would say, “You look so handsome!” And honestly? He couldn’t have cared less and was probably wondering why I didn’t take his truck to get an oil change . . . He wanted his Acts of Service.

 

There have certainly been times in our relationship when we’ve both been frustrated and have felt like our needs weren’t being met. So what did we do? We talked about it. We asked each other directly for what we needed. And today, when we forget, we lovingly remind each other.

 

Here’s the thing: Your partner is not a mindreader, and neither are you. I wasn’t intentionally not meeting Spiros’s needs, and he wasn’t intentionally not meeting mine. In fact, we thought we were each doing a great job. And that’s why understanding the Love Languages is so important: You can have the best intentions of communicating your love to your partner, but it doesn’t mean that it will have the kind of impact you want it to have. The more we can understand ourselves and speak up for what we need, the more we can help our partners meet those needs. And the more we can become curious about our partners and ask how we can better meet their needs, the more we can help our partners feel fulfilled in the relationship.

If you haven't taken the Love Languages, I’d recommend doing so here. And if you have, I have another idea for you . . . The Apology Languages! Another amazing one by Gary Chapman that helps you understand what you need in an apology in order for it to be received.

If you ask Spiros about Relationship Day, he will jokingly roll his eyes, but he’s always a good sport.

 

Relationship Day is when we take a step back and dedicate a day to working on our relationship instead of being in it. The idea was inspired by my experience in business. Every quarter, our team takes a full day to reflect on how we are doing together. We evaluate areas of our culture; we have honest conversations about what is working and what needs to change; we self-reflect on how we are showing up as contributors; and we create space to give feedback to one another. The idea is to zoom out to work on the business and on our team dynamic instead of working in the weeds.

 

So that’s exactly what Spiros and I do a few times a year, except a relationship edition.

 

Relationship Day is kind of misleading because it rarely takes a full day . . . more like a couple hours. And we don’t follow a rigid quarterly schedule. We aim to do it every few months, and especially if we are starting to feel disconnected.

 

Here’s how it works for us:

Sometimes the feedback might seem “silly” and “small,” but it prevents issues from building up. For example, I can recall one Relationship Day when I told Spiros that his leaving the cabinets open every time he got something out of them was really frustrating to me. And I can remember he told me that sometimes it feels like I delegate tasks to him, and he doesn’t like that feeling. We both made a commitment to work on those things, and we committed to having open communication when there was an accidental slip-up.

 

And honestly, this is one of the reasons I love Spiros so much. He might not love the idea of talking about our relationship for hours, but he does it because he knows it’s important to me and it’s aligned with our shared value of growth.

 

If you have a partner, what could a version of this look like for you? 

There will never be a monthly newsletter without music! 

 

This month’s playlist is special. It’s the playlist Spiros and I created together for our rehearsal dinner. We spent hours on it! We picked songs that feel like us and that remind us of the love we have for each other. Every time I listen to it, it makes me smile so big. (Also, Spiros has the BEST taste in music. I think I love this playlist so much because it reminds me of him.)

Hope you enjoy it as much as we do! You can listen here.

I’m a huge proponent of date night. And I think there are two kinds of dates: solo ones and the ones you share with your partner.

 

I try to go on a date with myself once a week. I have come to recognize that the only way I can be fulfilled in a relationship with another person is if I am first fulfilled in the relationship I have with myself. I block out time to do things I enjoy, and I do those things solo: I might go to a coffee shop and read a book, go to a movie, go to the spa, or go out to dinner. At first, it felt a little weird. I felt awkward going places by myself and sitting by myself, and sometimes, I felt a bit bored. But now, I can honestly say that my favorite person to spend time with is me.

 

I know, that sounds so not humble. But I think it’s important. In order to feel whole in a relationship, I really think we have to first feel whole ourselves. I have spent years working on the relationship I have with myself, and the way I did that was by spending time with myself. I genuinely enjoy my own company, and that makes me a happier person in my relationship with Spiros. 

 

That being said, it’s equally important to me to prioritize dates with Spiros. We try to go on a date once a week, but we are really flexible on what that looks like. Sometimes we both have a lot of work to do, so we will go to a place to eat dinner and we will bring our laptops. We might be working, but we are out of the house and we are together. Sometimes our dates look like eating a meal at home with candles and watching a movie after. And sometimes they look like dressing up and going out on the town.

 

But there’s a catch.

 

Spiros is on call many nights and weekends. With his kind of surgery (strokes and aneurysms), time is of the essence, and he has to go in ASAP when he gets called. That means there is a very big possibility that he could get called in while we are having a date, and it has happened more times than I can count.

 

I think this is where the independence value and the relationship I have with myself comes in. I am totally cool if Spiros gets called in. I don’t get mad. I feel grateful that he gets to help someone, and I don’t want him to ever feel bad about that. There have been many times that Spiros has left a restaurant while I have stayed and had a date with myself, and that’s okay. 

 

Our lives are busy. It takes a mix of blocking time on the calendar, not holding on to any expectations about that time, and appreciating the moments we have together when we have them. 

 

Before we close out this section, I need to share one of my best date-night secrets: I love getting dressed up for dates, whether I’m going by myself or with him! I have a membership to Rent the Runway and get so many cute outfits there. When I select my outfits for the month, I choose some for work and some that I can wear on dates! You can get 40% off your first month by signing up here.

With two houses in two U.S. states and two busy jobs, it can be tough to keep up. One of the things that Spiros and I had to get aligned on early in our relationship is how we would share the responsibility of household tasks and what we would outsource.

 

Spiros and I are lucky in that we each enjoy doing things that the other doesn’t like to do. For example, I like laundry but don’t like emptying the dishwasher. Spiros, on the other hand, doesn’t like doing laundry but likes emptying the dishwasher. (And “like” is a strong word in these examples . . . meaning if we had to choose a chore, this is what we would choose). We both prefer a clean space, so it comes naturally for both of us to pitch in—but still, it isn’t enough. We had to have honest conversations about the expectations we have for each other, talk about responsibilities and who owns what, and acknowledge the reality that we can’t keep up with everything without external help.

 

For us, it makes sense to take on different roles depending on whether we are in Michigan or Houston. In Houston, Spiros is often on-call, so I take the lead on cooking and taking care of our home. In Michigan, Spiros is not on-call, so he takes the lead on cooking and taking care of our home. When it comes to Evie, we are definitely a team, and sometimes I will get to Michigan early to pick her up from school so Spiros can have a full work day in Houston. And sometimes, Spiros will get there early so that I can have a full work day before flying to Michigan.

 

But the real secret to how we manage it all? We have help. LOTS of it. And I know we are definitely in a place of privilege to be able to have the resources to outsource these things. I—much more than Spiros—have been the one to push us to outsource because we don’t have a lot of time together as it is, and I want to spend the time that we do have with each other. I also can’t deny how much it helps my mental health . . . having help makes me feel like our lives are a bit more in control. When I think back, I’ve always had a history of outsourcing things. I have prioritized my income there over taking vacations and other luxuries. In the beginning, I remember I could only hire someone to help me for one hour a week, but that one hour was so helpful. So as my resources grew, I focused them there. Spiros would rather do the work and save the money than outsource, but he supports hiring help because he knows how important it is to me.

 

So what do we outsource? We have the most amazing people in Houston and Michigan who help us clean our house and wash our laundry once a week. (That being said, Spiros and I still clean each week, but it’s more upkeep. I like the house extremely clean, so I tend to do more of the home upkeep in between cleanings, but if I need help, I’ve learned to speak up for my needs and ask Spiros. He’s totally willing to help.) We also have help with our lawn in Michigan. (Spiros does upkeep during visits. He asks me to do yard work a few times a year, and while I don’t love it, I do it because I know it matters to him.) We outsource grocery shopping, dry cleaning, car cleaning, and transportation for traveling to and from Houston and Michigan airports. And finally, we are so lucky that Amanda, our team’s Chief of Compassion, is also there to help us. She helps us get aligned on our personal calendars, handle all travel logistics, and coordinate all of the services and amazing people who help us make life a bit more manageable. Part of Amanda’s role is to help me personally so that I can show up as my best at work, and I honestly don’t know what I would do without her support.

 

If you are wondering how to elevate your teamwork in your partnership, my suggestion is to have an open conversation with your partner about where you are struggling and where you need help. That’s how I started the conversation with Spiros, and it’s what led us to find the rhythm we have today.

 

(Side note: I’ve heard the book Fair Play by Eve Rodsky is amazing. I haven’t read it, but a few members of our team have, and they said it really helped with determining how to best share household responsibilities in their marriages.)

I am the biggest believer in therapy! Whether it’s one-on-one or you and your partner, I think it’s so healthy to have a safe space where you can reflect and grow.

 

There can be such a stigma associated with going to therapy, and I think some people believe that you only go when you have a “problem.” I couldn’t disagree more. I used to go to therapy alone for the sole purpose of growing as a human. It helped me learn more about myself and the experiences that shaped me, and it helped me communicate better in my relationships. I’m so grateful that I did that work before meeting Spiros because he got a better version of me as a result.

 

On our second date (the same date I told him about my “deal breakers”), I told Spiros that therapy is really important to me, and that I think it’s healthy and critical to go as a couple proactively. (I know . . . a lot to spring on someone on a second date!) I wanted to know what his thoughts were on that, and because he values growth, he was totally down to do it if our relationship continued to evolve.

 

Spiros and I have been to several therapy sessions where we’ve talked about how we can better meet each other's needs, and they have been hugely, hugely valuable. At our wedding, one of my mentors told us that the best marriage advice he has is to go to a therapy session once a quarter, even if everything is great. 

 

. . . and that reminds me, we need to schedule one for ourselves because it’s been a bit, and we are due!

And there we have it, friends. Thanks for reading the third edition of the Life Outside of Work newsletter! 

 

Most of all, what I hope you take from this is that no relationship is perfect. Relationships take work. And no matter what, the relationship we can always work on is the one we have with ourselves!

 

I can’t wait to see you again next month for a new topic. Until then, my team and I are here for you if you have any questions. 

 

See you soon!

Read our full sponsorship and affiliate disclosure here.