Hi!
Happy to be here–in fact I have so much to tell you. No long preamble, it’s all in the list. Lately, I’ve been structuring these letters in the format of a recommendations list, this week all vaguely related to the theme of: overwhelm. (the cinnamon is a bit of a stretch…) I started this over a week ago and in that time I overwhelmed myself with insights on the topic, making it challenging to distill this down. Since this was meant to go out weeks ago it has no mention of last week's holiday holiday, but very grateful for you reading, today and all days. 1. Dosage- It's critical to the effectiveness of medications and also in relationships. My default is to text friends all that makes me think of them. But I've been considering dosage since we all have heaps of recipes to try, places to go, podcasts to listen to, articles to read… A text–even a thoughtful one–could pull their focus from a task. Adding to their to-do list, even something fun, might cause more harm than good. I'm learning to hold back some now because it will be more effectively received in smaller portions, paced out like a meal.
2. More Contribution, Less Consumption- Often overwhelm arises when I'm under contributing or creating. It's challenging to be present when connecting with others or consuming their work, if I am not contributing/creating myself. Erin gave the advice (here or non-recorded), that when she feels overwhelmed she stops taking in anything. My tendency is to distract myself from the uncomfortable feeling by listening to something. But even if it is nourishing or educational, it is still input for my overstimulated brain to attempt to retain. Now I take Erin's approach and pause all consumption when overwhelm arises. I examine what I can release, remove from my plate, or delegate, rather than add. However, I often don't know where to begin so I will go on a… 3. Purposeless Walk- When I feel lost, long walks are the only thing that will get me out of my head and into my body at any time of day. I may walk to a destination just to get myself out the door, or I walk nowhere. Walking is the most effective way to figure out what I need when intense thoughts spiral in my mind. Anne Lamott said, "My mind remains a bad neighborhood that I try not to walk alone in at night." Conversely, walking alone at night in my neighborhood is the best solution to deal with my anxious mind. Courtney Marie Andrews and I discussed this here and she told me about this article from the BBC about the benefits of purposeless walking. There's a great quote--“a path forms by walking”--and for me it usually does. 4. A professional grade shaker- Given to me by Nick when we were dating, it is the type you'd see at a coffee shop pre-Covid. Practical yet thoughtful, it is my most used gift. He saw me overwhelm most foods with heavy-handed shakes of cinnamon. Daily I put it on yogurt, on toast with coconut oil, on green apples with sea salt and lemon. Most don't love cinnamon at this level–but I recommend whatever condiment you’re most into: get a container with easy dispensing for it. And as a general gift rec, think of what the receiver uses, then consider a practical item that could enhance their experience. My relationship with the gifter ended but the shaker and I are ‘til death do us part… |
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5. Overwhelm ‘em with kindness- As a kid, whenever I was left out my mom advised me to “kill ’em with kindness”. This never landed…it felt forced or slightly passive aggressive? When I am kind now it isn't altruistic, I just feel better when I give what I can without expectation. Earnest over-giving is my default setting. A therapist pointed out this is just one way to show love and for me it is like a muscle that is overly developed. She advised I work on showing love in other more nuanced modes. George Saunders said, "What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness. Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering and I responded … sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.” I may come off as smothering, or too much, too soon. And my genuine friendliness has been misconstrued. I have attempted to be more withholding but that never really works out for me either. Holding back when I could have been helpful, or at least kind, feels worse than occasionally feeling depleted after over-giving. I accepted that I'd rather err on the side of over-giving, overwhelming pals with links [love] too soon. This certainly is too much for some, but I hope for others it is useful. I'm not advising abandoning yourself, but rather giving what you have the capacity to regardless of how that's perceived. I don't advise being the person baking birthday cakes for non-close friends when you can't seem to get your projects finished--there is a middle ground I'm clearly still searching for. 6. Slowness in knowing people- I had a bad habit of interviewing new people. “Where'd you grow up?" No one wants to be interrogated at a party. Now my go-to line is, “What did you do today?” They divulge what they want and withhold what they don’t. Moving at this pace may take longer to get to know someone deeply but knowing the surface layer is important too. And that is the layer most suited for the fits and starts of a party or waiting in a line setting. On Whitney’s episode when he said: "Friendship can't be forced or rushed.” I was new to LA, and beginning friendships I was eager to rush. Karolina pointed out I crave “middles” (the state my friendship with her was in). I wanted to rush to the comfortable closeness with everyone I was meeting but, like most great things, friendship takes time. 7. Solving > Coping- My tendency toward overwhelm, has seeped into all areas of my life and has honestly been a bit debilitating recently so I'm trying to solve rather than merely cope. I heard the advice, “don't have anything on your plate you don't want to eat.” My plate is stuffed with things I do want, yet don't have the energy for with still having energy left to do my own work, creative practice, chores, etc. And when my calendar, my inboxes, and my to-do lists are over-full–it’s difficult to be spontaneous. When over-scheduled I can't meander into places that could potentially be interesting or might be dead ends. And I want to leave room for that mystery. This means learning to say no, a word I have never uttered…at least not without fear I’ve disappointed people. But I’m going to try to say no to others more so I can say yes to my own projects, some. Or else pretty soon no one is going to want to be around me since I will be so grumpy because I haven’t done my work in months. It's less about time management because time is finite. It can't be created or destroyed, however energy is a resource we can replenish. I'm learning to better manage my energy to ensure I leave enough for my work/ leisure as well as my relationships. 8.. Extra time > Rushing- ‘Tis the season to be prepared. It’s likely a busier time of year, due to extra social engagements, potential hosting, gift buying, traveling, etc. on top of our typical responsibilities. I'm trying to get organized and might host a holiday party…or I’m thinking now I will likely need more time, and everyone is swamped at the end of the year so perhaps a mistletoe on Valentine's Day affair to remember? For some the holidays are a particularly challenging time while others look forward to it all year. Historically it has been the former for me, though I've learned techniques to manage my dread and overwhelm and put a bit of happy back into the holidays. I outlined all I've accumulated about having a better experience of the holidays in this workshop. It is now self-study and if you think it might be useful it is there for you again this year. *** Below I am your human algorithm taking you to corners of the internet I popped into this week with the list of links below. I hope the dosage suits you and it doesn't pull your focus from something important. And if it did, I hope you return to your task with ease. Have a nice week or so, Katie PS. In Process 's topic last week was Overwhelm within a creative practice. And my take that procrastination and overwhelm are related… If you want to read more about that you can read this message |
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HUMAN FRIENDS, THE ORIGINAL ALGORITHM LINKS I TEXTED MINE RECENTLY a few articles I read: -"Beat Happening" …didn’t have a career ambition for their music. “It was about entertaining yourself and having this adventure with your friends,” Lunsford explains. -He longs for connection, like we all do, as he put it: “…my ambition went from “I want X career achievement” to “I want to feel good most of the time.” Because all the career stuff, I was just using that as a way to feel good in my body, or in my existence. I am isolated. I do want to be more like everybody else. Like, I long for connection.” -George Saunders is a national treasure or as his recent GQ profile put it, “a guide through the chaos" a few things I listened to: -related to dosage…I listened to this album on repeat most of September. And I love that they're all in coasts in this performance, as an indoor coat wearer myself. -This episode on time management from The Atlantic's show on happiness. SOMETHING I SAW: - This before & after is my inspiration for my kitchen in my apartment, who here knows how to transform my place to look like this? I think it's possible. |
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A FEW THINGS I COOKED: -As you probably know, I do not cook, I eat most of my meals standing like Brad Pitt in movies unless I'm out to dinner with Captain…but if you are like me and want meals…Karolina aforementioned best friend I'm in a “middle” with can cook for you oh if you're in LA. or sell you books in Topanga. -My friend Marisa moved to my neighborhood, we made these “life changing” cookies She gave me two to take, and I ate on the drive home, the other for breakfast. I made more using Pumpkin seed protein as some of the flour. Code is letitout if you get anything from Sprout. a few things I bought… - Clothes at garage sales, and vintage on Poshmark, attempting to buy clothes secondhand mostly and hoping to sell items I'm not wearing on my own Poshmark which I will be adding to soon. -Nadine promised her line, which happens to be my favorite, would soon make a natural mascara…well that time has come… Nadine was kind to give us a code for all Living Libations which is: letitout -Speaking of Nadine, I reordered the only supplement I take which she recommended. I've been on it for 9 months and turns out, I see a difference--my hair grew a lot and my skin is better. I reached out to them and I met Natalia in the customer support chat. When she saw my name, she told me she listens to the podcast and it was one of the coolest ways I've ever met someone. Thanks to Natalia from Primeadine we have a code, which is, you guessed it: letitout |
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actress lynn chen on rejection, complex eating & more |
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A couple weeks ago, I had a conversation with actress, director, and filmmaker Lynn Chen. You may know her from Grey's Anatomy or her breakout role in Saving Face. We talk about everything from rejection to eating disorder recovery to Felicity. Since I began this newsletter about overwhelm, something has shifted in my perspective around it. My to-do list has grown, yet I feel better. I decided to accept overwhelm instead of trying to eliminate it. I believe the cliche, "what we resist persists", so accepting overwhelm is perhaps the way to shift it. This week’s guest Lynn Chen said something similar related to another uncomfortable, yet inevitable part of existence: rejection. As an actress she’s learned how to live with it and said, “It wasn't about making friends with rejection, but more like allowing it to sit at the table with me. I don't need to be your friend, you don't need to be my friend, but we can be here together, existing." |
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((message me with questions)) FOR THIS WEEK ONLY
CODE IS: GIVE for 50% off both (!!!) THAT'S HALF OFF |
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GOOD HOUSEKEEPING REMINDERS |
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-if you'd still like to join In Process you can and you can do it as self-study and participate as you'd like to. -Spiraling, the second show I co-host with Serena Wolf-… new episode just went up and before that episode 3 & episode 4. We covered communication, relationships, money comparison, parents aging, bodies changing, and aging….always sounds like a downer but honestly we're mostly making jokes. |
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Bottom images: overwhelmed Carrie / me stills from Sex in the City middle ss from zoë's post |
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GRATEFUL FOR YOU! today tomorrow all days. If you like this newsletter // podcast share it with a friend! (thank you) And please leave a rating on Spotify or Apple Podcasts of either show…it helps more than you think. |
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