Dear First name / Friend,
I'm going to share something with you that I don't think I've ever shared with my coaching community before.
I, Margie Thirlby, have a grieving challenge.
What does that mean?
It means that I struggle with grief and I am actively working on it. Yikes.
Here's a little story…
About a year ago at my therapist's office, my counselor looked at me and said: “Margie, you need to learn how to grieve.”
I was confused. I said: “Clinton - What do you mean?! I'm such an empathetic person and I tear up all the time!”
Clinton clarified that while I do a good job talking about grief and holding space for others, I don't really grieve things in my own life.
He then explained to me what grief actually meant. I had always thought that grief was crying because someone in your life had passed away, or reacting to something sad on the news.
While those are both examples of grief, I learned that grief is ultimately the act of (emotionally) processing things in your life that have changed, or are not as you'd like them to be.
In a November 30 Instagram post, Dr. Caroline Leaf (a neuroscientist and bestselling author) shared “examples of grief that aren't related to death.” Some included: - Moving to a new city
- Losing your job
- A change in your body
- Infertility
- A divorce or breakup
- A change in finances
- A loss of old habits that once served you
Looking through this list, it hit me hard. Almost all the examples applied to my own life. I then thought of other examples. The list went on and on...
This made me think: If we ignore grief so often, what are we doing instead? And what are the consequences?
First - we numb our emotions. Emotional numbing is the mental and emotional process of shutting out feelings. This includes things like scrolling social media, drinking, gossiping, over-exercising, nail biting, staying extra busy, or online shopping. [On some days, it's like one giant bingo card for me, and I'm winning every round.]
To be clear - there is no shame in engaging in these behaviors - it's part of being human. But as Dr. Leaf explains:
"You are not a bad person for occasionally relying on unhealthy coping mechanisms. It is important, however, to recognize these are bandaids and not solutions.”
So what is the point here?
When we avoid grief, we don't fully heal or make much progress. As a result, we don't experience the level of joy, peace, and happiness that we deserve. And it impacts those around us.
. . .
So - as you probably expected, I am giving you one uncomfortable homework assignment as you close out 2022: Your gratitude + grief inventory.
Before you delete this email, get out a sheet of paper (or your journal), and craft two lists:
1 - GRATITUDE
Write down as many things as you can think of that you feel grateful for right now. They can be anything - a friend you care about, a walk with your dog, a great book, the smell of Eucalyptus oil, the sunrise this morning, a tree in your backyard, or your favorite coffee mug. Write without stopping for at least three minutes.
2 - GRIEF
Using the above example (from Dr. Leaf) as a starting point, jot down a list of things that you might need to grieve. Look back over the past 3-5 years, and identify anything that might have caused you grief - even if you did not recognize it at the time. Get honest with yourself.
Naming grief and gratitude are important because they exist at the same time. You can be happy and sad. Excited and nervous. Optimistic and disappointed. If we name our competing emotions, it's easier to work through the tough ones.
Once you've completed your lists, it's now time to process your grief.
Now I know what you're thinking: "Okay Margie, I don't like this but I'm willing to give it a try. How the heck do I grieve!?”
Grieving can be uncomfortable and awkward at first. If it's hard for you to process your emotions on the spot, consider journaling as a start. So much can be illuminated once you start putting pen to paper.
Not into journaling? Book a therapy appointment, call a trusted friend (share your grief list with them), or do a yoga class designed for releasing stuck energy.
And if you're still thinking: “But I really have nothing to grieve" - please stop it. Seriously. If you're a human being who is reading this newsletter and went through the last few years of the pandemic, trust me - you have a lot to process.
If you're willing to be brave, please consider replying to this email to share with me ONE thing you'll be grieving this holiday season. I will respond by thanking you for your honesty, and sending you a big virtual hug.
Don't forget that you are one resilient and remarkable human being.
