Dear First name,

I’ve been up since 5 am. It snowed through the night and the world I woke up to was buried in freshness. We all know snow is slippery and dangerous and what not. But something about the layers of softness here in the dark doesn't make me feel in danger- instead its just the opposite. I feel more safe.

 

Safety is a good thing to feel right now because I’m teaching a free class on Intuitive Photography today. I am very nervous. Mostly the good, exciting kind of nervous. 

 

I’m not nervous because almost 300 people have signed up. Although that does kind of shock me and makes me feel tingly and strange. I’m not nervous because I don’t know how to teach–I’ve taught for so many years, and I truly love it. Doing so feels like slipping into a more silky, social, silly version of myself. Like pajamas I imagine wealthy people wear. Matching ones but also playful and sorta sexy.

I also like teaching because I get to be useful. I get to talk about subjects that are so alive they breathe in me. Intuition. Photography. I realize this newsletter is mostly a pep talk to myself but shit, I guess I needed it so allow me to say: I can do this.  I can more than do this. I can even do it well.

 

But I am still nervous. I am nervous because even though everything I just wrote above is true, something mysterious and unrelenting in my body doesn’t let me feel its whole trueness. Despite a million grounding practices, hours of meditation, a weekly date with my damn mountain, a raw, hypervigilant voice in me yells, “LOOOOOK OOOOOUUUUUTTTT! THIS COULD GO BADLY. STAY ON HIGH ALERT. WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR DEEPER BELIEFS, TRUST, INTUITION OR  EXPERIENCES!”

 

Why won't this voice let me enjoy my weirdly sexy pajamas in peace?

 

And who even IS this voice that's been jabbering at me since I was a wee, single digit aged human of about 4? 

 

Is this voice fear?

Is this voice negativity bias?

Is this voice ego?

Is this voice the byproduct of being a single mom and income provider for so many years, all too aware of how much rides on how well I “perform,” knowing that how much people like me and find value in what I offer as a teacher very well makes or breaks whether or not I can keep providing for my family and holy hell that is v v stressful…..(trails off existentially not even sure whether to finish sentence with period or question mark…)

 

This voice is likely a combo of all those things. This voice is majorly lacking in charisma. This voice is also further proof of my humanity. And gahd, I know we silly humans make ourselves look real bad with all the shit we pull, but can we stop hating the human half of us? I don't know what you believe or how to tell you what I do because it's beyond dualism but let's pretend for a second the following heteronormative metaphor makes sense and is offensive to no one here.

 

Humanity is like the embarrassing half of our gene pool. Divinity is the half we’re all proud of. You know, like if mom (the divine half) were rich but somehow still warm and likable like Oprah and dad (the human half) was a gambling bandit on Kanye's legal defense team. And we’re all like, omg dad you are so embarrassing, stop making me look so bad and weak and volatile, but mom can you PLEAZE keep giving away those free cars and doing those super soul Sunday interviews because the people have spoken and they wanna feel good and super human which literally means they don't wanna feel like people at all but Demi gods, as in like mom’s side of the family. NOT dad’s. No, we are burning dad's sweaters and photoshopping dad’s side out of our social media posts FOREVER. 

 

But the truth is, whoever the hell you are, we all got both sides. The light and dark, the good and bad - forever inseparable from each other. And the bad is never what we wanna brag about per say but absolutely IS what we are fascinated by and secretly can't tear our eyes away from, at least not until we confront its murky depths in ourselves. It is also so very often from the dark where we reach out and connect with one another. Cuz if you're God, you're busy and got nothing to learn from nobody.

 

And let's be honest. Mom probably wants to play those excellent Kanye albums sometimes. And dad wants to pick you up from school in the car he didn't buy you exactly but won in a recent neighborhood poker game. I'm so tired of glorifying one over the other and losing our wholeness on the way. 

 

The point is today I'm going to teach a free class. Both mom and dad are invited. The dance floor of human and divine will be lit. Think recent scene from the Wednesday Adams Netflix show. You know the one. By the time you all read this newsletter on Tuesday the class will be done. 

 

Wouldn't you know it, after all that time sitting with my human on the page, I got to talk about where the divine lives in us? I got to talk about how intuition functions beyond the human mind. I got to explore with you how we use our very human animal instincts as a portal to our all knowing selves. Life is funny that way. The class was real good- a few awkward, knobby and endearing human elbows and all.

 

I gave everyone there a crazy deal on Teethkiss the class which starts on January 9th and which is nearly sold out and which I wanna now peer pressure you into making all the way sold out. As in, please buy. Now. There is so much to read about it, but basically you wanna learn from me, I promise. 

 

“Pretend I stuck the landing,” 

 

Tom Weaver.

 

Jk,

 

Xx,

Yan