Dear First name,
 
I am bad at giving gifts. You don't want me to draw your name in the holiday gift exchange.
 
The problem is that what I really want to give is never for sale. And I never know just what to do about that. 
 
But if it's the thought that counts, please know that this holiday season, I wish I could give you:
 
The call you’re waiting for that never seems to come.
 
A soft look of total acceptance adoration.
 
The lightness that tingled through your entire body the last time you felt free.
 
Another day with the person you lost.
 
Your favorite song coming on randomly in the exact moment you needed it.
 
A color you've never noticed in the sky until now.
 
Running into a childhood friend in a city far away from home.
 
Hearing you are the most beautiful being in the world….and really believing it.
 
Knowing everyone you love is somewhere safe, warm and happy this very moment.
 
A candle scented with belief that never burns out.
 
The hand of who you miss most to hold one more time.
 
Knowing how the story ends (but then I'd want you to immediately forget again).
 
Scratching every itch you’ve never been able to reach.
 
The realization that you, right now, are everything you admire.
 
The thing it feels like they took when they hurt you.
 
The sensation in your chest the moment you realized you were in love.
 
The ability to see them with wonder the way you did when you first met.
 
The item you don’t know how to tell anyone you want.
 
Driving fast down a road with the windows wide open and nowhere to be.
 
The answer to the question your year has been asking.
 
The way a story comes alive in your heart like the characters must truly exist SOMEWHERE.
 
The sound of your parents laughing together.
 
Permission to stop explaining yourself.
 
Your trust back.
 
A bird bursting from a tree branch, brushing your cheek in flight.
 
The message from the beyond you've been waiting for.
 
Finishing something you thought you NEVER would.
 
Finishing something you ALWAYS knew you could.
 
All of the laundry folded forever.
 
Knowing the one you love is thinking about you right now.
 
Knowing you count as the one you love.
 
Freedom from fear.
 
Never wanting to be more than you are because you remember, 
you’re everything and it is enough.
 
Sincerely, 
someone who doesn't love the holidays, but loves humans for trying to do the damn best they can,
Yan
 
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