Today, I'm writing this to you from a quiet café car on the train back to the city, although I'll be finishing it looking out over Charlotte the morning of a friend's wedding. Each time I ride the train — which is my all-time favorite type of transportation next to ferry rides — I flock straight to the diner-like seats to write or crank through my to-do list in the most meditative of states. The soft rumbling and lingering smell of brewing black coffee is grounding. I'm thinking about wedding planning, babies, friendships that serve as pillars throughout life, the small pleasure of sipping on ginger ale, and how my Grandma used to make the same trek to carve out time for the people she loved.
I don't know about you, but there is a lot of
loveless,
senseless tragedy happening collectively but also in the lives of my closest friends. I've learned that big emotions suck the life right out of you. Everyone handles hard times differently, but sometimes, when life or loss or grief or depression or anxiety or heartbreak really knocks you on your ass, it's hard to think about what you want or need through the fog of it all. Although people aren't mind readers, trying to figure it out (or even respond to how you're feeling) feels like a burden on top of everything else. Depressed people understand what I'm saying.
So I've come up with a challenge. When we even slightly sense that someone may be dealing with big emotions, let's stop asking what they need and take a second to think specifically about how we can offer help. Let's stop asking people to keep us updated, and make a note in our phone or calendar to check in. Let's stop asking someone how they are and ask if they want someone to talk to — or someone to be with.
Here are a list of ways you can be there for someone struggling in-person, without being a burden to them.
+ Bring them a meal (Not just baked goods)
+ Go over and do their laundry
+ Go over and tidy up
+ Ask if you can sleepover or lay with them while they rest, no talking necessary
+ Ask if you can come over watch a movie with them
+ Watch their kids while they rest
Here are a list of ways you can be there for someone struggling long distance, without being a burden to them.
+ Get a meal delivered or Door Dashed (Not just baked goods)
+ Email them a gift card for food
+ Ask if you can fall asleep with them on FaceTime, no talking necessary
+ Ask if you can virtually watch a movie with them
+ Send them a verse, affirmation, or funny meme first thing in the morning every day for a week (Express no response necessary)
+ Write a handwritten card or letter
+ Ask their partner or co-parent if you can help pay a trusted babysitter for one day or night so they can rest
Borrowed from
this Bustle article, here are a few
text or phone call prompts to send someone going through a hard time.
+ “I want to support you in any way that would feel best for you. Take your pick: I’m happy to do X, Y, Z, or anything else that would feel good for you.”
+ “I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Want to FaceTime or call?”
+ “Do you want my advice or do you want me just to listen? Happy to do either or both."
+ “Do you want to talk about it?”
+ “Have a coffee on me (check your Venmo 👀)!”
+ “I want you to know that I’m thinking of you and sending you love. Please don’t feel any pressure to reply, but just know that I’m here for you.”
+ “I’m around in the evenings this week and through the weekend if you want to talk/vent, hang out and read quietly together, watch reality TV, go for a walk, or anything else your heart desires. Just say the word.
+ “I’ve seen you overcome past challenges by being true to yourself and honoring your needs and feelings. I know that you can do the same thing again.”
+ "You don't have to have all the answers right now. We'll figure it out."
Here are a few online examples of being there for people I've seen recently that have brought me to actual tears.
I encourage all of us to do this for the loved ones in our lives, and our immediate communities. People may have partners, parents, kids, friends — but you never know when you may be the person they need.
Thank you for reading this letter and sharing in this life with me.
How do you show up for your loved ones and your community, or how do you want to? What comforts you in a time of need, or what bothers you the most? Reply by email if you want to share or just want to say hi. To read the last letter,
click here. See you at the bottom.