I’m going to tell you the truth about the confident girl.

 

I am one of them. I am not shy. I’m a social introvert. I love people, I love to laugh, and I love parties. I like to look nice and dress up. I know what I think and stand on what I believe.

 

But inside, there are times I am anything but confident.

 

I’m not fishing for a pity party here, but I want to offer a little insight into women like myself. We are the ones people label “intimidating”, whether because of appearance or lifestyle or job – whatever. I’ve been told, “Before I met you, I thought you were – ” fill in the blank a thousand times. I am sure the same thing happens with introverts. People will always make assumptions; that’s just how the world works.

 

But for years, confidence was my crutch. Just as some introverts might hide behind a book or among familiar friends, I pulled myself up by my bootstraps, slapped on a smile and some lipstick and faced a world I wanted to cringe from. Inside I was so afraid of what they all thought. On the outside, I wasn’t afraid of anything.

 

I learned to adapt to my environment. While people around me wondered if I liked them, I was terrified that I made them feel that way. I bent over backwards to be who I thought they’d want me to be. I tried to make everyone feel welcome, make sure everyone had a good time. And if someone didn’t, I took it as a reflection on who I was as a person.

 

I was a chameleon, watering down or amplifying whatever part of myself would appeal to those around me. “You’re so confident!” I was told, while I was anything but.

 

Perhaps you know a confident girl, and she does intimidate you. You don’t want to approach her because she seems too {insert descriptor here} for you. I’m here to tell you: She needs you as much as you need her. You need each other. She may indeed be confident, but inside she is still a woman… just like you.

 

Though outwardly confident, I wrestled to release myself from fear in my relationships with other women. I wanted to be true to who I was, but I was terrified that who I was would push them away. But the realization came upon me like a tidal wave. I was tired: Tired of being someone I wasn’t. Tired of being afraid. Tired of being disingenuous and people-pleasing. That was the day I embraced who God made me as a woman.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Secular meditation is based on eastern religions which emphasize emptying the mind. In Celebration of Discipline Richard Foster points out that biblical meditation is always a FILLING of the mind, not an emptying! So the best way to do this would be to memorize Scripture and meditate on it during prayer. You could set a timer for ten minutes, recite the verses you're learning and pray them back to God. Ask Him to calm you and make these truths real to you throughout the day!

 

 

I love that you listened to the canon series of Verity Podcast because you'll be particularly equipped for this talk with your child! For a kiddo, I might say something like: “We can trust the Bible because God gave it to many witnesses. In other words, a LOT of people over a long period of time all saw God work and trusted in Him. God was not secretive about His plans! Those people wrote down what they saw in the Bible. Because there were so many witnesses in so many different cultures and times, the Bible is more trustworthy than most historical documents. In fact, there are more early, historical documents about Jesus than there are about the ruler of Rome, and we all know the Caesars existed!” Obviously edit that for your particular child. A good book that has lots of visuals is How We Got the Bible by Jones.

 

 

This conversation is always hard because 1) many Protestants have an underdeveloped respect for life and its sanctity; even if they vote against abortion, their overall mentality toward children is more worldly than it is aligned with God's heart. 2) We all have experiences that we can point to as proofs for our decisions, and this makes us emotional! We don't like the idea that our view of a subject like children might be wrong.

 

That said, there are some extreme groups in Christianity who see having MORE children as a sign of holiness. What began as a true appreciation for life ended in legalism. These are the camps who may use a “spirit of fear” as a buzzword to manipulate their constituents into guilt, instead of guiding them to listen to the voice of the Spirit.

 

On the other extreme we have more and more Christian couples claiming that the Bible says they can willfully reject children and just enjoy sterilized sex for the entirety of marriage. This is deeply concerning to me on many levels, the first of which is the clear partnership with cultural views of children, parenthood, and sexual responsibility. Much of this is the product of the church's normalization of contraception. What many Protestants don't realize is that full endorsement of contraception, but rejection of homosexual relationships, is inconsistent. Christian marriage is to be covenantal and life-giving echoing God's very nature as a God of covenant, the Giver of Life. Sex is for pleasure and procreation; if we do not intentionally sterilize, we procreate. It is designed to function in such a way and that function should be honored.

 

However, this does not mean we “must” have ten children. It means that we deal with the underlying trauma, contempt, and fear that is causing us to reject children that God loves, and we seek His face diligently before making fertility decisions. So where does the “spirit of fear” play into this? First, let's make sure this phrase isn't coming from a manipulative church body attempting to cut out the Holy Spirit's lead. Next, let's ask: Have I sought God about this, or have I just liked a bunch of posts on IG about how annoying kids are and how it's “okay” not to have them? Then, figure out the underlying motivation for preventing any or more kids. Is it a major health issue (such as my pregnancy-induced autoimmune condition, which was a factor in our planning)? Is it a fear of becoming like an abusive parent? Is it a desire to preserve a perfect life and personal freedom? Be honest with yourself and then with God. He already knows what's in your heart. 

 

This process will and should take time, and should involve your spouse. As you seek and pray, God will lead you forward. But be open to His voice. And open your heart to the truth about children - that they are good and loved by Him, and should be honored, even if you end up not having more/any. 

 

I do believe that God will hold us accountable for our attitudes toward humans (all of the Law proves this): that includes the old, the young, the unborn, and those of different ethnicities. If my readers are against racism, I hope they are equally against ageism – including ageism against children, born or unborn.

 

More on This: Christopher West/Theology of the Body for Beginners; @managingyourfertility on Instagram.