I am in a period of recalibration.

 

I have felt it since the beginning of the year but couldn't find a word to describe it until yesterday.

 

I'll be honest, 2023 is not what I expected. It feels stickier than I anticipated – it feels like I am walking through mud and simultaneously stuck under water in a daze. And if I am being completely honest with you and myself, I don't feel fully like myself.

 

But then I ask, what does it mean to feel like myself?

 

Why do I expect myself to be just one thing or feel just one way?

 

After telling a friend that my life in Mexico City was feeling stale, he told me that this staleness and stagnation is actually a part of living a vibrant life. You can't just have the goodness but you must embrace the discomfort because a vibrant life is a full spectrum life exploring all of the facets of feelings and experiences.

 

So I am trying to give myself grace.

 

In this period of recalibration, I feel like I have to push myself to do the things I used to do without hesitation. I spend most of my days in solitude and contemplation. My meditation cushion feels sacred and I have gotten back into dance. I go to bed early and rise with the sun. I spend my days in my head and writing in my journal. I look outside of the beautiful city around me and often wonder, “why am I here?”

 

I realize I am recalibrating to a completely new way of being. 

 

Believe it or not, I don't want to live nomadically anymore. Well, at least not for now. I am tired of not knowing where I am going to rest myself in three weeks time. I dream of baking bread for my friends and decorating a place and calling it mine. For the past two years, signing a lease felt like a death sentence but now it feels like liberation. It feels like the exact thing my soul has been calling me towards.

 

Although my mind knows where it wants to go, my physical reality has not yet caught up. It's hard for me to really enjoy the thing in front of me when I know it's not exactly what I am wanting or needing – or is it? 

 

I've been sitting with this idea of emptiness – everything is empty of a nature. There is nothing in this world that is self existent. It all exists based on our own perception of it. So, signing a lease will not magically solve all of my problems. I will not experience bliss the moment I move to a place and call it my home. Just like traveling to a new country will not solve everything. Or finding the partner. Or job. Or anything, really. So how do I know what I am moving towards while also enjoying what is right in front of me?

 

It's a daily practice. I have been choosing to find joy in the little things. In the opportunity to spend time with new and old friends in a city that feels like home. To savor the sunshine and warm days. Taking care of my body and mind and having spaciousness within my schedule. In finding the limitless potential of this liminal space. 

 

Things are changing, quicker than I imagine. I'm being redirected in a completely different path forward than I saw for myself 6 months ago. It can be disorienting but it can also be liberation. What a gift to have the awareness that what once was working no longer feels good and to know what feels better…I know not everyone has that. 

 

So here I am at another turning point in my life. 

 

Oh – I didn't even tell you the most exciting thing coming up on the horizon. 

 

I am going on a silent retreat this month. 

 

9 days, 5 of them silent. I will be turning my phone off. I will be retreating from the distractions of this world and hopefully allow myself time to integrate all of the things I have taken in throughout the past year. 

 

It feels like a perfect cap to this season of study. Right before retreat, I will be completing a Buddhist course on the path to enlightenment as well as an advanced meditation teacher training on Tonglen.

 

Although my life feels slow right now, as I am reflecting and writing all of these updates for you, I see how much movement is actually happening. 

 

April will also be the month that I officially launch three new offerings (in a slightly unconventional way but more on that later) – if you're interested in being the first to hear about them feel free to sign up below.

 

Weekly Donation Based Meditation Classes via Zoom. Sign up here.

Self Love Club 5 Week Workshop Series. Sign up here.

3 Month 1:1 Mentorship. Sign up here.

 

I'm scared as hell for this new iteration of my life but I am also so excited. And proud. I'm proud of myself for continuing to allow my intuition to guide me. This is all part of living a fully embodied, vibrant life and I wouldn't trade it for the world.

 

Love you always and would love to hear your thoughts or what is circling in your life. Reply back to this email with any musings – I would love to hear about what's going on in your world.

What are you holding onto? This idea of what your life should look like or how you should act or the things you need to do in order to keep your ego satisfied. For what? What are you trying to prove? This March, I invite you to surrender – let yourself have the things your soul has been craving out for. You do not need to prove yourself to anyone. It's okay to start again from square one. It's okay to feel like you are going backwards. Sometimes you need a reset. Sometimes you need to be in a place or be with people that allow you not to think. What is the path of least resistance and what is holding you back from getting there? Life does not need to be forced. Sure, sometimes you need a little more effort and momentum but why are you doing things just because you think you should? Even if it was a desire at one, if it is not flowing effortlessly, then what is the point? If it is not a hell yes, it's a no. And if it's meant for you, it will be there for you. Open yourself up to the path of least resistance. Let go of this idea that you have to be a certain way or live a certain life. I'm telling this to you and to myself. Let go. Allow things to come to you. Follow the breadcrumbs towards the life that makes your soul exhale – a life that feels nourishing and sustainable and effortless. Stop trying so hard to prove yourself. Let things be simple for once.