Dear friend,
A few weeks ago I was puttering in the kitchen with Josh. We were talking about a desire percolating in my heart.
“I know myself. I can't commit to anything yet because once I do, I'll burn myself out." I fumbled with the coffee maker, grinding beans and pulling out the glass carafe as I talked to Josh over my shoulder.
“What are you thinking of committing to this time?”
“I want to host another local bible study. Like I did a few years ago - the Roundtable? Resurrect that, for the younger women in the city. Anyone who wants to come. But…” I paused. “I don't have time right now. And I don't know exactly what my goal is yet. I just know God has laid it on my heart to start something new. I just don't know HOW.”
Josh put his cup in the sink. “Probably wise not to do anything, then.”
“Right. Not my norm.” I chuckled. Over the years I've made a habit of coming up with good ideas and simply… starting them. Without much planning and sometimes without much prayer. Waiting to start something -- as opposed to the “figure it out as I go” model I'd dragged my husband through in the past – is a new step for me.
But after dealing with the consequences of overcommitment, big ideas with little planning, and unnecessary (avoidable) anxiety, I've made a point in the last few years to wait and pray. It's a stark difference from my modus operandi of running ahead of God.
When Eva was a baby and before I broke my leg in 2019 our small group ran a 5k together. It was a crispy early May Saturday - barely spring and about 45 degrees. We bundled the babies in our double stroller and showed up to the race. I'd been “training” for weeks (I hate to run) but as we took off down the trail, it only took a half mile for Josh to outpace me. By the time we hit mile two, he was running a 7:30 mile WITH the double stroller. I was left in his dust, finishing what felt like an hour after him.
It was all in good fun. He's disgustingly good at running. But when I think about my spiritual life (the only place I'm decently good at running, it seems) I can see myself in Josh's shoes and God in mine. **For the sake of analogy ONLY of course.
I grab my kids, my plans, my life and my good ideas and just take off. Book it down the trail. I've got goals to meet and deadlines to keep. In our 5k Josh was on the right route but so often, in my “race" of real life, I don't stop to ask the Lord if the route I'm running is the one He wants me on!
In the last year, as Every Woman a Theologian has grown, I've had to step back and slow down. I've had to do my due diligence to think: Is this actually what God is asking, or is this just what ministries “do”? Is this project the right commitment, or is this just expected of me as a Christian author? Is this issue one I should address, or is there someone better to address it? Is this desire I have to minister in a specific way the call of God or my desire to play Savior?
And if it IS a desire God has given me, He won't be offended or limited by my waiting for His leading. I'll actually be more in tune to His leading by waiting for Him to… I don't know… actually lead.
I began spending time in the last few weeks praying over this new Bible and theology training for my local community. Rather than pick the night, begin inviting, begin planning prodding processing and perusing, I've been praying and waiting for God to speak. It's an actual practice of self control, this waiting for God rather than running ahead of Him. But wildly (because He is full of surprises, and He speaks so personally!) those specific prayers have been specifically answered. Doors have been opening I never imagined. And my excitement builds even more because the slowness has led to a fuller picture of what He wants to do in my specific situation.
Perhaps you also run ahead of God. Maybe you have super great plans (like I think I do!) and the will to accomplish them. My first clue I'm outpacing God is an oppressive anxiety over the “good” thing I've committed to. When I sit down and look at my “yes”, I usually realize: I didn't pray about it. I just said yes because it blessed others, seemed like a God thing, and I was afraid what would happen if I said “no”. Sometimes I even believe I'm SO necessary God can't find someone else if I DID say no (yikes!!! ew gross!).
Let's stop outpacing God. Maybe wait a minute. Maybe let Him lead.
Christ will lead you. But we hear Him best when we wait, pray specifically, and listen diligently. Of course the primary way we hear Him is in His Word! He also speaks to our hearts through prayer but He does so most clearly when we've been in Scripture. If you want to know what God thinks, start there. Then pray. And don't just pray general prayers - pray specifically! 
