I have dreamt of this moment. It even feels as if I manifested it (even though I still don't believe in manifestation because if I did, I'd have a new husband, a full bank account and a lot of work….)

 

During this trip wrote in my notes app as I sat on the plane, sat in a taxi and laid in bed. Basically any short tiny moment I had to myself on a whirlwind 5 day trip I took a breather to write. 

 

3 and a half days of morning till night working and 2 days of travel. I basically had a long weekend in India. Even my client admitted she was exhausted and maybe packed everything in a little tight.

 

For today's letter I'm going to break it down into dated entries as I wrote them and then I'm going to dive deeper towards the end how I feel now back at ‘home’

 

‘I’m sat at my gate at Heathrow Airport, waiting to board a flight to Mumbai. It feels a little surreal but I’m flying to Mother India, and not for a jolly, but because someone decided to look at my work and want me enough to book me to photograph them working with some incredible studios. One, a none profit organisation called the Saheli women whom ensure the 100 women they employ are paid fair snd good wages by companies whom collaborate with them for beautiful textiles, clothing and more. A dream job. 1) to be working for a conscious small brand 2) working with women exclusively 3) flying to my ancestral home’

 

'Taylor swifts album is now blaring in my ears as the plane sits on the runaway about to take off. I’m struck by the strangeness of this all. Did I know this was where my life would lead me? I did dream of working abroad. Being that photographer who got to travel every so often.

 

Staring at the lit up runway, wow, is this the beginning of it all?

I’m struck with absolute awe. I’m grinning as this plane takes off looking out the window. Leaving the rain, heading to the land where the sun was born.

 Wow. Wow. Wow. This is actually happening. This is actually me.' 

 

Coming here has opened my eyes.

We are so insular, even when we think we’re thinking of others, it’s still all from our very narrow and personal viewpoint.

 

I am so privileged.

 

Today I met the first group of women working at the Kaliberry centre near Jodhpur under the wings of the Saheli women. This particular group/community and workspace was created around a year and a half ago, and has around 50 women working for it. They are all Pakistani Punjabi refugees. They were taught the artisan skills such as seeing, embroidery and block printing and then given jobs to help make the fabrics for mostly international sustainable brands. These women are given fair wages and jobs that they wouldn’t have otherwise, because they're refugees. 

 

I'm always going to remember this sweet moment between one of the women pointing to her white hair under her dupata (fabric over her head) and then pointing to mine. We couldn't speak to one another but I felt it. I felt that she could see herself in me

 

And I am DEEPLY humbled.

 

This wasn’t as easy to just feel as if you’re on the most amazing job. It had its complexities in understanding the country, the difference between rich and poor and my own connection to somewhere I expected to feel…. more. 

 

So yes, whilst working and photographing some of the most beautiful women I’ve had got to, was great but it didn’t feel like heaven. There was far more to it than glowing IG stories.

 

I saw the misogyny. I saw the racism. I saw the discrimination. I got tired quite quickly of the novelty of being abroad and saw that even when you’re working on something that has meaning, it’s not golden. It has its own flaws, prejudices and problems. It’s not as simple as, this is a great organisation and helping women… it equally services someone and they’re not perfect and all good.

 

India was wild. I thought I might feel more connected to but it still felt alien, even in its roots. Maybe because I wasn’t in the region of my ancestors, the only moment I had a flickering of connection was with the women from Pakistan.  These women were connected to my roots (my heritage is split between Punjab and Pakistan on my Mother's side). Their plight was something I know my ancestors must’ve felt. All because of colonisation and religious fanatics. 

It's Wednesday evening and I'm full of reflection. I'm writing to dig even deeper into it and explore exactly why I don't feel settled. 

 

I woke up today foggy. My head felt heavy and my nose blocked. I felt full of dust. Literally from India and theoretically from emotions.

I actually messaged my client about it all and she too felt left with unexplainable feelings. "India does that to you" she wrote. I should've rested but my adrenaline is still high so I worked and spoke and sat. 

 

I have visited India around 3 times before this trip. Always to Chennai in the South and always to saree shop with family. They were strictly timetabled trips, visiting family and shopping. I didn't get to let my feet sink into the place.  

 

This time I travelled with a deep intent to try and establish a connection. I think I was expecting to feel at home… to feel like I'd returned back to the land that would speak to something deep within me. Stir my Indian DNA. 

Maybe I expected hear my ancestors but I didn't. 

 

All I could see was a country functioning in its manic, dusty chaos but functioning in a way it never should have to. Colonisation has left literal scars and a corrupt government continues to choke its people. I knew this but somehow… I feel uncomfortable. I've seen the deep poverty before. I've known the children banging on the windows begging. I know it. I didn't expect differently.. I just… 

 

 

I was there to work on an incredible job, supporting a female led, small brand that uplifts women ensuring they're paid fairly and kept safe from NGOs and other female led businesses around the world… but I was just furious as to why this was needed in the first place. 

 

So many others would be able to travel, post about it, show off, talk about how insipred they were… in fact a big name from Instagram, Female photographer WAS in Mumbai and Jaipur at the same time. I saw her stories. The affluence. The paid expensive hotels. The male artisans she was visiting. The brand she was with. She also called Mumbai, Bombay. It's British Colonised name.

 

It made me feel queasy. 

 

Was I ignorantly doing the same. Was I glamourising my work? 

Was I monopolising off of my ancestral home? 

Who am I to photograph those women? Who am I to be here and expect anything?

I'd never listened to her podcast before but as I had a lot of travel time with flying to Mumbai, then Jodhpur and back, I chose to listen to a lot of the episodes. It made me think very internally about myself and also about the archetypes surrounding women.

 

This particular episode made me cry at the end as Shoreh spoke to the women of Iran. 

 

There's so much more to discuss but I'm going to finish this letter with my lasting feelings after my trip… currently. I expect this to grow and expand but right now…

 

 

I've come ‘home’ to the country that damaged India and Sri Lanka. 

Ripped it up, stole from it and buried a lot of the power and history. 

 

I couldn't speak to them in a mother tongue. They could tell I wasn't ‘one of them’

I seemingly looked like them, I wasn't dressed like them and definitely didn't speak like them. 

 

So where is home? 

 

So I'm on a path to find that. 

 

I will focus even MORE on uplifting and focusing all of my work to and for women. That felt true. Whether in the UK or India. I feel best when I'm speaking honestly, having painful conversations with the men around me and pushing the white women around me further too to promote women of diverse backgrounds. To think sustainably. To not just use black or brown models, to look at your teams, look at your PEOPLE. Are they all women? Are they all white? 

 

I will dedicate to keep ensuring my work serves women and in particular, women from backgrounds whom are discriminated against, pushed down and silenced. 

Black. Trans. Brown. 

 

 

Keep paying them. Keep supporting them. Keep them in your thoughts.

 

 

During one of the podcast episodes, Meghan read out a poem that I'd love to finish on here… read it below. 

 

 

as always

 

She sat at the back and they said she was shy,
She led from the front and they hated her pride,
They asked her advice and then questioned her guidance,
They branded her loud, then were shocked by her silence,
When she shared no ambition they said it was sad,
So she told them her dreams and they said she was mad,
They told her they’d listen, then covered their ears,
And gave her a hug while they laughed at her fears,
And she listened to all of it thinking she should,
Be the girl they told her to be best as she could,
But one day she asked what was best for herself,
Instead of trying to please everyone else,
So she walked to the forest and stood with the trees,
She heard the wind whisper and dance with the leaves,
She spoke to the willow, the elm and the pine,
And she told them what she’d been told time after time,
She told them she felt she was never enough,
She was either too little or far far too much,
Too loud or too quiet, too fierce or too weak,
Too wise or too foolish, too bold or too meek,
Then she found a small clearing surrounded by firs
,And she stopped…and she heard what the trees said to her,
And she sat there for hours not wanting to leave,
For the forest said nothing, it just let her breathe`