Dear First name / friend

 

If you're not a perfectionist, you can probably stop reading now: I salute you. Being a perfectionist is often a throwaway comment; the stereotyped answer to the interview question “What's your biggest weakness?” But being a perfectionist, I have recently come to learn, is not a simple, throwaway characteristic. It is often deeply rooted in feelings of inadequacy - “not enough-ness” - and low self-esteem; believing that only by always doing and being the best are we worthy of love, attention and care. 

 

Perfectionism takes many forms and shows up in all aspects of life: work, home, relationships, intimacy, appearance. Perfectionist tendencies can drive feelings of low mood, anxiety and low self-esteem as, of course, perfection doesn't exist so we always fall short. Here I'll touch on how perfectionism might show up in your home or surrounding space.

 

I've been on a big decluttering hype recently, partly inspired by one of my favourite shows (Sort Your Life Out on BBC) but also in part likely a reflection of my desire for order. I think it's natural when things feel unsettled or chaotic internally, we try to make sense of things externally. You may find yourself more drawn to keeping things in order when you feel stressed or anxious. 

 

I think it can be incredibly soothing to look around your space and feel calmed by a minimalist aesthetic, but recently I've been thinking about how we can find a balance between the joy of order and making sure we don't take a perfectionist approach to the way we keep our space. I think when we attach too much to a 10/10 approach to our aesthetic, we are at risk of only feeling good about ourselves when we reach this 10/10. The time between things needing to be cleaned, tidied away or washed up is small, right?! So if we only achieve our peak “happiness” in those times, we risk feeling inadequate and dissatisfied most of the time. 

 

As humans, I think we like order. We all love a clean house and the feeling of being on top of everything. However, if we attach our deeper sense of worth

 to these things, we can fall into trouble. If you're not a perfectionist, maybe you are able to feel pretty unphased by unfinished to-do lists, washing up in the sink and clothes to put away. I think that equanimity is something to aim for: your self-worth is not attached to your ability to keep a tidy home. 

 

Mindful moment: Can you feel as good about an 8/10 aesthetic as you do a 10/10 “perfect” one? Are you able to recognise your self-worth as independent of your ability to keep up with household chores and to-do lists? This may not affect you at all, in which case I admire your self-esteem and ability to remain unattached from external validation as a source of your self-worth- keep doing what you're doing! If it is something you struggle with, can you begin to feel comfortable with only doing an 8/10 job in things like keeping up with housework and email inboxes? We want to avoid feeding into any perfectionist tendencies that tell us we're only as good as we are able to achieve 10/10 and we can do this by challenging these thoughts and taking small steps to change our associated behaviour. 

 

If you're prone to perfectionism, start to notice if it's also something you apply to your exercise. Are you comparing yourself to others in the spin class? Do you find it difficult not to look around you in yoga and judge yourself negatively for not being “the best” at a particular pose? Does your perfectionism prevent you from participating in things you know you're not as good at? 

 

Mindful movement: It can be a humbling lesson to learn to let go of perfectionism in sport. All change starts with awareness, so just begin to notice if you're often wondering what others around you are doing and gently come back to yourself.  

 

A helpful approach I recently heard on a Deliciously Ella podcast was to see if you can "replace expectation with appreciation". When we have high expectations of ourselves, others and situations, they often fall short and leave us feeling disappointed or judging ourselves negatively.

 

Mindful moment: Replace that expectation with appreciation: notice what you can do; the good qualities in others; the opportunities to be grateful. I think it's a small but very helpful tool that I hope you might find useful.