Hi friends,
Do you know what a rainbow baby is?
I did not, but in 2012, my friend Hanin told me that a rainbow baby is your first baby after a miscarriage.
My daughter’s name is Iris which means the Greek Goddess of Rainbow. Due to their multicolors, the Iris of the eye and the famous flower Iris were named so.
Yes, In 2012, I had a missed miscarriage in my first pregnancy, which means I did not know about it until I visited the doctor because there were no physical symptoms. It was a short-lived pregnancy; I did not hear the baby’s heartbeat once because my second visit was four weeks after my first check visit. Nevertheless, it was so painful to live those four weeks in joyful anticipation and later hear the heartbreaking news that the fetus was not strong enough to grow. It was so commo, I was told. There was nothing wrong I did, the doctor said.
I remember the emptiness, the grief, and the anger I felt about that miscarriage. Why did nobody talk about that excruciating pain? Why were not there support communities to openly share about this experience? Why was it so common yet never spoken of?
Yes, I experienced the blessing of two healthy pregnancies after that painful event, and I am forever grateful for that. Some women only experienced miscarriages over and over with no successful pregnancy throughout. Some women were full term, but their babies did not survive after. I am deeply sorry if you are one of these women or have someone close to you who is.
I learned not to talk about wounds when they are still wide open, and mine is because that was the story of my first miscarriage. My second miscarriage happened last week, at 13 weeks of pregnancy.
But I learned to share if I ever decide to after I process what happened in my journal and through conversations with the people closest to my heart. I have been journaling every single day and did not stop once. I am finding it hard to talk about, so I am not at the moment. I am on much-needed sick leave and getting better, and we are planning a family trip next week to get our minds off things.
I am sending this email today to tell you if you ever had a miscarriage or are suffering from infertility problems that, you are not alone. There is nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to hide, and you don’t have to pretend. I know we have a long way to go until such issues are discussed in the open in our community, but please know you are not alone. Seek help, seek a community, or create one to talk about the pain, to grieve your loss no matter when it happened during your pregnancy. To share your unique story of a shared human experience that many women silently live.
I feel you, sister. I am sorry you had to go through so much joy and then so much pain in a few weeks.
Trust God and have faith that God’s timing and wisdom are better than ours.
Give yourself time to recover physically and emotionally.
Take your time.
I will take mine.
