Dear First name / friend
I restarted my anti-depressants a few weeks ago. Having been on them for the whole of my twenties, I had finally felt last year like I was in a good place where I no longer needed them. I reduced slowly, over several months (although I sped up the end because I was excited not to be on them anymore), and stopped them altogether in early December. Looking back, the ensuing few months were incredibly difficult. Reluctantly, I went back on them at a low dose about a month ago on the advice of my GP.
I've been in a similar position with my own patients before: is this withdrawal or relapse? Ultimately, I'm not sure it matters. I think it is incredibly difficult to stop taking anti-depressants and I suspect it is somewhat proportional to the length of time you've been on them.
I'm not suddenly feeling better, being back on them, but things certainly feel more manageable. I often find myself thinking that the years I was on the higher dose were my best and happiest years. I don't think this is the most helpful narrative to hold, because I'm reinforcing to myself that the medication is something I “need” to feel good.
I've been thinking recently: should I go onto the higher dose? I've decided, for now, not to and I was pleasantly surprised to hear that my counsellor agreed. On the one hand, I think I would feel much better on the higher dose and when things are difficult, it feels hard to resist the pull of that. On the other hand, however, I'm choosing to sit in the discomfort.
Part of the reluctance in going back on medication was this feeling that I had made no progress; that these months of struggle were all for nothing- like the spider who climbs up the drainpipe just to be washed out again, wondering what all that effort was for.
I don't like subscribing to the idea that taking anti-depressants is a form of suppression, but in many ways I think it is. So, as best I can, I want to deal with what is coming up. On the higher dose, problems just seem to vanish; I start to wonder what all those things were that I was so worried about. By sitting in a manageable sit of discomfort, I hope I can start to tackle recurrent problems, rather than suppress them. Then, I think, I'm growing and learning and giving myself a better chance to come off them in the future.
I imagine a good proportion of people reading this will also be on some sort of anti-depressant. I want to share with you something my colleague told me recently which really helped me. He told me that in an ideal world he wouldn't drink coffee every day, but with a young child waking him up multiple times in the night and a busy job to contend with, not drinking coffee just doesn't make sense right now. Ultimately, we often need to change our environment, and sometimes we need to accept that that's not always possible to do. So, maybe you need the tablets right now, but that doesn't mean you always will.
Mindful moment: Growing up in a classical music household, the only non-classical CD we had was one by The Beatles. Let it be. These are the best three little words for me right now, ever reminiscent of The Beatles, but also totally embodying acceptance, surrender and calm. Maybe we just need to stop pushing and fighting and just let it be. What are you resisting, or wishing it would be some other way? Are you able to surrender to what is and just let it be? Only then will it pass on by. Let it be, just as it is, just for now.
