Hi, I hope you had a good week. I've been writing something about birthdays, age, and celebrating but I felt stuck. So I did what I do whenever I'm at a roadblock: I made a list.
I’m excellent at lists, so skilled, in fact, that I spend more time listing tasks in multiple places than on chipping away at any one of them. Through trial and error I've noticed it is more productive for me to start any one item on the list, rather than contemplating what I should do when. The momentum from a bit of productivity will get me farther than attempting to prioritize.
My mind hates this—it thinks I will forget things if I don’t write them down—but the truth is that doesn’t matter. I will be reminded externally of the important tasks and the unimportant ones I may forget, but that’s for the best because they were distractions. I’m trying to spend more time completing some of the things I need to do and less time listing all the things I want to do.
But trading constant listing for more doing brings a wee bit of grief. Lists are addictive because they are full of promise. A list, even of mundane tasks, leads to feeling the anticipation of completion. Like the promise of a new diet that starts tomorrow, list making creates an alluring future when everything is completed and I can relax. And since that future only comes about once every three years, my present often feels stressed.
Nada has a line in the story “Giving Up” from her book
Bad Thoughts where the character says,
“I preferred being on the verge of something which was my problem with everything, I never arrived.”
If I want to get anywhere, I need to change my ratio between listing and doing and between ideas and execution.
Nevertheless, I will always love a good list. There are several famous ones from people like Woody Guthie’s
New Year’s Rulin’s or Sister Corita Kent’s
Art Department Rules I return to often (more on that next week) and in my consideration of great lists, I revisited a list I made at the end of 2019 of 19 lessons I learned that year.
That was the most difficult year I’ve had to date. The three since haven't been a cake walk, but comparatively they’ve had an ease to them. The intensity of that year meant it was concentrated with hard-learned lessons, many of which I’ve since forgotten. Revisiting this made me realize that in some ways I was further along at 28 when I wrote this than I am now at (freshly) 33, which feels frustrating. But growth isn’t always linear, it is often six steps forward, five back.
I found this list of specific reminders from my past self useful and I hope it is to you as well, but above all, I hope it inspires you to contemplate your own list of learnings. It’s a good exercise to do on your birthday or on the full moon or a random Tuesday, whenever you feel like you have the capacity to catalog bits of self-awareness and wisdom you’ve acquired.
I just turned 33 so I took the 19 from ‘19 and added 14 new ones I’ve learned in the wild years since… so in no particular order, here's a list of 19 things I learned in 2019 as well as 14 things I learned between 2020 and now.
1. people will surprise you. they will also disappoint you. don’t attach too much to either. ⠀
2. you are a romantic, idealist & extremist, work on moving toward the middle. ⠀
3. overthinking is a distraction from intimacy.
4. you crave intimacy & fear it in equal measure.
5. you want to be seen in your own controlled way. when people see you without you controlling it, it’s scary but that’s where you connect deeply.
6. not everyone shows love like you do, it doesn’t mean you aren’t loved.
7. so much of life is timing and time will make that less heartbreaking.
8. you can be alone & be okay. you can feel lonely & not die. but you have to be your own anchor.
9. you can feel multiple emotions at the same time.
10. work will always be here, people might not. prioritize accordingly.
11. sometimes you can’t just fix things with a text or an “i’m sorry”; you have to sit in discomfort with patience. ⠀
12. you may have to learn lessons multiple times, it’s frustrating but learning isn’t linear.
13. don’t make it all so heavy. notice the weird humor in all of this.
14. over scheduling prevents serendipities. (you love those!)
15. eat enough food for everyone’s sake. nobody cares how your clothes fit except you & nobody likes when you’re shaky & anxious. let your body get bigger so your life can too.
16. [related] connect with people over good food. we have so few sensory pleasures—to deny one is a bummer.
17. control is a joke.
18. it doesn’t matter if you exercise or meditate—try to, but don’t ruin a day if you don’t. it’s meant to be stress relieving not inducing.
19. keep being flexible, but don’t abandon your plans too often or you’ll end up bitter.
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20. rejection > not trying but after rejection let go asap. what you hold on to hurts you.
21. ignoring problems doesn’t fix them, it just moves them. “what you run from will chase you.” -danielle laporte
22. help people without expectation. error on the side of over-giving… rather that than having an opportunity to give an withholding
23. sleeeeeeep more. ⠀zzzzzzzz…ZZZzzzzzz
24. this is it, there is not a practice round. no one is coming to save you…no one cares if you make your art, but if you care you have to do it, take action & make progress or it will kill you.
25. just start —“whenever i get lost, when i’m not sure what to do, the answer to me usually is to just work a little harder & see where it kicks in.” -ethan hawke
26. when you feel overwhelmed stop taking in more advice or inspiration & integrate what you have.
27. everything is everything. how you show up in one zone is how you do in all.
28. manage your energy, not your time: time can’t be created or destroyed but energy can, manage your energy as much as you can.
29. people will not like you—that’s not in your control, but remaining in integrity & aligned to your values is.
30. friendships take time, can’t force them or rush them. good relationships build slowly. let them.
31. trying to be cool is holding you back. you are warm. go towards warmth… & those who you perceive as cool have figured out how to manage their nervous systems… manage yours instead of attempting to be mysterious.
32. beauty is focus. notice when you are distracted and why.
33. “don't feel better, get better at feeling.” - a man I met in Bali
extra credit:
34. you can’t use someone else's career trajectory as a formula to make yours, you’re going to have to get quiet, meditate a lot & figure out what yours will be—there’s no template.
35. do more than you list
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Thanks for reading this earnest list. It is a specific version of something you'd gaze at with your mouth open on the ceiling of a dentists office. You may recognize some of these as themes of newsletters you've read here over the years. The extra two are in that category because I'm still processing them and may write more about each as I do.
I hope these remind you of all you've learned. And if you make your own list, feel free to share it with me in a reply.
Below are two interviews… both with important people in my life that I've each known for over a decade now and I actually met them both the same day in NYC in 2013.
Let me know if you listened.
Your friend,
Katie
p.s. I have one creative advising slot open this month… if you want it or want to know more about what it is email me or info is here.
Or book a call here to talk about it.
a blog-post-esque post with a timeline // my timeline of wellness in honor of the episode with Christy. + some clips from her here. 
