Hi Friends,
This topic has been on my mind for while… so let's get into it.
Thanksgiving morning 2019, my husband and I found out I was pregnant. We had been trying for a while and we couldn't believe it was finally our turn to become parents. We were ECSTATIC!
Overall, I had a relatively great pregnancy even though I had morning sickness all day during my first trimester (mostly nausea and headaches) and carpal tunnel in my 3rd.
I was working full time, taught yoga and was knee deep in planning two Girls Yoga Days AND an international ARY Retreat when March 2020 came along and life as we knew it changed drastically and quickly.
Suddenly fun outings became scarce and all ARY Retreats events came to a screeching halt.
With the new life we all had to live, I remained physically active and kept teaching online a few days a week. I didn't mind the extra time at home and slowing down especially since I was getting closer and closer to giving birth.
I never knew or imagined how different life would be post baby. No one can prepare for it.. especially because everyone has their own unique experience.
July 29th (my due date) rolled around and no signs of baby. I saw my doctor the next day to make sure baby and I were ok. PS the amount of care you receive from everywhere DURING pregnancy is awesome. Family, friends, strangers, doctors.. everyone seems to care how you're doing. After baby? well.. I'm getting there.
July 30th 8am I went to see my doctor and to my surprise, I was told to go IMMEDIATELY to the hospital for an emergency C SECTION. I had very little fluid in my amniotic sac AND my baby was breech (in the reverse birthing position). Since I was alone AND it was my first time being pregnant, I was in complete shock and immediately panicked and started to cry. I was given no other explanation or option other than GO NOW. When my husband picked me up (reminder this is during pandemic so no one was allowed to enter the building that was not a patient) I was bawling. Obviously he freaked out and asked if everything was ok. I told him what happened and he told me that instead of rushing to the hospital perhaps we go home grab our things and wait until I felt calm and ready. A few hours passed and off I went to triage.
I was alone for HOURS at triage. They didn't rush to do anything because in reality baby and I were stable (literally zero signs of labor). It wasn't until around 9:30pm when a team of nurses suddenly rushed in to undress me, scrub me down and asked if I had any belongings. It was quite traumatic. Again nothing was really said to me. Things just happened. .. alone.
For me, when I freak out I freeze. I don't speak.. I don't react. I didn't know what to do. The next thing I knew I was in a freezing cold operating room getting anesthesia and getting ready for an invasive surgery I didn't want. It was only SECONDS before I was cut open that my husband walked in. I immediately felt a sense of peace and calm. What felt like 10 minutes and a bit of chaos, our beautiful baby girl was born. Time stopped.
The rest of the night was a blur. The next day my doctor came up to see how we were doing and let me know that because HOW Camila was in my belly (her leg was around her head), they had to cut me more than the standard procedure. Which meant.. I could never have a vaginal birth ever. Again.. I was frozen. I didn't know what to say, do, or feel. My focus trying to figure out how to take care of a tiny, perfect human.
Fast forward to coming home… sheesh. What a reality check. If it wasn't for my husband, not sure where I would be mentally. He took over most duties because I was terrified. Breastfeeding DID NOT come easy. It took me about two weeks to figure it out. I was still in pain from my surgery. I was not sleeping. If I wasn't breast feeding, I was pumping. If you had a baby you're probably thinking.. yea so what, me too. BUT wait a minute.. WHY DOES NO ONE TALK ABOUT HOW HARD IT IS TO BE A PARENT? Especially a first time parent?!
I was really shocked and disappointed how poorly our medical system is to postpartum moms. We don't really get much follow up after the baby is born. I didn't get A SINGLE check up after my surgery. NOT ONE. WTF? I know it was pandemic.. but still?! Even more of a reason to check up on a new mom.
Any way… months went by and my husband and I decided to move to a different state. Camila was 4 months old when we packed up our little house and made our way to our new home state. Even though the move felt right (and definitely was the right thing for us to do), I didn't realize how much of newness I was going through and how much I didn't allow myself to process.
I remember about a week before leaving to ARY Retreat Zihuatanejo in 2021, I had an anxiety attack. I couldn't breath and couldn't stop crying. I felt like the whole world was judging me. It felt too much. It was hard for me to connect to other moms in my new town and felt so anxious whenever I would drive alone with my daughter. You know the worst thing of it all? I DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT I WAS FEELING.
It wasn't until after my postpartum anxiety went away that I even knew I had it or what it was.
It took about a year or so after I had my baby to come back to state of normalcy (and even that wasn't optimal.. remember my last newsletter regarding my health?)
My message to you whether you've had, are having or perhaps know of someone who is having a baby or had..is to be kind. Ask how they are REALLY doing. or perhaps just tell them you love them. Maybe don't come over (can be VERY anxiety producing) unless they want you to.. order them food instead. Shoot them a loving text..but don't expect a response. Don't call or FaceTime them unless they say it's ok (can also be very overwhelming). If you're a mom, share your hardship stories with new moms..trust me it helps. I remember feeling so judged when I didn't know many “obvious” things about babies or motherhood.
Remember that you are not alone. You are loved. Take time to do something for you. Even if it's a 10 minute walk (bring that stroller if you need to bring baby with you). Drink water. Listen to a fun a audiobook or podcast. LAUGH. You know that saying “it takes village to raise a child"? It's a saying because it's true. Don't think you're in it alone. Ask for help. IT IS OK.
What you're feeling is normal BUT tell your doctor or practitioner what you are feeling. Sometimes meds can help.
If you've been through PPA (postpartum anxiety), work in the field or know any helpful tips..I would love to know! please respond directly to this email. I would love to provide resources to parents who are in need of it!
Also, regarding my birth story..even though I know Camila's birth was supposed to happen how it did and when it did, I really wish I had more resources and knowledge of my options or risks of waiting my situation out. Doctors are human and humans sometimes make mistakes. I trust them, but you should trust you more.
One of my good friends is a Labor + Delivery nurse and she told me that whenever you're in doubt or have ANY questions SPEAK UP. No question or concern is far fetched or stupid. You know your body best. She also mentioned to talk to your nurses about your options. Remember that you have rights.. if you don't agree with something the medical staff is suggesting you can say no.
I know Mother's Day can be a touchy subject for some, but I want to extend my love to all the mamas (and the stand-in mamas) out there. You are loved, you are powerful and YOU MATTER.
xo.
