July 20, 2023 | issue 147

What's Inside This Week:

Grief - It's Not Fun

Over the last few weeks, I have felt many intense emotions and I am just tired. I have tried to write this several times. I feel stuck. I feel frozen. I feel inadequate. I am tired. Actually, I am exhausted. Grieving the loss of a loved one is exhausting. We all grieve in different ways and there is a lot to learn about ourselves as we process our loss.

 

Let me share my recent experience with my dear friend, Jon. Jon and I were in high school when we met and starting dating. We planned to be married but twists and turns in life took us down alternate paths. Jon moved to California, and we grew apart from the distance and our youth. We shared a deep bond, however, and through the years and the life changes, we managed to keep in touch. We may not have been destined to be together but we were certainly not meant to be apart. Through all the ups and downs of life, Jon was always there…just a call or a text away. We would go many years without contact and then pick up like no time had passed…it was that kind of relationship. Jon moved back to Michigan about 5 years ago to care for his elderly mom. It was hard for him, and he was committed to being there for her. He cared for her and ignored what was happening in his own body. In April, he could no longer ignore the jaundice and the pain. Pancreatic cancer was the diagnosis…one that nobody wants to receive. 

 

In the beginning, it felt like there was hope to slow it down or to even eradicate it…that hope disappeared pretty quickly as the pain and then the nausea took its toll. After many doctor and ER visits, it became apparent that the cancer had spread quickly, and hope diminished in a blink. Hospice was called in to help with the horrific symptoms that left Jon wanting to die. His family dropped everything and came to his side. I cannot begin to express how grateful I am to them…not only for being there for Jon but for allowing me to be there throughout his journey. Jon’s time in this world ended on June 25 at 10:15pm with me holding his hand and his family at his bedside. This occurred with great sadness and with relief that his suffering had ended. I had little idea at the time just how painful his death would be for me.

 

Grief comes in waves. Some days I feel like I am doing well and then others…not so much. I’ve noticed that my alone time is the hardest time for me. That may be true for most people, I am guessing. When I am alone with my thoughts, I grieve the past, the present and the future without Jon in my life. I look back on our lives and how they unfolded in different ways. I look back on how we always came together as though no distance had been between us. I consider the last few months and how this cancer diagnosis played out. We began what I called, “The Save Jon’s Ass Project” immediately after the news was given. We looked at all the holistic approaches that had been successful for so many cancer survivors. This gave us hope, albeit short-lived. Jon’s pain and stomach upset were an obstacle to taking in the juice and supplements that were recommended. He tried. He wanted to do it all. But he became exhausted quickly and starved for good sleep. It got the best of him. He didn’t want to die but living was increasingly difficult due to pain and inability to eat or drink. A few days before he died, he had a day of moderate delirium. He spoke of Angels in Paradise and said out loud more than once, “I’m fading fast”. We played music for him and prayed over him. Pat, his brother, played guitar. It was profoundly beautiful and heart wrenching at the same time. Gratitude accompanies my grief. When I am grieving the future without Jon in it, I am grateful for the years we had together. I am deeply grateful for the bond that could not be broken, even with death.

 

I’ve noticed that grief triggers are everywhere. Mostly I notice this when I’m driving in the car and a song comes on…maybe it is one that Jon played on his guitar or one from our high school years or simply one that has nothing to do with us. Music can be healing even as it triggers a sudden rush of emotion. It reminds me of the good times and, again, I notice how grateful I am. I am a different person now without Jon. For now, I am a sad person. I know I will not be sad forever. I know that I will not get over the loss of my dear friend. I will get used to being on this planet without him. It will take some time and probably a lot more tears. But I will get there. Thank you for reading my story about Jon. Thank you for being patient with me as I grieve. Writing this was harder than I would have imagined. But like almost everything in life, starting was the hardest part. Once I started, the words came.

 

Grief expresses itself differently for all of us. There is no right way or wrong way…only YOUR way. Comparing ourselves to others is of no use. If you are grieving, give yourself the space to cry or to not cry, to laugh and to remember and be patient with yourself. Try to smile and be grateful. Life is short. Love your people hard. Know that when you love hard, you grieve hard. Our time on this Earth is a gift. 

Write Your Story Now

Years ago I was asked to write my obituary. It was an exercise meant to shift the negativity I was feeling at the time around my life choices. I found this to be cathartic and empowering. I ended up basically writing a short story that could easily be expanded into a book…ha! 

The benefits of writing your own story are many. One of the things that always comes up when someone dies are the questions you wished you'd asked. Your story can fill in the blanks for those left behind and it can help them get to know parts of you that they were unaware of. There is never enough time to ask the questions…often we don't even know what the questions are until it's too late. Your story can be your legacy. Your story might include childhood memories, where you came from and what your dreams are. Your story can be a way of preserving family history. In our fast-paced world, we often do not get to know about the family that came before us. Once we are gone, it's too late to ask. Writing some of the details in your story is a way of passing along family history. 

Writing your story can be an exercise for mental health. It can serve as a way to accept our imperfect selves and realize that we have held interesting lives! Writing our stories can be a way of processing trauma. Sometimes getting it out on paper releases some of the power our past traumas hold over us. This may be something you want to share…maybe not. You get to decide what you include for all to read. Some parts you may want to delve in deep, others may skim the surface. 

Writing our story may be a way of uncovering the meaning of our lives. It may help us to understand our own journey better. It may allow us to let go of some of the chaos that may have occurred along the way. As I focus on healing, I know that telling my story, even if it's just to myself at this point, is a process that leads to feeling better…about myself, about my life, about where I have come from and what I have come through. 

You may find this exercise helpful, as well. Consider taking out your laptop or your journal to start with your own obituary. Expand on this to create your story. Who knows, it could be a best seller someday. 

Sounds intriguing, doesn't it? What is Forest Bathing? Shinrin-yoku originated in Japan, and it means to go be in nature. Forest bathing is the intentional being in nature with open senses to absorb all the amaziness of our Earth. Studies find that forests promote lower concentrations of cortisol (our stress hormone), lower pulse rate, lower blood pressure, and reduced levels of hostility and depression. Who doesn't need this?

 

Mindfully walking through the woods and taking it all in; the sounds, the smells, the textures of the trees, leaves and dirt; is believed to boost our mental and physical well-being. This may be more important now than ever. With the coronavirus limitations, many of us are staying inside more. Being outside, even if it's just in your own backyard can be soothing to the mind. When the weather allows, taking off your shoes and feeling the Earth under your feet grounds us in a way that can alleviate stress and anxiety. If you are unable to get out of the house for any extended periods, consider placing your workspace near a window so you can see the beauty of the outdoors all day long. Take those minutes throughout the day to look at the leaves on the trees waving gently in the breeze, or the way the sun moves throughout your work day and creates shadows in different forms. Gift yourself a few minutes between virtual meetings and go outside and breathe deeply. Absorb as much nature as you can even if it's just a short break. At the end of the day, after your dinner, consider a walk around the neighborhood or a nearby park. Being outside can fill your soul with peace and lead to better health.

Recipe of the Week

Makes ~6 cups 

 

 

6 cups shredded red and/or green cabbage

1 cup chopped fresh or canned  juice-packed pineapple

½ cup shredded carrot

½ of a 12 oz pkg of light silken tofu

2 tablespoons lemon juice

1 teaspoon pure cane sugar

1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper

⅓ to ½ cup pineapple juice

Fresh parsley to garnish, optional

 

Tip: Coleslaw can be made ahead, covered, and chilled for up to 24 hours. 

Recipe  from Forks Over Knives

https://www.facebook.com/healthcoachteri

Catch my Health Tip Tuesday video on Facebook on Tuesdays to hear my health tip for the week! I am working on the courage to get back to doing my FB live. Stay tuned. 

Share with your friends and family. Sharing and commenting along with liking or loving increases the exposure so more people can become aware of the value of healthful living.

My Favorite Quotes

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.”

-Winnie the Pooh

hen Basics tea