Jeremy and got engaged on May 6th. We found out we were pregnant on May 20th. Shock - pure shock and fear for the first week of knowing. Then I allowed the excitement and pure joy to take over. Information. So much information was needed to be absorbed. What my body needed, what I now needed. How was I different. What was to come? Pregnancy is not for the weak I kept thinking. My body changed so quickly. What felt like overnight my breasts were huge and sore. I’m convinced one can feel the relaxin viscerally spread around my groin and upper legs. Emotionally I cried. I cried with so much gratitude. Something I never knew I wanted was coming and I was going to get to have it for the rest of my life. Another imagination was growing inside of me. I was going to tap into it somehow and birth a new creative series unknown what form it would take or when I would actually step foot in my newly cleaned and organized studio. Something BIG was going to Be and becoming. I cried with fear too. Pushing 8lbs out of my vagina made me fearful. It’s a scary thought alone - but when for the first time you are faced with its’ reality - you know there’s something inside of you that must come out - well I cried. I cried with the possibility that this could be taken from me and I also cried with the reality of this new life outside laying next to me. I cried for the love I felt for Jeremy. I cried with happiness and I cried with love.

10 weeks went by. 10 weeks I felt so special. 10 weeks I felt so different and filled with the hope of a brand new life. 10 weeks I felt like I was allowed to start feeling like a mother in my own right. And then I bled. I wiped and saw blood. A little at first. I knew something was wrong. I saw a deer in the woods right afterwards. A beautiful doe. Taking the spirit with it and disappearing into the woods. We drove to the hospital in the rain. Tests and blood were drawn. Details followed. And they told me what was coming next. We went home and as I got into bed, I feared the pain I imagined was on its way. If you’ve ever had a miscarriage, you know - you know the horror show that follows. An image of wiping fetus or embryo that will never leave the picture book of my mind. Forever it’s there. A flash and an experience of something that I wouldn’t wish on my very worse enemy. And then a grief that feels unknown, because it’s not someone you knew or had time to experience fully with like a parent or friend. Everyone tells me they are sorry. But the hardest part for me has been the anger with that condolence. You see, I am more sorry than anyone - and although it's appreciated and I know it's coming from the good place, believe me when I say that I am sorry enough.  

I started painting again last week. I finally got into my newly cleaned and organized studio. I needed to get my hands into something - a meditative state maybe, a stream of feelings expressed through my hands that otherwise have no place to live or go. Any place other than the sorry I feel for myself and the toilet where I am still bleeding. How long will that last?

 

White and black are my colors at the moment. It feels good to paint with black. Its a darkness I can’t express any way else. Cliche I think and totally lame - but it feels right. And the blending of the white gives some sense of hope. The grey is the in-between. I’m in a state of limbo of what I will do next. Another state of my body, again more waiting but this time waiting to reset myself. 

 

New and different dreams have been born from this loss. Hindsights and perspective they" say will present themselves in time. Are beginning to show up, slowly. I discovered I no longer really want to stay in LA. LA is where I was born and it feels too comfortable and familiar to me now. I want to experience a different way of living and life. I want to be closer to my family in NY. I want to live in nature or as close to it as possible - I want out of this this traffic and I want out of the rat race. I want to make a living selling my artwork. I want to have a studio in the woods. And I want to create my family with Jeremy. I also want to share my experiences with the world. I want to understand myself fully and help others to fully understand themselves.

I was waiting for the energy they" say you get at the 2nd trimester to give birth to something new - some new creative series I hoped release. I didn't expect - 1. to miscarry and 2. that this loss would ignite a new fire under my ass to truly get myself aligned with the life I want to live. To create daily in my studio without interruption, to live a creative life and create a routine that involves sharing parts of my self that allow me to be seen. Finally, to have my voice be heard - even if it is just heard by me. Expose myself in a way that allows me to heal the shame and guilt I live with. This update / newsletter is one step in that direction for me.

Everyday that goes by I feel a little better. A little lighter. The days are getting so much hotter. I have a little renewed sense of drive with this idea of going all in on my art. Going all in - I’m coming to understand (with the help of my truly gifted therapist) is living my life with purpose and clear intent. And part of my purpose in this life is to courageously expose and explore my vulnerabilities. Heavy with meaning and history. More on that sprinkled along the way in hopefully more newsletters to come. 

 

I made this painting yesterday that I’m quite proud of. I love it actually. I feel its energy emanating outside its' borders. It also reminds me of the work I first started making when I discovered cement and the melalueca tree in 2014. It has me excited to make again and I was explaining to my best friend yesterday how I think this loss has brought me back down to the Earth from being in outer space - no desire for spray paints or moons right now. Losing a fetus/embryo/cluster of cells/energy/little light/life (however you want to engage with it) from inside of you is a very humbling experience. So I'm humbly back on the ground and back to the basics of what I used to create. Abstract ground(ed) works that may look and be like nothing to anyone - but to me, they're almost trees again, and they radiate with energy. 

 

I started reading BIG MAGIC by Elizabeth Gilbert. Highly recommend for any self doubting creative. The book is definitely boosting my courage to continue with this crazy idea of confessing/sharing my life with anyone interested in reading it. It’s an idea that is old. And it's an urge I’ve always had. And maybe - just maybe - Like Gilbert says in the book, there’s jewels hidden inside dying to be revealed. That's not how she puts it exactly but its a gist - and you should read it. She goes on to list a list of fears that one might feel or think to stop them from following through with their ideas or expressing themselves creatively. Of the 27 fears listed,  I related with 20 of them. And especially one in particular - the most ridiculous one I am so embarrassed to admit - that when I read it I pulled the book away, rolled my eyes and thought "HOW DID SHE KNOW. You’re afraid your too fat it reads. To my knowledge and false beliefs (female) artists are skinny and gorgeous and sexy and provocative. In my mind if you’re an over weight (female) artist - your talent must be off the charts to be seen and regarded as worthy. How shallow am I then? The roots of my self-shaming image run deeper than I realize. Anyway reading this made me kind of instantly fall in love with the book. Such a silly and pathetic fear to have but she was brave and honest enough to list it. And it made me feel comforted and seen enough to realize I wasn’t insane for having believed it.

Another book I’m super excited to dive into is RIPE - Sarah Rose Etter. I met the author, Sarah Rose Etter in March at The Other Art Fair when she became the very first buyer of one of my moon rocks. I loved her. And the energy she brought towards me. She told me she was a writer (which I have an affinity towards) and when I told her I had used actual pomegranates to create some of the craters in my moon pieces she nearly shrieked and was sold on having one. She went onto explain how the cover of her newest book was all about pomegranates. A little example of some Big Magic. Especially noticed when my amazon package arrived yesterday contains her book together with Ms. Elizabeth Gilberts.

Thank you for reading me 

💘