Hello First name / friend,

 

Last week, I had what felt like a mini epiphany. I was talking to my therapist about the non-negotiables I had begun to build into my routine, especially those revolving around my physical therapy. I told her that I wanted to tae care of my body because of all it had done for me over the years. We then went on to discuss some other things I could add to that non-negotiable list. I wanted to add in the items I felt were most important to the core of me but often fall to the wayside in the name of getting more done. Things such as slow cooking and savoring our meals, sleeping 8+ hours a night, and keeping a semi-orderly home (this last one is more for my anxiety. A messy house makes me feel on edge and scattered.)

 

I was going to write a whole essay about how amazing it felt after those first few days I had managed to actively practice my new routine with my non-negotiables. I distinctly remember thinking about how excited I was by the fact that I hadn't lost any time during my days by adding in these extras into my routine. In fact, I felt as if I had actually gained some time back. My brain felt at ease because it knew the general outline for the day and, in that, I gained more energy to actually roll through those non-negotiables on my way to my freely scheduled “play/ work time”. 

 

I was going to say all of this, to write it all down as eloquently as I possibly could, but then this week rolled around.

 

For whatever reason, I allowed my anxiety to get the better of me. I started rushing through my non-negotiables instead of savoring the ease they had lent me the week prior. In doing so, I actually wound up hurting my neck while doing yoga. I was moving too quickly through the poses (in an effort to wrap it up to tackle my to-do's) and ended up with an injury that landed me on the couch for the past few days. It's as if my body was trying to send me a very blatant signal to SLOW DOWN, asking me, 

 

 

It tried to send that signal to me subtly at first. I felt inklings of the tension creeping into my body and knew something was stressing me, but couldn't pin point what exactly that stressor was. And instead of slowing down, I sped up. I wrongly assumed that my tension and stress was coming from the list of unfinished projects running in a loop through the back of my mind. I fell into that old habit/ mindset of “I need to finish everything all right now to get rid of the uncomfortable feelings! Then my body will stop tensing and I will be better!”

 

Of course, this isn't the right way to handle things. At least not for me as evidenced by my immediate neck injury. But I am not going to beat myself up over having fallen into an old and well-worn habit. This habit has likely protected me in some way for a long time, and it is reasonable to assume it will take an equally long time to untangle myself from it as I find healthier ways to cope with my stress. Because I am still often operating from that scarcity mindset, which makes sense. I lived with such a mindset for 30 years. It's not going to go away over night (as much as I would love to be able to flip a switch and have it be so). 

Instead, I am grateful to be in such a space to have noticed where I went wrong, be given the opportunity to rest, and then try my hand at moving forward again in a new and healthier way. 

 

 

Today, I spent much of the day resting and reading. But I also managed to write this newsletter, a new blog post, and work on some sewing time while my neck felt ok. I managed to do more today in a peaceful state than I had the day I hurt myself. That is something I will remind myself of the next time the scarcity mindset starts tappings its fingers across my window pane.