First name / Friend,
I'm curious - what is the biggest “aha” moment you've had about yourself this year?
During my midyear reflections, I've kept on coming back to the topic of identities - wrapping my head around the life transitions I've gone through, and unpacking my evolution as a woman.
What I know is this: we don't talk enough about how hard and confusing it can be to go through an identity shift - even if the “new you” is ultimately what you want, or a good thing.
When you think about something like a new job, becoming a parent, moving to a new city, or getting serious about your health, those can absolutely provide positive benefits to your life.
But in order to embrace a new identity, we have to acknowledge (and sometimes grieve) the old one. And here is why…
Almost always, the old identity made us feel good or protected our ego in some way. In other words, there was something about that old you (or your former life) that kept you safe or checked some kind of box.
Maybe it was a stamp of approval from your parents. Financial stability. Fitting in socially. Or staying in your comfort zone.
So if don't address the good of the old identity, we'll have a harder time embracing the new one.
Let me share two examples with you…
Before I opened my own business, I discovered that the biggest thing holding me back from taking the leap was actually not the fear of failure. Deep down, I knew that if I worked hard, surrounded myself with the right people, and believed in my abilities, that I could do it.
My fear was actually shedding my professional identity as Margie the nonprofit rockstar, and experiencing isolation as a solopreneur.
You see, I was hired for my first executive director gig when I was only 24 years old. I was really good at my job, and the organizations I led experienced tremendous growth and success. I loved being with my team at work, and I was well respected as a community leader in an external facing role.
As you can imagine, when I decided to launch a business at the beginning of a pandemic, I had to say goodbye to a professional identity I had for over a decade.
I was no longer Margie the nonprofit rockstar. I was the only employee of a tiny small business no one knew about. I was on my own.
Now onto the second example…
This year I've been grappling with my new identity as a married woman living in the suburbs. You may be laughing reading that (trust me - I am too), but it's very true.
Before I met Ben (my now husband), I had a really awesome life as a single woman in the city. I had a huge network and was always up to something fun. I went to happy hour after work, hiked on the weekends, and attended sporting events and concerts on the regular. I dated a lot.
But when Ben and I started getting serious about each other and our goals (as a future married couple), we knew we would need to look at real estate outside of Denver and say goodbye to our city life.
Since moving to our home in Arvada (a suburb northwest of Denver), I've experienced sadness every day. I miss my neighbors, I miss my lifestyle, and I miss the diversity and culture of the city. I feel isolated from my friends. And I just feel weird.
I am no longer Margie the social butterfly city girl. Whomp whomp.
But here's the interesting part. Marrying Ben was the easiest decision I've ever made in my life. Living closer to the mountains is way cool. And running The Thirlby Company has provided me with so much joy.
Am I grateful for my current situation, knowing full well that I'm living a beautiful and privileged life? Of course I am. Do I regret opening my own business and moving to Arvada? Nope. But that's not the point…
In order for me to thrive as an entrepreneur and experience the fullness of my new life with Ben, I first have to recognize that the changes have been really hard.
I have to grieve my old life, and the previous versions of me.
So today, I'm getting curious about the woman I'm becoming. I'm learning to be okay with not being okay. And I'm slowly shaping a vision for what I want my new life to look like, while getting clear on my needs.
. . .
If you're going through an identity shift right now or exploring one for the future, please know you are not alone.
Whether you're applying for new jobs, thinking about changing your relationship status, or getting serious about your health, please know that you're not supposed to feel excited about those changes all the time. In fact, they could feel terrifying. They were for me.
So, for the month of July, I'm offering you a brief journal activity to try:
Step 1 - Reflect on the identity that you are shedding. Write down all of the benefits that it has brought you, and name anything about saying goodbye to it that is making you sad. Get specific, keep it real, and write until you run out of ideas. Cry if you need to.
Step 2 - Reflect on the new identity that you are exploring or taking on. Imagine yourself waking up 6 months for now, thriving in that new identity. What are the behaviors or habits you're practicing that embody the new you? What are the positive benefits that you're noticing in your new state? What does success look like?
Here's to naming both the happy and sad feelings as we go through this beautiful journey called life. I am here for it, and I'm here for you.
