You see, I'm falling behind on my commitments.
I have about half of my preorders to still mail to Australia, and refunds and books to mail to the UK because I decided it wasn't smart to take a trip to Cardiff next weekend.
So why is it okay that I'm going to San Diego today?
I don't want those readers to see, “Well, there she goes…traveling to another signing. Where are my books? Is she selling mine? Why can she fly there but not here?”
(Yes, I know, a $200 flight is far different from a $2,000 one, but it's still one of those phrases that keeps repeating in my head).
The only reason why I'm making San Diego work is because a very good book world friend is my ride and boarding. The plane ticket? I overexerted myself to buy and now that $200 ticket is more like $229 because of the bank fees, thanks to…well, finances. And all books that already have a home are in envelopes and boxes, waiting for shipping labels that I pay for when my bank account isn't under zero.
In October 2019, my nanny family came to me to let me know there was a good chance the dad was going to take a job in Colorado. I spent weeks going back and forth—Was I ready to just do the book world thing? I still had three families I could babysit if I needed the extra income…
As many of you know, I decided to go to Colorado with them because honestly, I wasn't ready to just write. I wanted to be but I knew I wasn't.
I'm thankful for the two additional years I got with my boys. Also, because of those boys, I made a “mom” friend. E has become one of my very best friends (I say very as if I have many…)
But god, winters were hard. The moment snow was in the forecast, my mood plummeted. I could feel the gray cloud come in as an upcoming snow storm got closer and closer.
“But it melts in 24 hours!”
—Every Coloradan Ever.
No. It melts in 48-72 hours. And yes, it's 50 two days later but… The rollercoaster wasn't good for my head. I told my [nanny] family that first winter I wasn't sure I made the right choice but I'd give them another year. Maybe it wasn't so bad. Maybe I just needed a better frame of mind. Stop being so pessimistic, Mignon… If you go into winter with a negative attitude, of course you're going to get low!
By the second snow storm, I was more than positive I needed to go back to Arizona. It had been my happy place. I remember after my first few weeks in Arizona, circa 2016; my dad's wife told me, “You sound so happy again.” I wanted that back again.
Spoil alert: I didn't get it back.
I even upped my home inseminations in hopes I'd get pregnant. If I was pregnant, I wasn't going to move. I'd stay in Colorado.
Another spoiler: Still childless. And still can't afford IVF.
Moving back to Arizona may have been my biggest mistake yet. I'm super glad I got another year with my “psuedo-aunt” /
friend Donna before she unexpectedly passed away in April. And I'm glad that the apartment home I'm living in is super flexible with payment plans, because I've been on a never-ending loop of being 3-4 weeks behind on rent since last August.
But I feel like this entire chapter has been a lesson.
I wasn't ready to just do book world. I knew I'd need to keep up with my advertising clients and the few book covers I was designing in order to keep afloat, but gosh, I've been barely treading water for the last 13 months. I don't know how much longer I can keep my nose above the water.
So now that that sounds like this is a goodbye letter, let me add: I'm beyond terrified of dying. Please don't worry about me in that way. But I'm so tired of being alone, and failing, and struggling.
I could go back into the “real” work world. I'd have to cut back from my clients and I'd be lucky to write 2 books a year (ha, like that's much different lately). That said, my last two interviews for nanny families sent me into huge panic attacks and recently, the few applications I have put in, had anxiety attacks sending me to bed, closing out the world. If there's one BIG thing I'm grateful for in this year of struggle is that I've learned my brain doesn't work like a typical brain. The diagnosis right now is ADHD. 16 months of just being me and the dog has had me unmasking in every aspect of my life. I don't necessarily say I don't like the person I am anymore…but the “I don't know who I am,” is certainly stronger.
I don't know what I'm doing come my lease expiring in April. Do I go to Tennessee? E and her family moved near Nashville, and my mom is there (although that relationship was part of the implosion of life last summer. It's better now but…). I also have a friend in Knoxville, but 2 in Nashville-area, 1 in Knoxville… I'd probably end up on the Nashville side. Or do I go back to Wisconsin? It's where my family and former work friends are. And while Dad's doctors are optimistic that he's okay… Being far from home when he tells you he had an aggressive cancer wasn't my best moment.
But…snow.
At least it wouldn't be a roller coaster, though…it's just bitter from October until March. Someone posted on a Facebook post of mine the other day, (paraphrased) “I'd take snow over loss of human rights” and I do agree with that…but while those two states aren't exactly pro-woman right now, it takes pro-women to help make it that way again.
…and I'll take the bad if it means I'll have a community again, because lack of rights unfortunately trumps being so lonely you're not sure why you bother the same sleep-wake cycle, over and over and over again.
I think this is all why I've really leaned into writing the troubled heroines in the last year or so. While I can't relate to old money "services" or the troubled teen industry and religious cults, I can relate to the ultimate fear of being broken and not fixable. I may not be interested in my own white knight but it's been fun writing these men who fall and help put their women back together again.
I thought Asher was my most broken but I think Marilee may have her beat. I've loved the journey Mari and Cooper have taken…even if they don't always speak when it's time to actually write. Their story has fully played out though, again and again, in my mind. I just know that if you like my brand of angst, and my men who fall first, and my heroines who need a pair of strong arms to hold them through the storm, I know you're going to love Caged Lion, too.
Right now, the date on Apple, Kobo, and B&N says it's releasing at the end of August. I'll be moving that date again.
This isn't a story I want to drop and run on, like I have the last…five, six, 22 releases. I want to release this one properly. I want to get it in hands before it releases. I want to do PR boxes and have people talking about it. Mari's story, specifically, deserves that.
I don't have a true date for release yet. Perfect world, mid-September. But that would mean I have to fully wrap the book up in the next week-ish, in order to edit and print and purchase… So it may be October. I don't know. Every time I give a date and I fail, it chinks a little more of my armor.
Someday, all I'm going to do is write.
I'll have an online person and in-person person who will help keep me in line and on task, and help with all the aspects I fall behind on (social media, newsletters, mail) and I can truly focus on the piece of the art that drives me most.
Telling the stories.
I'm not there yet.
But I will be.
Thank you for being you.
Thank you for reading this far.
And thank you for continuing to trust in me and my words.
xxMignon
