Have you ever faced a challenge that seemed impossible to overcome?
Have you ever felt like giving up when things got tough? It’s a normal feeling. I understand.
I will never support giving in, but I know life gives us challenges that seem impossible to overcome.
On that same note, have you ever wondered how some people can handle adversity with grace and courage while others crumble under pressure?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, then today’s newsletter is for you.
We all face setbacks in every aspect of our lives. Think of these common everyday scenarios that happen all the time:
Injuries
Job Loss
Break Ups
Relapses
A million other things that can happen like losing a favorite item, losing a pet, wrecking your car…the list can go on forever.
That’s why today I want to talk to you about resilience and what psychologists call the “Resilience Theory” that studies how people cope with, and recover from, adversity.
Athletes of all kinds are looked up to because of the way they handle themselves in the face of opposition, drama, the media, and more. Sports fans look at their favorite superstars and watch them win despite any personal and professional drama surrounding them and we stand in awe at their resilience. Many think that this is just something they are born with.
Forget that. Let me give you some insights from science: resilience is not a fixed trait that people are just “born with”. Not at all. In fact, resilience is a process that is learned and developed over time. Not only that, but it’s important to know that it’s not the kind of adversity itself that is important, but how we deal with it.
We don’t deal with all adversity in the exact same way. Obviously, a sprained ankle is not the same as being laid off from work. Each scenario comes with different challenges and very different solutions, but the truth is that they are both temporary setbacks, so again, while you may never be able to prevent them, both of these scenarios can be overcome.
When we face adversity, bad luck, or frustration, its resilience that helps us bounce back. That skill is what helps us survive, recover, and even thrive in the face of obstacles and challenges. Each one of you has that inside.
Apply it to your own life for a minute. Did you marry the very first person you ever dated? Did you work your entire life at the very first job you’ve ever had? The answer for 99.9% of us is hell no. The point I’m trying to make is that you’ve already overcome adversity in some form in your life. So, the question that burns me and should be on your minds is that how do we lose that skill along the way?
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With that thought in mind, I’m going to introduce you to some factors that contribute to resilience and are part of the resilience theory definition. Remember those questions I asked in the beginning? Now look at the list below and ask yourself if these traits apply to you as well (I bet they do):
Survivor Mentality: People who are resilient view themselves as survivors rather than victims. These folks know that even though things are tough, if they keep going, they will endure.
Emotional Regulation: Resilient people can manage their emotions in the face of stress. It doesn’t mean denying or suppressing those feelings, it simply means that you don’t let those thoughts consume you. The key is recognizing that emotions are temporary and can be managed until they pass.
Feeling in Control: Resilience means that you understand that your actions can influence the outcome of events. Being in control also means there is no blaming other people or external factors. But you don’t have to accept responsibility for things beyond your control, that’s not sustainable either. These people just focus on what needs to be done to improve the situation. Did you ever have a big project due at work just to learn that your Wi-Fi is down the day it’s due? Even though it’s not your fault, resilient people find a way, victim mentality passes the buck.
Self-Compassion: Treating yourself with kindness when things are hard is difficult to do. Have you ever been dumped by someone only to spend the next few days focusing on everything that might be wrong with you? That is completely unhealthy. Resiliency teaches us to accept ourselves as we are and learn from the experience. This applies not only to our romantic relationships, but our jobs, and even our network of friends and family.
When it comes to training, resilience is absolutely critical. Getting in shape and staying in shape requires physical and mental toughness. No one is motivated to go to the gym every single day, but that is where your resiliency and discipline come in. Have you ever heard someone say they are skipping the gym for a week or so because they pulled a muscle? I’ll let you in on some more science: The body has over 650 named skeletal muscles which means if one or two muscles are hurt, there is still plenty of work that can be done for those who are truly resilient.
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When you look at your life as a whole, there are also so many things that can hold us back from being our best (physically and mentally). When it comes to your body, small injuries can set us back if we let them. When it comes to our self-esteem, coworkers, bosses, or significant others can hold us back with criticism if we let them. Alcohol and drugs can also cause us to lose progress and momentum if we let it. The promise of temporary relief from mental and physical pain through substances only creates additional adversity that we have to overcome later.
How many people do you know that “fall off the wagon” so to speak, and tell everyone how great they feel because of drinking or smoking every day? They don’t. You also don’t hear people say how happy they are that they deferred student loans for years because they like making outrageous monthly payments later in life. My point is that resiliency doesn’t involve temporary escapes.
Like I said, resilience is not something you are born with or without. It’s something you can develop and improve over time. It’s a process that involves your thoughts, emotions, actions, and relationships, and it is a skill that can help you survive and thrive in any situation.
-what are you waiting for?-
Start building your resilience today. Challenge yourself to face your fears, embrace the emotions you feel even if you don’t know why you’re feeling them. Take control of your life, solve your problems, be kind to yourself, and seek support from others. I believe that you have the power to bounce back from anything. Its why I encourage all of you to reach out to me for help and advice.
I’ve lived a life filled with adversity, yet here I stand. I know you have too, and if you need an open ear or a helping hand, you know how to find me.
