God has asked me to do a lot of things lately that scare the pants off me. 😳 (Anybody else? Just me?) All is well, and we are fine, but this has been a season with a little more margin for chaos character-building.
I let go of a lot this summer. I finally (for real, this time) resigned from the teaching post I hadn't filled for two years. I let go of the insurance and benefits it provided. I jumped and prayed God would catch me. And you know what? He did. I wound my way through a maze of new coverage and paperwork and appointments, but doors opened one at a time. Literal doors and connections to helpers in the real world, but also squeaky doors in my heart. The noisy ones that make a fuss- creaky and stiff from long avoidance.
More than a few opportunities have arisen for me to which I thought, “I'd rather not.” 😂 Not my idea of my fun, but about 80% seemed doable. Not exactly how I planned to spend my time, but mostly seemed like a good fit. I guess I could do that if I really had to. But what is one supposed to do when the literal doors have opened and the squeaky, creaky doors of the heart are the only barriers left?
As I wrestled with these feelings last week, dreading several small tasks that lay ahead, I was aware of my growing anxiety. I leaned hard into my self-care routine: stress baking, reading, warm baths, movement, time with God. I sweated my way through a
Good Body Gals workout. The instructor repeatedly asked,
“What are you still holding on to? What can you release to God?” My gut reaction was, “There's nothing left in my hands- I let it go already!” And then, I realized that all I was gripping was…fear.
It's hard to live life with our hands clenched. Holding on to what isn't serving us. Gripping tightly to what we fear losing. Or even just closing our hearts and hands to whatever God places before us. It's hard to serve, it's hard to recieve, it's hard to LOVE without open, willing hands.
With that epiphany, I asked God to help me through the next few steps. To help me let go of my fear and walk in faith, trusting that He would be with me.
…and those tasks (that I'd rather not do) were amazingly, beautifully successful.
I think surrendering everything to God is more than our hopes and dreams. It means our empty, open hands, too. When there's nothing else for us to do, we get to watch expectantly to see what He will do. And maybe that's the whole point, the true posture, that our hearts needed to begin with…I don't know. I'm no expert, just a girl sobbing through her arm video in the middle of the living room on a Tuesday. 😜
What barriers in your heart keep you from what God has placed before you? What burdens can you release? With His help, freedom and fruit is possible. Even here. Especially here. His goodness will never fail!
