The welcoming of fall always feels bittersweet for me. As a lover of the sun, I grasp the endless days and warmth that summer provides. And yet, autumn brings her own magic into the mix — there’s a romance to her shadows, her falling leaves, and her unique light. Wherever this note finds you, I hope that her spell feels rooted and earth-laden inside of your heart.
This newsletter is dedicated to love. But not love as a noun, rather love as a verb. The act of loving that all of us long for and yet so few of us have been taught. Quoted in author Bell Hooks’ book All About Love: New Visions, M. Scott Peck describes the act of loving:
“Love is the will to extend one’s self for the purpose of nurturing one’s own or another’s spiritual growth. Love is as love does. Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love.”
I got married on August 8, the Lion’s Gate Portal. It was mystical. It was exquisite. It was an absolute peak experience. But it’s not what this letter to you is about. Rather, it’s a story I want to tell about my continued education on the act of loving via nurturing my own and other’s spiritual development.
I was supposed to go on a meditation retreat two weeks after our wedding. I had planned it months in advance knowing that I would want some time to be inside of myself after such a potent . The retreat was canceled 10 hours prior to me leaving and I was left in a bit of a murky “what do I do” moment of realigning my expectations. Jonathan, my husband (Weird! First time I’ve written that!), in his act of loving me, pushed me to take a personal retreat. With a quick pivot, I rented a small cabin in southern Colorado, in a tiny town that butts up against the Sangre de Cristo Mountain range. With a few books, a stack of paper, and some plant medicine, I loaded up the car and made my way onto the open road.
There’s something wild that happens when you are alone in the car with sweeping vistas and loud music. Left alone to the privacy of both your thoughts and the environment in which you are being held, the tears can find their way out.
En route, I stopped at a hot spring located amidst barren landscape and the majesty of the large mountains. I rambled my way up a hill, passing a pool with kids and a pool with lovers, only to land amidst waters that were occupied by four older women. Ever the observer, I watched them interact as they discussed their partners, their children, and themselves. They were effortless and at ease with one another. As I was soon brought into their conversation, I learned that they had all been friends for over four decades, meeting one another through their synagogue and religious practices. For a few hours, I weaved in and out of their conversation, feeling as though I was getting to hang out in the energy of my future self. Awakened by the potential of who I could grow into, I felt all the more relaxed inside of who I am today.
I eventually made my way to my abode, turned off my phone, and settled in for the evening with a book to read and a few letters to write. Letter writing is one of my most revered rituals and ways that I love through action. Through writing, reading, and reflecting, I spent the night silently in my own thoughts and feelings. The spaciousness was so nourishing; something I believe we all crave for in our distracted and overwhelmed world. I noticed myself embracing the privilege of silence.
The second day of my retreat, I embarked on a solo medicine journey. It was an experience that feels sacred to me and one that I will keep close to my heart. That said, it was potent and rich and filled with the people I love and those who I may soon lose. In an episode of the On Being podcast, How We Live With Loss, with physician and author Rachel Naomi Remen, host Krista Tippet describes Remen’s philosophy:
“Living well — becoming whole — is not about eradicating our wounds and weaknesses. In fact, [Remen] says, the way we deal with losses, large and small, shapes our capacity to be present to all of our experiences.”
To love is to be in right relationship with loss. And when you really allow yourself to feel loss, you get tapped into the process of being in love.
When the journey was over, I went on a long, slow sunset walk. I happened upon someone’s backyard that was playing home to a dozen or so llamas. At the end of my stroll, three male peacocks sauntered in front of me and splayed out their brilliant, blue feathers.
The final day of my retreat I headed even further south to a town called Del Norte. I meandered into a lovely record, tinned fish, and natural wine shop and got lost in conversation with the owner. His eyes were piercing, his energy calm. I was integrating the messages I had received the day before and allowing my heart to feel unguarded and cracked open. As Hooks states,
“A commitment to a spiritual life requires us to do more than read a good book or go on a restful retreat. It requires conscious practice, a willingness to unite the way we think and the way we act.”
Picking up a sandwich at the local grocery store, I made my way down to the river with Hook’s book in tow. As I sat, indulging in the sun, I heard my name being called from the bank. I looked over and into the eyes of a childhood friend — a man who has known me since I was born. Our families grew up together side by side. We hadn’t seen one another in over 15 years and yet . . . there he was. Like long-lost siblings, we embraced in a warm hug and spent the remaining hours of sunlight catching one another up on life, love, and loss. As the day came to an end, I made my way back to the car and drove back to the cabin through a rainbow-ridden thunderstorm.
In just three days, I was transported into a transcendental realm that was created through intention, presence, openness to feel my feelings, and a willingness to love.
We live in a world where it’s easy to get lost in fear, overwhelm, distraction, hateful rhetoric, or doom and gloom. Yet, love is as love does. When you choose to embrace a love ethic-filled life — allowing it to govern and inform how you think and act — your light shines. You draw to yourself and are drawn to other bearers of light, remembering that you are not alone.
Love is an act of will. We do not have to love. We choose to love.
With all of the love in my expansive heart,
P.S. In the next few months I will finally be birthing my new business with the world. After three years of discipline, devotion and love-filled work, my brilliant co-founder Shawn Casey and our amazing education strategist Lela Tuhtan will be launching our e-learning platform Innerwell. Our signature program Shift the Way You Lead addresses employee well-being via leadership development. Stay tuned for more information, I cannot wait to share it with you!!!
Challenge the Ways You Consume: Love isn’t just about people, it’s also about the planet.
Work on reducing your household food waste which rates as #3 in the Top 100 emissions-cutting practices. My homegirl Alison Mountford, founded Ends & Stems to support individuals and families wanting to reduce food waste and take care of Mother Earth. @endsandstems
Turn Fear into Action: Get out of the climate death spiral by becoming painfully aware of what is happening.
First, name your feelings (and the situation that triggers them).
Notice where the feeling sits in your body as you name it.
Build affect tolerance and emotional muscle so you are able to act from your feelings (vs. drown in them).
Cry or dance it out.
Cultivate BIG Kindness: Be in relationship with strangers and those in your inner-circle in ways that emphasize love and deep connection:
Rather than asking people “How are you?” ask “How is your heart?” Be present for the answer and notice the difference in how you feel.
Start up a conversation with a stranger by asking them a meaningful question like, “Will you tell me a bit about the book you are reading?”
Write a letter to someone you love and send it via USPS. Notice how it makes you feel (Note: this suggestion comes from me, #1 Fangirl of the USPS.)
All About Love: New Visions by Bell Hooks. This stunning novel reveals what causes a polarized society and how to heal the divisions that cause suffering. Hook’s book offers the truth about love and inspiration to help us instill caring, compassion, and strength in our homes, schools, and workplaces.
Past Lives, an exquisite and emotional movie by studio A24. Nora and Hae Sung, two deeply connected childhood friends, are torn apart after Nora’s family emigrates from South Korea. Decades later, they are reunited for one fateful week as they confront destiny, love, and the choices that make a life.
Drive My Car. It took me almost two years to watch this elegant and unique film. Based on Haruki Murakami’s eponymous short story, Drive My Car travels paths of loneliness, loss, and bereavement and investigates the deepest meaning of artistic representation as a universal key to understanding human nature.
Hotel Lilien. I may be biased to the Hudson Valley (it’s my favorite part of the country!) and this hotel (it’s where I got married!) but if you find yourself in the upstate New York region, I highly recommend this thoughtfully curated 18-room boutique hotel and cocktail bar. It’s the unofficial living room of the village Tannersville. @hotellilien
Phinney’s Grocery. Two of my beloved clients (they are a badass married couple!) own and operate this local grocer in Newtown, Connecticut. They supply produce, pantry staples, a carefully curated selection of high-quality goods, and prepared food meals and catering. They are incredible humans, and their food is simply an extension of their hearts. @phinneysnewtown
Sacred Thistle, a beautifully curated home-goods store in Denver, Colorado, filled with artful objects, books, jewelry, and more. @sacredthistle
Refamulating. A new podcast created by my homie Julia Winston that normalizes nonnuclear family stories. I had the pleasure of spending the day with her a few weeks back and was deeply inspired by her passion to explore and share all the different ways we can make a family.
Dynasty Handbag. Jibz Cameron is a gayyyyy performer, visual artist, and actor. Her multimedia performance work as alter ego Dynasty Handbag has spanned over 20 years and has been presented at arts venues such as the New Museum of Contemporary Art, the Broad museum, the Hammer Museum, Roy and Edna Disney CalArts Theater, Brooklyn Academy of Music, and Centre Pompidou, among others. Every time I see her, I am awed by her edges of creativity that use humor to push me to examine reality and how I relate to the world.
