Well First name / friend, this week we hit a big milestone in our family.
September 6th marked a decade of being a parent! Our oldest turned double digits and I've never wished more for time to slow down. I still remember vividly being 10 myself, one of my favorite years of being a kid, and I can't wrap my mind around how I can already be a parent to a 10 year old. (cliche I know, but also so true)
I sat with her in bed the night before her birthday and we talked about all the things she loved about being 9, how she felt about growing up, and what she dreams for this next year of her life.
And as I snuggled next to her I had a flashback moment to when I was holding her at three days old, tears filling my eyes because she was growing so fast already.
It's not fair, right?! How time moves like this, bringing us the most joyous parts of our life and also leaving us feeling like we didn't have enough of it to soak it all in.
I know mamas have said this for centuries and will continue to say it for centuries more. It all goes so fast.
I guess what I'm learning from pondering this more is that it's ok to feel both-- and the truth is that ever since becoming a mama, I've felt the juxtaposition of these feelings more often than not. The feeling of not wanting them to grow up, for time to slow down and for the chance to relive the precious little years all over again. AND at the same time knowing this is exactly as it should be, where we are right now, how far we've come, the ways we are maturing, her and I as child and parent, growing side by side and more into who we are created to be.
Both are true and both are a gift.
If you're like me, First name / friend, you don't want to miss out on the most meaningful parts of life that are shaping childhood memories for our kids. Since we can't slow down time, or go back into it, or even make it speed up, I'm learning what it means to be in the present moment, with gratitude for the ways time as brought us here and with contentedness to not long for any moment to move me into something different. I want to live my days with purpose in each second that passes, being able to look back and know that I was there, fully and presently.
Something I've done to help feel this more is write things down to mark them, whether big or small. So for this milestone that we’ve come to in our home, I decided to write down 10 things I think I’ve learned along that way. Things that I would probably tell myself about the gift of motherhood when I first became a mama on September 6th 2013. Things I hope to tell my own kids as they enter the journey of parenting someday too.
In sharing this, I hope something here may resonate with you too, wherever you find yourself in the journey.
Dear Mama,
- There are a million ways and more to be a mama. The only way to be the best one is to listen to your instinct in loving this child, each child you are gifted with, to the best you know how in the moment you're in right now. And always be soft and open to learning and growing and becoming a better version of yourself, for them.
- Despite what we as mamas might tell ourselves, the most beautiful gift you can give your kids is showing them that you are imperfect too. You won't get motherhood right, none of us do. And there’s actually a lot of freedom in knowing and believing that. You will mess up, and you will be ok. They will be ok. The only way to get it “right” is to always be willing to be wrong. And saying you're sorry in it's truest form will be the surest way to gain their heart's trust in you.
- Something they probably don't tell you when you get married is that the real test of your marriage vows comes when you become a parent. The lack of sleep, the irritability, the stress of keeping a human alive and well nourished and loved, the unsaid expectations you and your partner become aware of as soon as a tiny human comes into your lives, the different ways you both think you know how to parent despite no formal training before you became one. It's a lot. So counter to what you may feel sometimes, the only way to make it through and be more connected is by putting each other first--and always before the little ones you bring into this world. Be affectionate in front of them showing them how you're on each other's team. It's not only a gift for your marriage, but a gift your kids will cherish someday realizing that their parents were/are on the same side, moving towards connection and health and always towards each other, for the benefit of everyone who enters your home.
- Sometimes all you need is to scream into a pillow in the middle of the night, or cry until the tears dry up because you’re just too tired and weary to keep trying anything else. It’s your body’s way of caring for you, so let it. And don’t beat yourself up about it the next day.
- Dance parties make the best memories, so keep playing music and keep dancing no matter how goofy you feel. The smiles and laughter it brings are entirely worth it.
- Yes, this will be the hardest, most challenging job you’ll ever be given. One that doesn’t come with an onboarding process or a quit button. And sometimes, just as you think you’ve turned a corner in understanding how it all works, another confusing, nonsensical obstacle will be thrown your way. You’ll feel like you’re back to square one, but you’ll learn in hindsight that maybe all along they are the ones holding the owner's manual, just teaching you more of how to grow up and be a better version of who they need you to be.
- Surprise them often. Make even the smallest moments magical and meaningful. And celebrate every part of their world. You’ll never regret being a little “extra” for the sake of making a memory they’ll never forget.
- Ask for help. Seek ways to learn new perspectives. Do this often. And repeat.
- Learn to be comfortable with the mess. Not clutter where unnecessary things are filling up space, this is different. The mess– Of spilled food, because it means you are feeding bellies. Of paint splatters, because it means you are being creative. Of emotions, because it means you are feeling what you feel and moving through it, trying to understand it more. Of making mistakes, because it means you are not hiding. Of saying things out loud, because it means there is safety in figuring it all out. Realize that this is all happening under the roof where you are creating a haven for the hearts you love so deeply and that is beauty beyond measure.
- Hug often. Never let someone enter the room without a warm welcome and never leave without saying "I love you." Kiss them even when they wipe it away. Look into their sparkly eyes, directly and intently–you’ll never see more beauty than right there. And it’s ok if the feeling of not knowing when you’re done having more of them never comes, it just means your heart is bigger than what your arms have capacity for. (just pray for lots of grand babies instead :))
