We all know the saying, “Actions speak louder than words”. It means that we can reasonably judge a person’s true feelings and motives by watching their behavior rather than listening to what they say.
It’s not always that easy though.
Sometimes people can deceive us by masking their true intentions with calculated actions or inactions. Think about the example I used recently about the parent who never says, “I love you” to their children. Sure, they may shower them with empty gifts, but it’s what they don’t do over what they actually do that reveals their lack of affection. Think about it, anyone can give someone a gift, but do they take time out of their day to show they genuinely care?
Sometimes people can even deceive us by masking their intentions with calculated actions. Think about a person who is cheating on their partner…they may act extra nice and attentive to avoid suspicion, but intimacy and the little things that show they actually care will slowly come to a stop.
So, when it comes to hidden intentions, how can we detect them through inaction? Is there a way to see through people who are being deliberately manipulative?
In a word: Yes. It isn’t easy, but it is absolutely possible to see through the BS.
This skill requires you to pay attention to what people don’t do rather than what they do.
To do that, you need to understand what to look for.
-focus on the subtle clues-
Stop me if this sounds like a situation that has ever happened in your life…have you ever come home visibly upset after a bad day and the person who is supposed to support and care for you doesn’t ask how you’re feeling or how you’re doing? Sucks, right?
This is an easy one to spot and a tough one to swallow. When you realize that the person who is supposed to care about you either lacks the emotional intelligence to see you’re visibly upset or is actually telling you through inaction that you are not a top priority for them, it can be really upsetting.
I’ll take this a step further. As people, we can use our senses to determine the intentions of others based on obvious visual cues. Like identifying which people may be a threat to us. These behaviors help us identify an expected behavior so that we can prepare ourselves.
What I’m asking you to focus on are the subtle clues that reveal the discrepancy between hidden and normal intentions.
I’ll give you a quick example. Let’s say you achieved something great at work. Maybe everyone congratulates you, maybe they don’t. The ones that don’t probably either don’t know you or clearly don’t care, both of which are expected behaviors. But what about the insincere congratulations? They are out there…you know they are. So how do you notice them?
Think about what is considered normal behavior and all the physical signs that go with it. When you are congratulating someone for an achievement and you are genuinely happy for them, you will say kind words with a smile, and usually some form of contact like a handshake or hug. There will also be a higher tone (our excitement tone) to our voice that expresses happiness.
-Improve your own communication and relationship skills-
You know the phrase, “the devil is in the details”? That devil rests in these precise little details. These little clues are what are known as micro-behaviors and they include the tiniest details like a person’s gaze, attention, facial expressions, body language, and speech patterns. Do you think a shoplifter is going to stare at the item they want to take? It’s never that obvious, so understanding micro-behaviors can help identify those real intentions.
But to notice micro-behaviors is not an easy task. Yes, it takes attention like I talked about, but it also requires some intuition as well as experience. So, what should you look for?
Pay attention to the norms of someone’s behavior. This is especially true when they are in a situation that may trigger hidden intentions. Look for patterns and inconsistencies that may signal that something is off.
Watch for people who don’t respect your boundaries or don’t keep their promises. These behaviors may indicate a lack of respect or even a sign of control. While nothing is being said and nothing is being done directly to hurt you, this type of passive aggressive behavior is also another major red flag. If you understand this situation personally, you’re not alone.
Believe it or not, when we begin noticing what people don’t say or do, we are actually improving our own communication and relationship skills. By carefully observing and detecting hidden intentions, we can get a clear understanding of who we’re dealing with and what they really want.
-pay attention to discrepancies-
The truth is that agencies have already developed technologies that are used to interview people to look for these micro-behaviors. They refer to it as Hidden Intention Discovery (HID), but in basic terms, they are using AI and biotechnology to determine if a person is not being truthful about their intentions. Ever know someone that was known as a “good liar”? Big tech is coming after them.
What I’m telling you is that you don’t need all that fancy shit to get the same result.
You just need to pay attention to the little discrepancies.
We are all unique individuals, but there are commonalities that are shared among human beings, even if they are almost impossible to detect sometimes. When people lie, it triggers the release of cortisol. When this happens, it increases a person’s heart rate, blood pressure, breathing rate, and sweat. You don’t need to be a human polygraph to notice these reactions. Some may be harder to notice, but it’s there.
This even includes lying through omission or hiding your intentions through inaction. While there is no definitive list of specific behaviors, it goes back to the concept of micro-behaviors such as pursing or rolling back the lips to the point they almost disappear or something like too much or too little eye contact – it has to fit the scenario…which means you need the emotional intelligence to be aware of the right reaction for the current situation.
There are other signs like dry mouth, and nasal drip, but I’m not talking about interviewing people or interrogations today. My goal is to try and give you some tools to help you identify behaviors that may be hurting you and you don’t even know about it yet.
But please don’t take this information and never trust anyone again. The people who have been there for you will still be there for you. But if you have people in your circle or in your social life that are a little questionable to you, then yes, these techniques are intended to help you achieve some clarity.
By understanding and applying these concepts, not only will you have a clearer picture of the world around you, but with this new awareness, it can help you be more honest with yourself and ultimately be a stronger and smarter individual.
I challenge you to pay close attention to your circle for behaviors or people like this. I’m grateful to have the chance to share these tools with you, but now it’s time to put it into practice.
