Words

 

The night going into Kol Nidre I realized I hadn’t written my newsletter yet and was caught wondering what I was going to write about this month. September is over and for me, it was filled with busy food styling/work (grateful) - but because of that it left me with no time for my my self care ‘me calm and grounded’ routine of hot yoga, daily meditation, reading and eating well. When I’m working my call time is usually between 6 and 7 am and my day isn't finished until at least 10hrs later where the only time I have to myself is in the shower right before I get straight back into bed to do it all over again the next day. Need less to say - I was wondering about the words I would use or needed to write about this month.

 

I was scrolling instagram before I went into temple and came across this post/article in The Atlantic about a writer named Jenisha Watts called Secrets Never Stay Secret.

 

Her quotes in the post made a quick but real impact on me. Her determination not to let those around her know where she came from, her new gauge of success, the importance of words and finding hers to tell her story, how she couldn’t write about herself without writing about her family. I can’t explain why this post landed on me the way it did, but in that moment sitting in my car waiting to go inside to be spiritually inspired - reading the abridged version of this woman’s journey with words spoke directly to me.

So I walked into service thinking - well maybe now is the time I could put down into words the mega personal family stuff I had been dealing with during this otherwise fairly uneventful month.

 

THEN, because the Universe is so fucking amazing and incredible. Rabbi Mari (who I desperately would love to be friends with) gets up to do her sermon and opens with this bit about a book and goes straight into the theme for tonights' Kol Nidre, Words! LOL. She continues to deliver a truly wonderful thoughtful speech of the importance of words. "Words that bridge the abyss between our internal experiences… Words that tell stories… Words are fluid - that what we say in one moment turns out to be not true in the next. And Words have the power to change our brains." 

Kol Nidre Rabbi Mari Chernow's Sermon 2023

On and on about words. Anyway as you can tell, I ate it up and felt seen by the Universe. And as always accepting of these synchronicities as good checkpoints of my own alignment. She also said that we speak an average of about 16,000 words per day. SIX TEEN THOUSAND words spelled out BIG. That’s a shit ton of words. And like she said, thats 16,000 opportunities to say and use the right ones. And how finding ones voice is a spiritual challenge. (Click on the video to watch her 15min worth it spiel)

Whales

 

I dreamt about whales one night this month. Specifically speaking, I dreamt I was told from one of the most loving sources I have known in my life (my Nana; the other woman who raised me until I was about 11years old) that I had the power of the whales or whale power in me (?)/ behind me (?)/ with me. It was a very bizarre dream and a really random thing to say I still feel. Lovingly, I woke up feeling really special. And obviously almost immediately dove a deep dive into google about whales and their spiritual significance - and what this could actually /potentially mean in my subconscious right now - what am I processing right now and how are these whales going to help me become enlightened lol - or better yet, what is this whale power and how wonderful that I am blessed with it already! Who doesn’t love whales? They are amazing creatures that I have only had the chance to see them from afar in the ocean or unkindly true at Sea World as a kid I got to see Shamu perform a handful of times. So naturally - being a lover of most animals I was thrilled to research whales and the spiritual significance of whale power. 

Here is what I discovered;

These are National Geographic’s facts I learned about whales. 

Then I clicked on the spiritual side of whales. And learned the following;

Fascinating. At least to me. Maybe my dream is telling me I am a good communicator - or that I have it in me to do better. Or that I have strong psychic powers (which I agree with) or that I'm wise, or that so many things about whales I can use as a tool to learn from, and so many aspects of whale symbolism to adopt as far as what this power I have inside me is for. I choose to hold the belief that all the reasons are useful and for my good.

{In a totally related (albeit not as magical) note and likely explanation for this new whale power, my partner and I have been watching AHSOKA on Disney+ and in the last episodes the hyperspace whales have played a major role and are finally being explained. These whales, also known as Purrgil, are mystical creatures in the Star Wars universe that have the ability to travel at light speed across galaxies. They’re amazing - bottom line. And the imagination of how they are being portrayed is absolutely beautiful - so much so that it’s taken up some major real estate in my subconscious lol. 

So I suppose this content could also be why the whales in my dreams.} 

2nd Marriages

 

I feel like I’m revealing here and I’m not sure my intention other than selfishly writing to get things off my chest and mind or maybe this is using my words to record this moment and feelings in time. 

 

I’m getting married for the 2nd time in November. My partner and I are really in a place of peace, pure joy and excitement. We are laughing so much and are just stupid giddy with love. Gratitude. I am so lucky. When I close my eyes and envision him standing down there waiting for me under the chuppah (☺️) - I see his eyes and they are locked with mine - and I feel the commitment and the bond between us - the same one that makes us work, even when we disagree about something real or when either of us are just being a mood. I am so excited to be his wife, his partner. Forever. When we kissed in our 2nd week of dating I remember opening our eyes and seeing him smiling back at me, but it was him as an old man, smiling and full of love. I felt so safe, and I loved his old man face. And I knew right then that this could be someone forever if he wanted it to be. 

 

But this is my 2nd time walking down an aisle towards a man I love. And with all the joy and spirit I feel about November and the rest of my life, I can’t change that I there is a self made space inside me that feels guilty about the past. Examining this guilt I ask myself the following; Is it a guilt because marrying someone else means I'm letting go and widening the memory gap even further away from a time, a person and experience that helped make me who I am today? Is it guilt because the other man I once loved deserves to be just as happy as I am, and narcissistically I sometimes think this imaginary story that he can’t possibly be happy without me? Or is it most likely that somewhere in my childhood I adopted this false belief that I am responsible for other people’s feelings? And if I'm totally honest with myself could it also possibly not be guilt at all, but compassion masked with sadness - so a grief - I might always feel about a relationship that was sacred to me, and failed? It all fits. I am infinite. I have inside me the space for ALL THE WHALES AND ALL THE LOVE AND ALL THE WORDS. And the words I choose to be my truth about the story of my life - is the ineffable gratitude I feel for the chance to love and be loved by two extraordinary men in 1 life time. Lucky. is the girl with the whale power and thankful is my sound. 

Thank you for reading me 

💘