Earlier this month, TIME Magazine released an eye-opening article about self-silencing and its impact on a woman's physical and mental health.
I can't even sugarcoat it: self-silencing is legit killing us.
It is linked to a woman's higher risk of premature death, depression, anxiety, PTSD, IBS, migraines, chronic pain, autoimmune diseases, and eating disorders.
Researchers also found that women who didn’t express themselves when they had fights with their spouses were four times more likely to die than those who did.
My legit reaction…
As a recovering people pleaser, I've personally worked through self-silencing in the past 10 years and have helped many clients do the same. So let's talk about it.
What is self-silencing?
A longer definition: Stifling your own thoughts, feelings, and desires to preserve a relationship and ‘keep the peace’
A 3-word definition: Loss of voice
It is prescribed by cultural norms, values, and images that tell us what a woman is “supposed” to be like: agreeable, pleasing, selfless, and emotionally controlled.
Self-silencing looks a little something like this:
Being agreeable even when we disagree
Saying yes, even when it’s an inconvenience
Suppressing our emotions to keep the peace
Prioritizing the needs and desires of others over our own
Avoiding speaking up, even when we have valuable input
Changing our beliefs or decisions to avoid disappointing others
Staying in unhealthy relationships to keep others happy
Taking on too many responsibilities because ‘it’s your duty’
If you're reading this and thinking ‘it’s me, Ari' - trust me, I feel you, boo. I've been here too. And the good news is that this is learned behavior that can be unlearned.
Let's pull back the curtain on self-silencing a bit more.
4 Types of Self-Silencing Behavior
Externalized Self-Perception: This can look like judging yourself based on other people's expectations or simply worrying about what others think. Your life may consist of you doing things you believe you should be doing or ways that you should be living.
Examples: Choosing a career path to make your parents happy or believing that you should feel joy all the time in caring for your kids
Stifling Your Voice: This can look like suppressing your own thoughts and opinions in the hopes of making someone like you or to keep the peace. In other words, biting your tongue…a whole lot.
Examples: Not sharing critical feedback with your colleague for fear of not being liked or agreeing with your partner on something you disagree with to avoid an argument
Overly self-sacrificing: Sacrificing, loving, and caring for others is not a bad thing - but it does become a concern when 1) it frequently silences your own needs, desires, and overall well-being 2) it is a way to maintain a relationship or friendship.
Examples: ‘If I do nice things, THEN this person will love me’ or 'If I let this person borrow money, then they will know that I care."
A Divided Self: This can look likehiding who you are for fear that others won’t like what they see if they know the real you. And appearing super positive on the outside, but internally you are not OK – and this causes a build of resentment.
Examples: Hiding your identity or personal relationships from your parents for fear of judgment or pretending that you love your job, but inside you hate it
10 Ways To Break The Silence & Find Your Voice
Here's are some best practices that have been a game-changer for me and my clients. Just remember to give yourself grace - it will take time.
Reflect for self-awareness: Start by recognizing when and why you tend to silence yourself. Think about the situations, people, and emotions that trigger self-silencing.
Identify your needs and emotions: Practice self-reflection and journaling to understand your own wants, needs, and feelings. This is the first step in becoming more attuned to your inner self.
Kick negative beliefs to the curb: Examine any beliefs or thought patterns that lead to self-silencing, such as the fear of rejection, the need for constant approval, or the avoidance of conflict.
Practice self-compassion: Be kind and forgiving to yourself. Remeber that you deserve to have your feelings and needs acknowledged and respected.
Communicate assertively: Practice assertive communication, which means expressing your thoughts, needs, and feelings in a clear, respectful, and direct manner.
Set boundaries: Establish healthy boundaries to protect your well-being. This may be saying no when necessary and communicating your limits to others.
Seek support: Consider talking to a therapist or counselor who can provide guidance, support, and tools to help dig deeper into where your self-silencing behavior is coming from and how to better communicate your needs.
Surround yourself with supportive people: Prioritize relationships with people who respect your feelings and encourage open communication.
Practice self-care: Lean into self-care practices to boost your self-esteem and emotional resilience. This might include meditation, mindfulness, exercise, and maintaining a healthy lifestyle.
Take small steps: Overcoming self-silencing may be a gradual process. Start with low-risk situations and gradually work your way up to more challenging ones.
Remember that recovering from self-silencing is a personal journey, and progress may come in stages. Be patient with yourself, and celebrate your successes along the way. You got this, boo!
Whenever you're ready, here are 3 ways we can work together:
Have a great week!
Ariel Belgrave, CPT
Certified Fitness & Nutrition Coach
Corporate Wellness Consultant
Board Member, Women's Health Mag
Under Armour Athlete
P.S. Feel free to forward this email to someone who could use this wisdom (sharing is caring!)
