Hey First name / friend!
Have you ever heard of attachment styles? When I first learned about the concept, my supervisor recommended the well-researched, popular book,
Attached.
Geez, I had never been so called out by a book before. 😳
Basically, attachment styles are characterized by the way people relate to one another within intimate relationships.
So what does that mean?
It means, in relationships, how do you show up? Do you avoid conflict or create it? Do you dismiss or do you empathize? Do you cut and run or stay too long? Do you feel the need for space or do you want to feel connected at all times?
Yes, we’re all different but usually our relationship patterns look the same.
There are three widely accepted styles, and some subgroups as well. But the three main categories are Avoidant, Anxious/Insecure, and Secure.
Imagine a spectrum with Secure in the middle, hanging out totally content. Then there’s Avoidant on one end, ready to bolt, with Anxious on the other end, prepared to hang on forever.
Ok, it might be a little dramatic, but sometimes that's honestly how it feels.
I'm a longtime member of the Anxious Attachment Club and I think I've gotten to know my tendencies pretty well over the years.
I romanticize people and jump into relationships. Then, constantly overthink and look for signs of disconnection and subconsciously act out in order to reconnect, because the anxiety of disconnection is too much. I deeply fear rejection and often stick around too long because I fear abandonment and being alone.
There. I said it.
While I've come a long way in regulating my anxiety, I've discover a new spin on these patterns that hasn’t always been obvious to me. Control.
I don't know why it's taken so long to see this, because it makes perfect sense.
When you’re anxious, you try to control situations, right?
You might dominate conversations to control the topic. Or you might control where you go, how you act, or who you speak to, out of insecurity.
When we’re fearful, we control whatever’s in our power to help ourselves feel better. Controlling you is one thing. Controlling other people, not so good.
I find the more anxious I am, the more controlling I am to others. Although, it's often masked with, “I'm just trying to help!”
In reality, I want them to soothe my anxiety by doing whatever it is I want them to do. Just writing that makes me cringe. 😣
You might be wondering, what's causing all this anxiety in the first place?
Great question! The answer depends on two factors.
- If anxiety is coming from inside the relationship, then the root cause needs to be addressed. Has there been a breach of trust? Are there commitments not being honored? Is there inconsistency? These anxiety triggers have to be straightened out before security can be created within the relationship.
- If anxiety is coming mostly from yourself, it's important to understand where this attachment style comes from. Spoiler alert - it's your parents. Every relationship is blueprinted from those first caregiver relationships. From a young age, your nervous system was programmed to either feel safe, or unsafe, in relation to someone else. If there's a lack of safety, then those patterns will likely play out until the nervous system is calmed and the patterns consciously broken. Both take intentionality.
One thing I do when I'm overly concerned with someone else is ask myself, “How are they a mirror for me? What do I see in them, that I can improve in myself?”
It’s like the saying, “When you point the finger at someone, you have three fingers pointing back at you.” This shifts the focus from them back to you.
Another tool is self-soothing.
When you notice the thoughts start to race, pause and take a deep breath. Be aware that anxiety comes from the scared Inner Child. Bring your own nurturing Adult forward to give them the comfort they're seeking.
These helpful tips address the one and only thing you can actually control.
Yourself.
Controlling others ultimately leads to resentment and disconnection. Since the root fear of Anxious attachment is abandonment, our fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy if we push too far.
Fun stuff, right?
Over the next couple emails I'm going to be focusing on attachment styles. We’ll continue with Avoidant next month and Secure after that. If you know anyone who could benefit from learning about why and how they show up in relationships, please, forward them this email!
Lastly, click the IG picture below matching today's email and comment about your own attachment style and how you navigate these relational waters. 🌊
