Hi First name / friend!

 

Melody here! Since starting Ruby Star Society in 2018, I have prided myself on my work life balance. I have gone to my job each day, tried hard to do my best work, and then gone home and for the most part left my work behind in the studio.

 

This is in stark contrast to my previous life at Cotton+Steel. When we started C+S in 2013, I was still fairly early in my career and felt like I had to prove myself to everyone. I had to prove to our parent company that they had made a good decision and could trust me. I had to prove to the designers who signed onto the whole crazy idea that they had made a good choice. And I had to prove to our audience that what we were doing was worthwhile. Are you getting any red flags here?? Could I have made myself any more responsible, for like, literally everyone?

 

I grew up having to be more responsible than a kid should. Starting when I was about 10, it became my job to clean our house. When I got home from school each day, I did all the dishes, thoroughly cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the house, swept, cleaned the bathrooms, dusted, and folded laundry. Every single day. When I look at that list, I’m like, what even the heck?!, but those were the rules, and there were severe consequences for not following them. On top of that I did my homework, gave my sisters their baths each night, and got them ready for bed. Sometimes I cooked dinner. It was a lot. And it really messed with my sense of what is an appropriate amount of work to do, and what the consequences are for not doing it.

Early on in C+S, it felt natural for me to be overly responsible, to be on call at all times and have few boundaries around my time. I took my work on vacation with me each year, thinking it was a good compromise to work during the day and take the evenings off. I took on other people’s problems like they were my own; I thought I was only doing a good job if everyone was happy. I liked the feeling of answering a work call after hours, or sending a late-night email; I thought I was demonstrating my strong work ethic. I ignored my sense of overwhelm and panic, thinking I was just so lucky to have the opportunity to do the work I was doing.

 

What are some signs you’re overworked? When you sit in the dentist chair and think “ahhhhhh this is so relaxing!” because you’re not at your studio. When you catch yourself in a daydream and the daydream is you’re so sick you have no choice but to be in bed. When a hectic business trip across the country registers as “such a nice break!” because there’s literally no way you could be doing your job while jostling through the airport. When a long car ride feels like a day at the spa because you’re sitting still in the sunshine instead of sitting at your computer. When you’re Toddler Tired™ at the end of your day, melting down instead of winding down.

 

I am proud of the work we did at C+S, and I am also proud of the lessons I learned the hard way. By constantly surpassing my boundaries, I learned the importance of having them. By trying to anticipate people’s needs and solve their problems (and feeling constantly frustrated in the process) I learned that it’s important to trust people to take care of themselves and ask for what they need. I learned that we all have unique needs, and they don’t all have to match to be valid. I learned that some of my own needs are quite particular, and that’s okay. I learned to trust myself to be a guide to my own needs, and to trust others to be a guide to theirs.

 

Starting Ruby Star Society in 2018 was a clean break, and a good excuse to do things differently. We were all pretty worn down and upset by everything that had happened in the last years of C+S and it was obvious that some things needed to change. The transition to a better balance wasn’t easy or always comfortable, but we pushed through and developed healthier boundaries around our roles, our responsibilities, and our time. We’ve learned to have productive, inspiring relationships without being in survival mode together.

 

Since starting RSS, I’ve prioritized my need for structure, clear and reliable communication, and predictability at work. I’ve also taken time to rest. I love leaving a little space for the back of my brain to figure out the tricky stuff while I happily think about something else. I’ve realized how much I am interested in creative projects outside of my job like writing and drawing. I enjoy meditative things like washing my car and physical things like boxing. And fulfilling a lifelong dream, I’ve spent the past few years learning to race cars and I love it so much I sometimes cry literal tears of joy while I’m driving. 

Recently, the crisp edges of my work/life balance have begun to blur again. For the past few months, even when I’m not at work, I’m still mostly working. This time, it’s because I’m cramming a bunch of personal projects (like doing a writing project or having a pop up shop!) into my evenings and weekends. I’m excited about this! But this is also one of those inexplicable years where my family needs more than usual, and for some reason there’s so much paperwork (how can there be so much paperwork?!), and also appointments! We’ve never had so many appointments. My mother passed away early this year, and there was a period of time when we were tying up loose ends and traveling to her home on weekends to sort through her things. It’s just one of those busy seasons.

 

When I’ve missed some work because of this family stuff, I find myself getting up earlier and working from home, or working in the evenings to make sure I don’t fall behind. Or intentionally bringing work home with me, like when my last fabric collection just wouldn’t come together, and I battled with it each evening and weekend until it agreed to look good (a victory!). And, of course, I still want to spend time at the racetrack. 

 

I’m learning that it’s hard to keep things in balance, and that’s okay. I’m trying so many different ways of honoring my own needs, whether it’s leaving my work at the studio, or intentionally bringing it home with me until I’m happy with it. I’ve stopped everything to meet the needs of my family, and I’ve also squeezed in more and more things that I want to accomplish personally. I’ve used my last scraps of downtime to catch up on tasks I really hate, but just have to get done. Sometimes, I feel a hint of that old sense of overwhelm, and I know things are creeping out of balance again; I’ll just have to keep working on it. But I had a realization recently when I traveled for a wedding: I was rested, fully present and I didn’t think about my work the whole time. Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have known that was possible.