I am cranky because I’m ovulating. And ovulating now means time to get busy and have all the sex to hopefully make a baby. It’s a pressure that I promised myself I would never put on myself. Yet here I am. Being a behavior that I don’t want to be. Watching myself getting stressed over something I really trust is not in my control. I know better but I can’t help it. Getting pregnant is supposed to be fun and it's supposed to be easy. I believe this because for a minute in May it was easy and fun for me to get pregnant. After only one month of trying my partner and I miraculously succeeded. And then everything changed when I lost it. My body ‘knew better’ they say. ‘At least you can get pregnant’ they say. They have so much insight and information but they don’t wear my shoes and they don’t live in my head. Now getting pregnant feels daunting and difficult and becomes like a chore. And it feels like the opposite of fun. My body feels older and this puts scary thoughts in my brain. Automatic thoughts like maybe I am too old. Generic thinking like this makes me feel unoriginal and it makes me feel like I goddamn know better. 

Pin in My Balloon, 2019 pencil on paper and sewing pin

I had 3 glasses of wine this month. One at my wedding with dinner, one on a random Saturday night out at dinner with my husband and the 3rd at Thanksgiving dinner. I don’t feel great about it - but I also don’t feel like I need to persecute myself over it? I definitely have felt more anxiety and depression this month then I have in the past many months. Can I blame that on 3 glasses of wine? I don’t know? Do I want to blame 3 glasses of wine? I Do. I 100% do. Because I really don’t want to blame my self. I don’t want to believe that after all the work and time I’ve spent and done on ‘healing and the journeying’ — that the old me — the one that feels most herself living in a cocoon of self loathing sadness and shame — still very much exists and always will inside of me. This thought brings me to tears. How can that bit of me still be? Right now I feel her crawling out of my skin. Welling water in my eyes. Staring blankly at this screen wondering why in the world I am actually sending this out to anyone at all? It’s a she I just learned. Of course she is. This could definitely only be a she - with hormones that range and an attitude that bites and takes over completely. Unfortunately I am realizing she will always be around. Maybe she’s my edge, or quite possibly she’s just a cunt - with an affinity to nice French (red) wine.

This month is a short note because I want to shut up and just be grateful. That I don’t live in a war zone and that I have a roof over my head. That I have more than enough food on my table and I have people who love me. The rest doesn’t matter because like everything else, it will pass. The feelings I feel today and the thoughts that I may have or jot down - they will all move in some direction or disappear altogether. Nothing remains as it is. The directionless moment finds direction, eventually. Even my sadness and my ovulation - they too will change and charge me but I know they’ll serve me too. Who knows maybe all the sex I’ll have this week will lead to a future actual child. Wouldn’t that be a trip? And like they say Yes, at least I am ovulating - I can be grateful for that as well. My age is showing and it's aging exactly as it's supposed to be. And as far as my depression goes - maybe it was just the wine - and if it was then that's in my power to correct. Or it's my edge and thanks to her I'm here today - aged just on time. November 2023 was really great to me. I got married. I got to spend some beautiful time with my sister and my whole family. I worked on a job that paid me handsomely and gave me some presents too! I have a husband now and I am so fucking in love with him it doesn’t hurt! My vegetable garden is thriving and Pepino is so healthy and so handsome. Hanukkah is coming and so is winter. I am safe and nothing is actually ever wrong. 

Moonrock #AZ23, 2023 - sold last month!

Thank you for reading me 

💘